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how to be on your own in your thirties - struggling

(14 Posts)
whattodonowo010 Fri 04-Nov-16 11:32:24

Now I know that being in your thirties is not old. I am 34. 2 months ago, I was enganged, the wedding was planned and we had started to ttc when dp turned around to me and told me that all of this 'wasn't for him' and left. I am trying to keep busy, force myself to see friends etc. I have 3 very good friends, a handful of work aquaintances, but family is very far away. All my friends have long term partners, or are married with children. They disappear into their families over the weekend or holidays (I am a teacher so quite a bit of free time).

I am not ready to enter the dating scene or attend single events, so what do I do? Where do I meet people? I am not very outgoing and like my home comforts. I know people say do a new hobby but at the end of the day I will just be going home alone anyway...

Do I just need to give myself a kick?

Pooky77 Fri 04-Nov-16 11:48:46

No need for kicking! I've been there it's scary to find yourself single at an age where you didn't expect it and if you have just come out of a long term relationship it feels like everything has changed from when you were last single.

From my experience i was lucky enough to be introduced to a couple of single ladies around my age by a married friend, this gave me a great social life and expanded my social circle got me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. I also reconnected with an old friend from school who i'd guessed was single from her facebook posts.

I can honestly say i never looked back, i had more fun in that year than i'd had in the previous 10 that i was in a committed relationship for. I figured out who i was again and what i wanted and when i felt the time was right i did OLD and was lucky enough to meet my now DH.

Life is far from over at 34 so don't right yourself off.

whattodonowo010 Fri 04-Nov-16 12:30:20

Thank you, pooky. It's so scary. I have been with dp for 14 years so don't really know otherwise. I am still struggling with why it took him so long to figure out he didn't want our life. It seems there is noone who is single around me, and I am seriously dreading the pre Christmas season when everyone just seems to want to cuddle up and spent cozy nights in with their loved ones.

I seem to have completely lost my way.

cosytoaster Fri 04-Nov-16 12:35:54

Meetup is handy for meeting new people, you can dip in and out of events and quite a lot of people who have come out of long term relationships but don't want to OLD use it to keep some semblance of a social life going. Good luck!

BigSandyBalls2015 Fri 04-Nov-16 12:38:49

2 months is hardly any time at all to get your head around all of this, particularly after being with him for 14 years!! It must be devastating. So don't give yourself a hard time about it.

Andbabymakesthree Fri 04-Nov-16 12:38:54

A close friend was in your situation. She made some new friendships and got out on the scene. Quite a bit of drink involved I think to help with the breakup which was far from ideal!. Kissed a bloke she had known for years who was younger. Spent six months or so deluding herself it was nothing as he was too young.

Then she reevaluated her expectations and stopped caring what people thought. Changed jobs and started dating him. Now several years on sge gas a baby with him.

She recalls those periods of emptiness when others will doing family or couple things. Being where we live social activities to expand your friendships groups are limited.

It will happen but you do need to seek opportunities and be open to new things. Even chance meetings in the most strangest of places. Tinder and Plenty of fish however are not recommended!

Horseseeker2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 12:47:18

Sorry to hear you've had a hard time.

I found myself single aged 29, when all my friends were getting married and starting families.

I found the most depressing thing was going to dinner parties etc which were full of couples, so feel free to decline any such invitations you may get.

I actually met someone else after being single for just a month, and we are now married. So don't give up hope of meeting someone else.

I have a few friends aged mid-30s who are single. One is not so happy but the other two I think are genuinely pretty happy. They both have good jobs that they throw themselves into and both have hobbies and interests they are very dedicated to - one has a horse and is really involved in the horse world and the other travels extensively (which may be a good option if you are a teacher and have the free time). If I want to see either of these friends I have to book an appointment in their diaries weeks in advance.

I know that doesn't solve the problem of going home alone, which will take time to adjust to. Be kind to yourself.

MegFlyAway Fri 04-Nov-16 12:55:35

Hi OP. I'm 30 and until late last year I was happily married until my DH left me for OW (but then didn't actually get together with her as realised he'd made a mistake and is now living at home trying to claw his way back!)
I'm finding it hard. So many of my friends are now also getting married and starting families. I was with my DH 10 years so I'm still learning how to be single! I made a new hobby which helps keep me busy week day evenings. It's still crap going home alone but it's better than sitting home alone all evening! It also helped me make new friends which meant nights out at weekends occasionally etc.

I was dreading Christmas last year so I went travelling to Vietnam over Christmas! I booked with a tour company so wasn't completely alone, I'm so glad I did it rather than sit home alone. It was an amazing experience.

I've tried dating a couple of people, one I liked who messed me around, and then another I liked but couldn't see it being long term so I ended it.

Horseseeker2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:02:26

I have also travelled alone - I went with Exodus who run holidays for solo travellers.

whattodonowo010 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:08:58

Thank you everyone. I see there is hope smile. I suppose I will have to start by getting my head around what has actually happened and then have a good think about what I want and who I am. At the moment, I could never imagine going travelling alone, which is silly I know, but maybe this could be an aim for the summer hols.

It's not so much on the forefront of my mind to meet someone else for a relationship as I feel I need to be happier on my own first. Just getting there seems a the problem for me. But then, it only has been two months which I suppose is early days after a 14 year relationship.

It's nice to chat to people who are or were in similar situations though.

Loughgirl Fri 04-Nov-16 13:08:58

Give your self lots of time... Nothing wrong with lighting a fire and watching lots of tv till the initial grief has worn down a bit but while doing that get planning. You say you re a teacher with time off then get your backside to somewhere during Easter or next summer like hiking mountains in Austria , riding horses across an American prairie, volunteer to teach in vietnam i.e Do something amazing and exotic... There's lots of group stuff and volunteer organisations out there. Then you have positivity and something to look forward to...then you re not only the girl who has just broken up with your boyfriend but the woman who is grabbing life by the balls. No matter how bad the breakup is nothing could be worse then being in the wrong relationship for years with all those bad vibes and resentments building up. Big hug... You ll come out the other side.

whattodonowo010 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:11:33

Meg what kind of hobby are you doing? I am quite crafty and love woodwork etc but all I seem to find is courses in the daytime which is no good with work.

MegFlyAway Fri 04-Nov-16 15:29:15

It's exercise related. I was so scared at first but now I know people and keeps me busy on evenings after work. Plus exercises release feel good endorphins so always on a high afterwards!

I'm sure you could find something for a weekend? There's also the Meet Up website which looked good although I never ended up going to any of them.

loinnir Fri 04-Nov-16 15:38:26

Agree that exercise is a good one to keep busy - swim/gym/zumba - park run at the weekend. When I was a teacher in London I never had enough money to do anything much (above a 2 week back pack/hostel trip)in the summer holidays - so I got a job in a restaraunt. I made amazing tips (was able to save for a flat deposit), met so many new people and was constantly being asked out! Are there still teacher exchange programmes with other countries? Might give you a new perspective

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