Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Still exerting control

(4 Posts)
Dawndonnaagain Sat 05-Nov-16 12:09:33

Despite the fact that he's been gone for a couple of months.
I dropped all charges, dd2 wasn't well and has a disability. DS1 was not well either. I couldn't put them through a court case.
He counter sued and the police seemed good and very reassuring and felt that in all likelihood nothing would come of it.
Dd 2 asked him to drop the charges the other night, saying she couldn't face court. She can't. He has informed her that at least I wasn't thrown in a cell, that I should just accept a caution and that I am evil. I have stolen all their money for years, and reported him to the police to intimidate him. He is apparently paying ridiculous amounts of rent whilst not being in receipt of his benefits. Logically, I know none of this is true. Not a bloody word of it, but I've had no sleep worrying in case the police have decided it is me, although there is plenty of evidence to show it's not. Due to what I've been through with him, I have some quite serious mental health problems at the moment, along with PTSD and an eating disorder. Please help me logic this out. The children do need to tell me what he's saying because they need the reassurance that he's not going through the hell he says he is. For example, his ESA was stopped. I had to explain that it would have been illegal for me to have kept claiming on his behalf, which of course he doesn't tell them. I have emailed the police asking for some sort of reassurance, but please tell me this isn't going to happen. I'm very low again today. Thank you.

bigoldbird Sat 05-Nov-16 12:22:58

I have no real help to offer. All I can say is that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 23 years. Separated now for 13 years and he is still trying to control me. The difference is that I have healed enough to not care any more. You will get there. It does get better. You have got through the hardest part. Someone with more knowledge will know come along with a more helpful answer. Keep strong.

dunfightin Sat 05-Nov-16 13:12:10

Women's aid helpline, freedom programme, a local course to deal with the abuse. All helpful, give you a space to talk through all the crap with people who get it or are working their way towards understanding the truly weird and horrible manipulations of an abuser.
It will take some time to untangle your thoughts and feelings, some time to process and unfortunately some of it will never make sense but as you move upwards and onwards you will care less about what nasty webs he tries to weave.

Dawndonnaagain Sat 05-Nov-16 18:22:05

Thank you. I keep going over stuff in my head, ad infinitum. I will get there, and will look into the freedom programme. Am currently reading Lundy Bancroft, a tad slowly because I keep marking things and because I find it overwhelming. I am determined that this will improve, but as with you bigoldbird, I have been in the relationship for over twenty years. I guess I'm expecting miracles for things to be okay 9 weeks down the road!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now