Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

life after being controlled?

(6 Posts)
lifesucks75 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:17:18

I have another thread but was advised to start a new one...don't know how to link. Basically im trying very hard to keep away from him but after being controlled for so long im really struggling. I cant seem to do anything on my own for fear that it's wrong. Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do? I know its a pathetic question.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Nov-16 13:27:01

Its not a pathetic question at all and you can dig yourself out of the hole he dug for you. Continue to block all ways and means of you accessing him or any info he puts online.

It may also seem trite but love your own self for a change.

I would seriously consider enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme; this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

I would also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

jangleduke Fri 04-Nov-16 13:30:08

Yes I have experienced this. I doubted everything.

I attended counselling sessions, and read an awful lot of books.

I read does he do that? twice.

I read up on boundaries and how to maintain them

I read up on abusive relationships and other self help books on self esteem.

I am currently reading something on controlling people

I posted a lot on MN for validation to how I was feeling, it was hugely helpful in making me realise I was not mad, or unreasonable. And that I was making the right choices.

Surround yourself with positive people, people who are on "your side"

I am sorry you are going through this. Its horrible.

I am still kind of going through it still, after 3 years seperated from my controlling ex. It is curretnly manifesting itself in my new relationship. I just automatically think he will try and control me. This is something I am working reading!

Good luck OP x

rememberthetime Fri 04-Nov-16 14:54:55

It isn't easy. i have been there - standing looking at bottles of drink and being unable to decide because he wasn't there to tell me.
it takes a while to work out that you can do whatever you like.
Just remember that its ok to make mistakes. Everyone does - but your mistakes are now learning experiences and each one you make will help you avoid them in the future.
he can't punish you for your mistakes - but equally don't punish yourself.

Besides you are an intelligent person who knows how to do these things. Just like everyone else in the world. You are just as capable of everything he is.

Today I took a test drive in a potential new car. This is after not driving for one year because i was too terrified. The thought of choosing and paying for a car on my own feels like a massive hurdle - but i have read the brochures, looked at the features and worked out what car suits me best. I don't need my ex to tell me what to do.

You will get there too.

skilledintheartofnothing Fri 04-Nov-16 15:24:16

Baby steps OP and divide the tasks up so you don't get too overwhelmed.
Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself

Dawndonnaagain Fri 04-Nov-16 15:31:52

I've been there, and still am to a great extent. I find it hard to do some things and hard to make decisions.
I went out with dd today and have had wave after wave of panic as the day went on, each time having to remind myself I wasn't going to pay for being late, noisy, enthusiastic or anything else when I got home. It was all going to be fine and I was going home to a nice quiet and calm household.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now