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Please could someone read this email from stbxh and tell me hot to reply?

(43 Posts)
stripystars Fri 04-Nov-16 18:44:19

He wrote:

This may not be welcome, but I thought I should respond fully to what you said in your e mail.

I agree entirely that the boys should not be subject to witnesing us fall apart twice if we attempted to make up and it didn't work. You seem to think it inevitably wouldn't. But I know, on my part at least, that I would never let anything or anybody get in the way of a reconcilliation. I can only assume that you mean it would be impossible for you to ever trust me again. I can understand that and you should tell me if that's the case. I have been an incredible fool and you have every right. What I would like to happen is for us to first go back to mediation and if you then think it wouldn't work, I'll understand. This then wouldn't impact on the boys. I think you have done unbelievably well by the way in coping and rebuilding your life in the way you have and don't want to reopen old wounds in you. But I honestly believe our marriage was a good one and I would be an even bigger fool than I have been already, not to try everything I possibly can to attempt to save it. I realise you gave me every opportunity to do this earlier and I spurned this chance. I know now may well be far too late and if this is so, then all I can say is I'm truly sorry. I apologise for banging on about this but it's too important to simply let go without giving my utmost one last time. I don't expect a long reply back from you and promise this will be the last time I will mention this.

We have been separated over 2 years and I have finally got going o divorce, which is absolutely what I want. He was unfaithful and behaved really badly in the aftermath. I have had several threads on here under different names - basically, he's a shit.

Aside from my feelings (really don't think I love him anymore) and my concerns about the children, I do think he is largely motivated by his lack of money, shitty flat and lack of prospects. I know he has built up about £5k of debt over the last few years and would be bringing that back to the marriage.

But I am really scared of antagonising him as he has so far said he doesn't want any of my pension. I also fear that he may start being increasingly difficult about access to the dc - though he creates some difficulties with this anyway.

He should be receiving the divorce papers next week so I feel like it's really poor timing and I can't just not reply.

Any advice would be great.

ChuckGravestones Fri 04-Nov-16 18:49:23

What is the actual question?

I can't see one, just a load of auld guff.

TSSDNCOP Fri 04-Nov-16 18:56:58

I think you absolutely can just not reply.

ButIbeingpoor Fri 04-Nov-16 18:57:59

Oh heck, Stripey, he had me convinced to take him back.
You know this man and what his true character and motivations are. Think what is the worse he can do and include ways to mitigate this in your plans.
Can you reply in an evasive not really addressing his issues kind of way:
Hi STBEXH, I have read your email and it has given me a lot to think about. However I will continue on my present course whilst I mull things over. If we were to have any kind of a relationship, I think it best if we end the old broken one and perhaps think about how we could ensure a new one is good ( new relationship could be just as divorced co parents, maybe don't let on that this is far as you would go)

Mamia15 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:58:40


P1nkP0ppy Fri 04-Nov-16 18:59:12

Definitely do not reply.
He's feeling sorry for himself and trying to guilt trip you.

ButIbeingpoor Fri 04-Nov-16 18:59:23

Chuck, read the thread title.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 04-Nov-16 19:00:06

Another ignore vote. He's feeling sorry for himself. You do not have to hold his hand.

FlapsTie Fri 04-Nov-16 19:00:20

Just ignore. Or if you are moved to reply then simply say 'our marriage is over, I don't wish to discuss this any further'.

GingerIvy Fri 04-Nov-16 19:00:44

I'd ignore it. The moment he gets the divorce paperwork, he's going to know what's up anyway, and then I imagine he'll be right back to being a shit.

CarrieLouise25 Fri 04-Nov-16 19:02:39

Don't reply. No need to. Don't feel guilty.

MrsHathaway Fri 04-Nov-16 19:03:18

You don't need to respond. It'll drive him nuts if you don't.

However, if you really must, then do try something along the lines of "From now on, any and all correspondence relating to our marriage and/or divorce should be directed via Ms Shit Hot Lawyer, Wankerproof and SeenItAllBefore (cc)." And nothing else. Copy and paste exactly the same wording every time.

GiraffesAndButterflies Fri 04-Nov-16 19:03:48

I would reply (sorry!) and say
"I hear what you're saying, but the answer is no. Thank you for saying you won't mention this again, I really appreciate that."

Given that you said you're really keen to stay on good terms that's the way I'd go. Good luck with the divorce either way flowers

DamePastel Fri 04-Nov-16 19:04:33

So he wants to get back with you and you don't want to.

i agree, Don't reply. If you engage, he'll still think that it's a matter that's up for discussion.

The only way to get through to him that he can't 'discuss' his way back in to the marriage is to cease engaging. Cease feeling obliged to give all of his thoughts a response.

It's a process that doesn't happen over night, but you will get to the point where your x could insult you, praise you, guilt you, mock you, whatever sweet he picked out of the tin on that day, and you'll just shrug.

Nothing is heard louder than silence. And in fact, the only thing my x ever really 'heard' was when I dropped the rope and stopped engaging.

So listen to your own intuition guiding you. Don't defend your right not to try again. You're not obliged to try again. You don't need to put forward a case not to try again.

You don't even have to reply!

Threepumpkins Fri 04-Nov-16 19:06:41

I wouldn't respond, actually.

If you don't, he won't know if you even saw the email.

If he asks again, respond after the divorce papers are served with a vague "oh yes I did see your email, but it didn't change anything for me" or similar.

DamePastel Fri 04-Nov-16 19:07:07

lol at mrshathaway!!! grin wine

Boundaries Fri 04-Nov-16 19:12:58

"Thank you for your email. It's good to know you have reflected on your behaviour and are committed to moving forward positively.
With that in mind, I feel confident we will be able to coparent our children in the way they deserve. It's a weight off my mind to know you are fully respectful of my new life and don't plan to disrupt it. Best wishes...."

MulberryBush12 Fri 04-Nov-16 19:19:51

I like ButIbeingpoor's reply best.
It's got a very pleasant tone and shouldn't antagonise stbxh; also it doesnt alter your plans!!
Good luck OP !!

Desmondo2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 19:20:32

Yeah I think reply, nice and polite, thank him for his understanding of the situation but say that irrespective of what happened 2 years ago you no longer have feelings for him and do not wish to be in a relationship with him. But say you appreciate his effort and are pleased that you can now build a more amicable separate existence re shared parenting etc.

FurryLittleTwerp Fri 04-Nov-16 19:31:21

Has his new girlfriend dumped him?

He won't have changed.

ChuckGravestones Fri 04-Nov-16 19:35:44

Chuck, read the thread title.

I mean his actual question. No need to reply as there is no actual question that needs an answer is there? Just a load of auld shite.

TheNaze73 Fri 04-Nov-16 19:51:17

It's like a Ronnie Corbett monologue.

It's just boring & going around the houses. Don't reply

ToastieRoastie Fri 04-Nov-16 20:08:45

Does he know you have instigated the divorce or will the paperwork be a surprise to him? If you haven't told him, this is a perfect way to use his own sentiments to help you, using waffle phrases that don't mean anything, e.g.

I'm so glad you recognise the hard work that I've put into coping and rebuilding my life - as you know that time was so difficult for me and for the children. As part of recovering from that period, we both need closure. This will help us continue to co-parent and make sure the boys are happy, and maybe closure of that difficult period in our lives will help us move forward in the future - I don't know what the future will bring. I've got the paperwork started on the legal side of things, so we can get to that point quickly. It should be popping thought the post to you at some point next week.

Love and kisses (or not) xx

ferriswheel Fri 04-Nov-16 20:13:22

What But said. Don't antagonise him.

If you didn't have your pension to consider...

'What? Give you another bullet to shoot me with? No thanks.)

fc301 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:23:16

If he's in anyway narcissistic he will boomerang back to you with 'sincerity' every time he finds himself short of narcissistic supply. However you are not obliged to respond.

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