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Am I being unreasonable?

(22 Posts)
Cupcakesandscones Sat 05-Nov-16 12:42:53

I'd really appreciate some perspective here as I feel awful and I don't know whether I am being unreasonable by feeling hurt and seriously letdown and abandoned.

My partner and I endured months of harassment from our "rogue" landlord and became homeless. We couldn't find anywhere else to live so had to move into a caravan on a site. Despite current thinking (by many) there is so little support available for those experiencing homelessness. We were homeless for 3 months. During this time I was heavily pregnant and then had a c-section. After leaving hospital, I was forced to return to a caravan with my 5 yr old and newborn baby. I can't even put into words just how devastating this was. To make matters worse, we endure severe weather - extremes of heat, which we could not escape and also torrential rain, we were flooded more than once. Our cooking facilities were extremely basis. During this time I also experienced a nasty post op infection. To escape homelessness we were forced to take on another "rogue" landlord so we now have a house (dump) at least and are desperately saving to purchase a property.

So to cut to the chase, throughout all of this my sister and her family never so much offered to help. They are mortgage free and have a 5 bedroom house in a large plot. They only have 1 adult DC, (still living at home) but had ample space to accommodate us, even just for a short time - I was heavily pregnant after all and then also had a newborn baby to look after whilst homeless. Losing our home had a devastating effect upon my older child. Again this could have been eased if my so call family (sister) had helped. Having a "rogue" landlord and being homeless has also cost us thousands of pounds - money saved for a housing deposit (to purchase). My sister proclaims that we are "close" yet surely if she truly loved me and my children - she claims to adore my older DC - then she would have reached out to help...right?

Anyhow, I am still raw from the harassment and being homeless (it was unimaginable hell), but I am even more upset about my sister's lack of help. Am I being unreasonable by feeling hurt and abandoned by her? Is it unreasonable to expect family to step in to help when a disaster occurs?

Soubriquet Sat 05-Nov-16 12:47:41

Did you actually ask her to help?

Some people are completely oblivious to others when they need help

Cricrichan Sat 05-Nov-16 12:49:37

Did you ask? Have you ever had to rely on your family before?

I would help my family but it's a big ask to have a whole family with a young child and a newborn indefinitely.

Thisjustinno Sat 05-Nov-16 12:52:51

Did you ask?

Cupcakesandscones Sat 05-Nov-16 13:17:53

The etiquette in our family is that we don't ask for help (considered rude) but wait to be offered help instead. If the shoe had been on the other foot, we would have immediately offered her family somewhere to stay.

Soubriquet Sat 05-Nov-16 13:21:38

Sometimes people are too British

Like I said, it's not always obvious

You had somewhere to live albeit a shit place I wouldn't wish my worse enemy on

Maybe your sister thought you was ok

Cupcakesandscones Sat 05-Nov-16 13:25:14

Soubriquet, she knew we weren't okay. She knew we were in a desperate, desperate place.

Soubriquet Sat 05-Nov-16 13:26:41

Are you as close as you really think you are?

Is she normally quick to help you?

tallwivglasses Sat 05-Nov-16 13:33:10

You shouldn't need to ask for help. Even if they thought moving you all in for possibly a number of months might be a bit daunting, she could have offered short stays when you were flooded, recovering from cs, etc. Maybe she would have but there were objections from her dh and dc? <clutches straws>

LetsAllEatCakes Sat 05-Nov-16 14:56:10

Yanbu you shouldn't have had to ask for help. Even if you sister couldn't help by having you stay with her she should have supported you in other ways, emotionally for example.

Did she bother?

Or is the closeness just lip service and her way of looking good? If she didnt bother at all with anything then I'd be honest because you aren't close at all.

MiMiMaguire Sat 05-Nov-16 15:12:05

Jesus... I could never let my sibling live in those circumstances, I've a 3 bed semi bit would make room.. she's bedrooms sitting there idle and she let you take your child and new born back to a caravan.
Sorry but that's just sick.
Shouldn't have to ask your family for help, particularly when she knew all the ins and outs of your situation.

ChuckGravestones Sat 05-Nov-16 18:27:59

I couldn't let my bro and nieces live like that. So sorry OP but you are not in the slightest bit unreasonable.

Cupcakesandscones Sat 05-Nov-16 18:56:08

Thanks for your replies! I have tried to see things from my sister's perspective so many times in relation to what has happened and I keep coming back to the same points. She was fully informed of the severity of the situation we found ourselves in and she knew that we had no one else to help us. She claims that she adores and dotes upon my five yr old child, yet clearly if she did she would never have seen him homeless. She also knew I was being discharged from hospital post c-section with a 3 day old baby to be homeless for a further 2 months! My partner and I along with 2 small children returned to a 30 year old knackered caravan without running water or a proper loo. During that time my newborn was ill and had to be hospitalised. Again, no offer to stay with them temporarily in their large detached home.

I honestly don't know how to get over the disappointment, anger and resentment I feel towards my sister, her husband and adult daughter. I clearly love her far more than she has ever loved me. As she is the only family I have - she was like a second mother when I was growing up - I feel literally heartbroken.

confusedandemployed Sat 05-Nov-16 19:03:45

Just trying to imagine how that would be in our family...no, there's no way I'd see my sister like that or she me. So while i get why people want to know if you asked...well I know 100% there would be no need for me to ask. So I think YANBU. I hope things get better for you soon flowers

LetsAllEatCakes Sat 05-Nov-16 20:05:02

I don't know about getting past this op but perhaps you should be honest with her and say how you feel. Especially when she bathers on about closeness, just correct her- you don't feel close.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 05-Nov-16 21:35:32

I'm not surprised either how let down and hurt you must feel.
Tbh, I don't think you can ever completely get over something like this, and that you will feel resentment towards her from now on.
Tell her that actions speak louder than words, and that you wouldn't have let an animal live in those conditions, let alone her if it was the other way round.
It's an awful realisation for you, and I hope things turn out well for you very soon.

Crazeecurlee Sat 05-Nov-16 22:25:12

YADNBU. I totally understand where you a coming from. You shouldn't have to ask for help, and if your sister knew you were living in a caravan and pregnant (obviously she did) she should have offered to help given the circumstances you have outlined.

Unfortunately OP I don't see a way forward from this without resentment eating away at your relationship unless you speak to her. Straight up ask her why she didn't help? It might hurt your relationship for a while but tbh it looks like the relationship is crumbling anyway as you seem really hurt. Alternatively your relationship might improve, as she might offer a reasonable explanation, or it might temporarily be a bit sour but maybe she will have some time to think about what you have said and apologise in the future. Ultimately, the best way of saving this relationship and getting over the hurt you are feeling is by talking to her.

MiMiMaguire Sun 06-Nov-16 11:03:25

I couldn't get past that, how you got through it all I don't know you're some woman, and you held your tongue at the time too, fair play.. I feel like I'd have let you stay with me and I don't even know you !
I hope things are better for you and you family now..

If it were me I'd be keeping my distance, I just couldn't carry on as normal.

Not to make excuses or anything cos there are none that could justify this, but, by any chance is her husband a bit of a dick and may have vetoed any idea of you guys staying there even if she had suggested ? I wouldn't let that stop me but it's justc a thought, some men are absolute control freaks and house devils and it may have been out of her hands ?
If I were I'd cool off from her, if she notices then be honest, just say simply that if the situation were reversed you would never ever see her in a shitty caravan when you could accommodate her and quite frankly feel hurt that she didn't. Just the simple truth..

Cupcakesandscones Sun 06-Nov-16 12:29:09

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's really helped to clarify my thoughts and I now know that I am not being unreasonable regarding my expectations about how family ought to help those in need or crisis.

Sadly, I suspect if I tried to raise the issue she'd be less than sympathetic. To give an example, when I was clearly upset on the phone whilst we were homeless, she was complaining about the dust and inconvenience of having a new luxury bathroom fitted. I tried to remind her that keeping life in perspective is very important because some of us didn't have running water (with x1 child X1 newborn) or a proper toilet. She was impervious.

MIM, I actually suspect it's my sister and her daughter. When we made an overnight visit recently, my sister made it clear that she didn't want either of my children "disturbing" her adult daughter during the night as she had uni the following day. My baby is 4 months old ffs!! I consequently stayed awake most of the night keeping my baby calm - she moans when she wants breast - which baby doesn't but I swiftly fed her each time. The next day her adult daughter confirmed she'd been woken by my baby (very doubtful) but I was made to feel as though we were imposing and causing disruption nevertheless.

Big wake up call! Note to self - I don't have a loving, caring family. I need to accept the facts and somehow move on!

Cary2012 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:43:44

If you were my sister there is no question here, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing you were in a caravan. Even if I didn't have the space I'd make sure you lived with us, because that's what families do.

I think your sister's behaviour is unforgivable.

I hope things get better soon. And this tough year will make you stronger, although that's small comfort when you're still recovering from all the trauma.

MiMiMaguire Sun 06-Nov-16 13:21:25

Sorry OP but sounds like she was well aware and completely indifferent, and she sounds like a stuck up cow to be honest. She doesn't want her precious daughter to be disturbed by your infant, seriously that's just not on.

Sorry you went through that horrible situation, are you settled somewhere now ?

user1477282676 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:23:53

This is what would have happened in my family OP. If I'd been in your situation. Well my Mum would have helped but none of my siblings would.

This is why I now live in Australia.

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