Feeling down.... birthday parties post divorce

[Homely1]

I am organising a party for DC and invited ex. I thought that I had to and that he would not like it that I didn't such that he would make my life difficult. I just found out that I did not need to. I feel gutted and really really down as his presence adds a great deal of stress for me. DC could not care less if he were not there- useless father. I need some support .... I feel down.

[MinnowAndTheBear]

Can you explain to him that after thinking things through, it's best if he doesn't come?
Don't feel down on yourself, these sort of things only come with experience and there will be plenty more birthdays where this can be avoided.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Uninvite him. Tell him that your plans have changed (no need to go into detail) and he can take the dc out for a birthday meal the day before or after the actual day, or drop a present off in the morning or other time to suit you.

Better to get any stress over by phone/text/email in advance than have his -malignant- presence looming over what should be a happy time for the dc and you.

[Homely1]

He is a narc which is why I felt I had to. If I uninvote him, I worry I am just causing probs for myself

[category12]

If you're dealing with someone like that, then they are never ever going to be satisfied whatever they get from you. So do what suits you and keep contact minimal and don't engage.

If you feel you cannot uninvite him this time, OK, it's just one party. But after that, you never do it again.

You also need to plan ahead for Christmas and future events, and be ready to police your boundaries. If you have trouble setting them, then talk with friends who do have good boundaries or come online. Consider getting some counselling and building yourself up.

[jeaux90]

Hey OP. My ex is narc and other poster is right. You keep contact to an absolute minimum purely around kids contact plans for example. Don't beat yourself up about it but next time just don't involve him he can organise his own thing with them. (Which you know he won't as dark lords would consider this someone else's task) deep breath and remember to smile. You are "free" and able to love (something they are incapable of so you can feel sorry for him)

[keepingonrunning]

Be strong. Be assertive and brief in what you say (or preferably text/email). Demonstrate to him you are not a walkover. Ignore when he bleats and/or threatens as he undoubtedly will.

[Homely1]

Thank you so much. I'm forever scared of what he will say/threaten. He is very unreasonable and tries to disprove everything even if in black and white. I told him as I was afraid of his response and subsequent actions if he did not know/not invited. That's why I did. Now that I'm hearing that I did not have to, I feel very down.

[jeaux90]

Don't feel down (they really do get to you I know, perpetual state of something else exploding) keep contact minimum, he has no right to be invited to anything you organise. Keep matters very concise and to a specific point, do not rise to any goading, it's all about them trying to control you xxx

[Homely1]

Thank you

[throwingpebbles]

It's so hard isn't it; you want to do the "right" thing but when you are dealing with some who doesn't then actually the usual rules can't apply and you mustn't feel bad.
I don't know whether I would want to "uninvite", but don't feel bad if his behaviour means you have to.
However after having abusive ExH at my sons party I have resolved to listen to my wise ohsy

[throwingpebbles]

...psychologist I saw when I was leaving him, who said for the children's sake with someone like him it was actually best not to do things like invite to parties etc.
My friends all judged a little when I I wasn't planning to invite him, so I caved in, but have learnt my lesson now. The kids could sense the awkwardness and he said some silly things that upset my new partner's daughter.

So yeah, do what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids, and ignore any textbook ideas of the "right" way to do things

(By contrast we can happily go for a meal with my partners ex and their kids. It's not perfect but we are all decent people who can be grown up about it all)

[Homely1]

Is this fair? DC birthday and ex wants to take DC after school then returned to me for routine stuff. Plus ex is coming to the party that I am throwing. When do I get time with DC or AIBU?

[category12]

You're allowed to say it's not convenient or you have other plans. You're allowed to say no.

How does he contact you? Do you have time to think about your replies/decisions? Play for time if you don't, by saying you'll get back to him - have some rote phrases you practice. If he's contacting you by text or email, then take a bit of time before you reply so you can think it through.

If it's a school night, I think it's reasonable to say no to him taking the dc off - perhaps he could take dc on friday or during the weekend for birthday treat - or drop off presents in the evening. But you could reasonably say you're taking dc for birthday treat on the day itself or that you have plans already. There's no reason what he wants to do has to take precedence.