DH is stressed and I'm exhausted

[saturdaygrey]

I've name changed for this as its sensitive and DH has been known to hunt out posts I've made on here.

He's suspended from work: the likely outcome is dismissal and possibly not being able to work in this field again.

So, he's at home all the time.

He's depressed. Stays up until two/three in the morning, watching films and TV box sets loudly. Wants sex, a lot (apparently it's a comfort) but he comes crashing into bed at 3 am and I don't feel like it then. Drinking too much, doing stupid stuff like going outside for a smoke and then leaving the door open and then a child wakes up at 4 am cold and crying.

I'm working after a fashion (supply teaching) so you can imagine what mornings are like after these unsettled nights. I don't really like leaving the children with him and twice our school aged child has missed school because of DH not getting everybody out on time.

I'm so sympathetic but I feel like shaking him as well! What can I do!

[loinnir]

You need to have a serious talk with him - tell him what is not acceptable (such as getting the children to school late- stressful for them). If he is depressed then he needs to see a doctor and start the process of getting some help. If he is going through a very low patch due to the work situation then he still needs to be mindful of the children and you - he can stay up to 4am if he wants but not open the door/ wear headphones etc so that others are not disturbed. Hope things improve

[MrsBertBibby]

Is he driving the kids to school after drinking till 3 in the morning?

He needs to address the drinking, it will be exacerbating depression, stress, insomnia, the lot.

[Fairylea]

Everything loinnir said.

My dh suffers with severe depression which means he's had periods of time off work suffering breakdowns. He knows that if he is ill enough to be off work then that means he needs to go to the doctors, get on medication and sleep and eat properly. I've told him I can't support him without him doing those things, he needs to help himself.

Depression or not I would not tolerate someone behaving in the way your dh is.

[saturdaygrey]

No, school is walking distance.

He's always liked a drink but not to this extent. I know I'm on a highway to nowhere with regard to the doctor, unfortunately.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think your sympathy is a nice personality trait but it's kind of wasted here. I don't really know what he is doing to elicit sympathy apart from carry on making a giant mess of everything. Stress can do horrible things to a person but he has to at least attempt to put in some strategies and accept where is is making a mess of things. Why is he getting fired? Has he sought help for depression? Don't be fooled into the sympathy for depression that isn't depression it's a man who doesn't know how to cope with life and needs his wife to mother him, even unable to close a door for himself and my trusted to be left alone with his own kids. I've had depression and I still met all the needs of my kids even if I didn't meet any of my own. I felt horribly guilty for my depression and tried to do everything I could to get help and make sure the kids didn't suffer. It kinda makes a mockery of true mental health problems when people claim 'depression' for just not being emotionally mature enough to cope with situations they have created and don't listen to their loved ones in how to help themselves. He doesn't get a free pass from fatherhood and being a husband because he is having hard times - you ALL are.

Talk to him immediately and tell him this cannot continue. GP, boundaries (no drinking, upping his game and being more responsible) and you should expect him to face up to his life and how he will move forward.

[Fairylea]

If you said you were leaving unless he stopped drinking and went to the doctor would he go? (And mean it).

[QuiteLikely5]

You need to stop taking responsibility for this man-child.

You have got a responsibility towards your children and that involves keeping them safe and exposing them to positive role models.

Your dp whilst drinking and leaving doors open is not setting a good example of what a good parent should be doing. He should not be showing your kids this is how we deal with adversity in life.

When our problems start to affect those closest to us then that is the time we must seek help. He is being selfish by not doing so.

Don't let him drag you down. Tell him if he doesn't seek help then you are going to doubt his commitment to your relationship because he is putting himself first and not the family.

[saturdaygrey]

I doubt it. He's stubborn.

[saturdaygrey]

I think at the moment he is seriously depressed and it's blinding him to anything else going on.

[Danglyweed]

Did you not say on your thread the other day that he was likely to become a sahd if he was dismissed?

You do need to have seriously straight words with him. He fucked up, he cant punish you and the dc for that!

[Myusernameismyusername]

Depression IMO doesn't work like that for me. I sleep so much, don't eat, and I feel very very empty or very very sad and hard to hold a conversation or train of thought but I don't leave doors open in the middle of the night or, drink drive my kids to school way too late

[IDismyname]

It sounds harsh, but it sounds like you need to issue an ultimatum (and see it through), because this is not a long term situation for your family, is it?

[Fairylea]

So if there is a lack of income surely he shouldn't be spending money on drink? You need to sit down with him and show him the budget you have and say the drinking needs to stop, for his own health and financial reasons.

I do think he will need to reach rock bottom to come back up. In a way by you working and carrying on supporting him you are enabling his behaviour. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to but from experience with my own dh it was only when he was seriously worried about losing us as a family that he realised he needed to help himself.

[MrsBertBibby]

I suspect it's being drunk that leads to doors open, not depression. and he isn't drink driving the kids.

[saturdaygrey]

Dangly I've name changed; I don't mind if you know who I am but please don't make it obvious.

I think what I said was, being a sahd would be the most objectively sensible thing but not the wisest choice.

I think depression impacts on people differently. But what he needs is a way forward, to see there is a life out there for him.

He's still on full pay at the moment but obviously this will stop.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Alright well in charge of small children when he is still over the limit. I can't imagine this would bode well for a SAHM dad to end up asleep all day with a hangover. It's irresponsible beyond belief.
The drink is clearly a massive problem, being dressed up as depression. Like PP's said, it's totally exacerbating his low mood

[Myusernameismyusername]

Yes depression does impact differently on different people but some people have no coping or resilience skills and this makes over coming depression even harder.
It isn't just him who this is affecting and your respnsiblity is towards your kids as much as you want to be supportive, it's a no Brainer - if he's unwell he has to get help.
If he doesn't want to do this then you can't love him well again

[saturdaygrey]

Normally he is very resilient but this has knocked him considerably.

It's hard because the only other solution is for me to turn down work but I don't think that's a very good idea.

[happystory]

My experience- dh was made redundant and out of work for 18 months. He was very down, felt useless and thought he'd never get another job (50+) But- he cracked on, did the lions share of the housework and food shopping, did jobs around the house and garden. It was dull but it kept him busy and out and about. He needs a talking to and a plan.

[Myusernameismyusername]

So I take it the solution of expecting him to get help is being ruled out and you are looking for ways of managing this situation by yourself?

[Whensmyturn]

I would go to your doctor yourself and tell her/him you think he is suffering from depression. Then make him an appointment on some other pretext and take him there. Hopefully the doctor will be able to get him to admit how he's feeling once in the surgery and get some medication. It's very hard, I feel for you. However telling someone with depression that they aren't pulling their weight, not good enough by implication, as other posters have suggested,may make things worse. Someone suffering from depression needs to know they are loved unconditionally.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I'm not telling OP that she has to tell him he's being a rubbish husband but she needs to tell him she can't cope like this herself and he has to get help. Otherwise OP is just looking for solutions how to fix things by herself which isn't helping him either

[saturdaygrey]

There's no way I'd be able to get him to the doctor, even tricking him. He will self manage to a point but unfortunately he will drink.

He's never behaved quite like this before but that's largely because he's never had to if you see what I mean.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Saturday

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?

What are you both teach your child about relationships here?. Is this really what you want to be showing them, that yes this is how people do behave in relationships.