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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help me stop my potential affair

14 replies

dustypixie · 04/11/2016 13:12

I'm not married, I have a partner and a young daughter. Many years ago I met a men and we were FWB for 2 years. I have never experienced the strength of feelings and emotions that I went through with this guy. I decided the relationship wouldn't work out, it was hurting me so much, I moved away. I met someone else, calm and steady. I made rational decisions. But I have never, ever stopped thinking about the FWB guy - on a daily basis. TIme, no contact, sensible decision making hasn't helped. And now he has contacted me and he has moved to my area. What the hell do I do? I can only think that I should end my current relationship and live on my own. It's not fair that I should be with someone when my head is full of someone else.

OP posts:

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DonkeyOaty · 04/11/2016 13:18

Yes kinder to end your current relationship

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Frolics82 · 04/11/2016 13:19

It sounds really strange that you have been thinking about the other guy every day for that long... Especially that you didn't think a relationship would work out + you're in a new relationship and have DD... How is your relationship with DP?

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user1478257085 · 04/11/2016 13:25

Thinking about him has become a bad habit. You are feeding this habit every day, whether you mean to or not.

How did he contact you? Shut down all ways he could do this. He should not be on your FB or mobile, for instance.

If you are serious about giving this up, treat it like any other addiction. Get therapy if need be.

You admit the relationship was hurting you so much that you had to end it. I doubt anything about this man has changed. Does he know you have a partner and young daughter now? If he does, he has no respect for you or your relationship trying to rekindle things with you now.

Be strong and don't engage.

If you are normally happy with your DP, put the energy you are expending on your ex into making your relationship as strong as possible and giving your daughter a good life.

You had your fun with this ex (until it wasn't even fun any more). I don't think there's really anything to return to, do you?

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MsStricty · 04/11/2016 13:32

I'm wondering if there's a parallel between your obsessive thoughts about this man, and your phrasing "Help me stop my potential affair", OP.

As if you are waiting for other people to sort your life out, and not dealing with what is going on yourself.

This obsession speaks to a sense of being rescued from your circumstances - except no-one will be able to do that, because what you possibly need more is to change, from the inside-out. And no-one can do that apart from you.

So, really, this is a gentle way of saying, "You're on your own, OP." You have to do this yourself. This man won't make things better, and no advice here can do that either.

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TheNaze73 · 04/11/2016 13:39

I don't think you actually want to be helped. You need to be accountable for your own actions & future actions

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skilledintheartofnothing · 04/11/2016 13:44

If you really wanted to save your relationship then you would email this man back and explain that you have a partner and child and do not wish for him to contact you again.
Then block his email / number / facebook /whatsapp and every other thing you can think of.

Also the time you spend thinking of this other man may be better spent thinking nice things about your partner or ways to make your relationship stronger.

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dustypixie · 04/11/2016 14:18

I think my attempts to move on and sort my life out have been dishonest. I've tried to do what I thought was right. It's a case of controlling the thoughts in my head - and the FWB is there - and honestly - I don't want to clear him out. So yes - honestly - I don't want to be helped because I don't want to let go of him. And I feel like an evil, evil, evil person.

OP posts:

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growapear · 04/11/2016 14:23

Well OP I think you should be applauded for your honesty. However, your current partner is, I would imagine, going to take it very very badly. I know I would. Although interestingly you talk about a potential affair, does that mean you have no intention of leaving your current partner, but that you just want to have the FWB in the background AND your current setup ?

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user1478257085 · 04/11/2016 14:41

I think my attempts to move on and sort my life out have been dishonest

You have definitely moved on. You have a child and a DP now. You are not the same person you were. What's dishonest the fact you have your daughter?

It's a case of controlling the thoughts in my head - and the FWB is there - and honestly - I don't want to clear him out. So yes - honestly - I don't want to be helped because I don't want to let go of him

If you don't really truly want to move on then there's nothing more to be said. Just - are you prepared for the inevitable fall-out? Is another go round with FWB worth jettisoning your current relationship for and the disruption to your child's life? How do you see FWB fitting in with the new you + daughter, for example?

And I feel like an evil, evil, evil person

You are not evil. You're human. You either have a bad case of lust or as a PP said you are using this escapist thinking as a way not to face up to life as it is. Are you a hopeless romantic type, for instance?

I strongly advise you to block this man and seek help for your obsession with him.

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Dadaist · 04/11/2016 18:13

You do realise that the reason it felt so good is that there is nothing to compare with wanting someone who doesn't want you to make them seem even more desirable? That's why the sex was so amazing - not him, but the longing in you. And he didn't want you - he was happy with a FWB arrangement - and your wanting more has just covered him in fairly dust and made him the most special wonderful desirable object. But he's not. You were very brave to cut things and move on because th pain was too much. Nothing now will make things any different and holding a candle could just mean being alone, used, vulnerable and hurt all over again. So don't tell yourself that you can't help yourself - save those feelings for someone who is mad about you too?

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GizmoFrisby · 04/11/2016 18:22

A word of advice. The grass isn't always greener.

It failed the first time for a reason. I wouldn't distrust my child and ruin a perfectly good relationship for a good shag which is what I'm guessing these extreme feelings are.

Give me a decent honest father anyday.

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GizmoFrisby · 04/11/2016 18:22

Disrupt not distrust

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ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 04/11/2016 20:21

Could this be limerence? Wikipedia has a good article about this and it might help you to get this in perspective.
If it's any comfort, I think this happens to a lot of us in the early days of settling down and having kids. It's such a huge change that I think anything/one who can reignite feeling from our slinky, carefree, sexy younger days is automatically desirable.