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What do you think about this day-in-the-life relationship?(148 Posts)
I have 2 DC under 2.
Up three times in night breastfeeding baby. H sleeps through.
Toddler cries at 7am, I get up, change her, give her milk, take her downstairs. I ask her to wait while I go back upstairs to get newborn. She follows me back upstairs. H sleeps.
Take newborn downstairs trying to navigate toddler down steep stairs behind me. Make breakfast for toddler. BF baby. Toddler starts throwing food and saying she doesn't want it.
H comes down at 11am, showered and dressed and questions why there is food on the floor. I explain toddler did it. He tells me we need to set a plan in place to discipline her better about food and I must think about what to do to stop the mess happening.
H makes himself coffee and settles down opposite me, still BF-ing, while toddler cries around me because I am not giving her attention. He puts football on his phone.
I burp baby and put him down, clear up the dropped food. then pick up toddler and take her outside in the garden. We play a few games. H comes out and asks if I'd like some of what he's having for breakfast. I say yes.
Baby starts crying while H is making breakfast. H shouts out into garden and tells me to deal with it. I try and persuade toddler to come in but she doesn't want to and starts crying.
I go and get baby while toddler cries outside, with the intention of taking him out, but realise I have to wrap him up because it's cold. Take him upstairs to get blanket. Toddler comes in and follows me.
While wrapping up baby, toddler takes all the clean nappies and spreads them over the floor. Put baby down, try and get toddler to play tidying up game. Toddler takes a pile of nappies downstairs and dumps them at bottom of stairs. H complains that I have let her make a mess AGAIN.
H puts breakfast on table. I hold baby while I eat with one hand. Toddler cries and holds on to my knee. H texts while eating breakfast.
I kiss toddler on head. H looks up and says "you never give me any affection like that." I am so tired I don't know what to say.
I wash up breakfast and baby is crying. Toddler goes into fridge and pulls out bottles and packets. H comes into kitchen, complains that baby is crying, and makes a case that I have "allowed" toddler to "totally mess up the house within 2 hours of us waking up."
H grabs packets and bottles from toddler's hands and shoves them back in fridge and slams the door. Toddler cries and clings on to my leg. I can't finish the washing up.
In dining room, H is setting up his computer on the table (he works from home) and he tells me I must stop toddler from touching it. Baby cries again, wants to be in a different position, so I pick baby up and settle him.
Go upstairs to finally get dressed (yes was in the garden in nightie and jumper.) Toddler follows. I clear up nappies, have a wee and a shower while toddler watches and throws things into the bath shouting random words and pointing out my body parts.
Baby cries, needs changing. H is pacing in dining room saying he cannot do this anymore (unclear what, but presumably just the chaos of mess and noise.) I ask what I can do to help. H lists impossible things like "stop toddler touching anything," and "don't let baby cry." And "be more organised."
Toddler is hungry from refusing breakfast. We need food for lunch, someone's got to get it. H refuses point blank to be left with either child. I give him the option of either going by himself to get food, or me going with both DC. He chooses the latter. Takes me a while to put toddler and baby into car, drive, toddler in trolley, baby in sling, go round Sainsbury's, buy food, back in car.
Toddler is starving now, so give her a cracker while waiting for food. H complains that I feed her junk. I offer to make lunch, but H does not want to deal with DCs, so I look after them while he makes lunch. H asks toddler for a hug. Toddler says no and runs to me. H becomes morose. I suggest that he is a bit gentler with her and then maybe she will want to cuddle. He tells me I have spoilt her and he is the only one who disciplines / is the bad cop and that is why she won't cuddle him.
We sit down to lunch and H accuses me of "never cooking him a hot meal." I say I am always dealing with the children. He says "you don't love me anymore." My brain is too fried from hormones and tiredness to work out what I want to say or fight back or anything.
And on and on and on...
Is this typical of a marriage with very young DC? My H is the one who earns, so certain behaviours and work stress are understandable... but is it really like this?
Nope. He's being a wanker. He appears to have decided as he is "Breadwinner" that you get all the "Wifework". He wouldn't last five minutes if the boot was on the other foot. If you are doing nights, he should be doing toddler or letting you sleep in at weekends.
If you are solely responsible for all childcare he should be stepping up to chores/cooking.
What he actually wants is a Wifey who is nanny, cleaner, maid, cook and shagpiece all in one. If you don't make a stand, it will get worse not better.
If he was at home on a day off then I'd say he was being a dick. However, you say he works from home so you have to deal with stuff as if he isn't there. He should go and work in a room away from you and the children though.
God no OP, you're meant to be a team and your H sounds completely selfish and unreasonable. I won't say LTB because I know it's not that simple but you might want to have a think about whether your life might actually be easier without your H's criticism and unreasonable expectations. I'm sorry things are so hard for you, you must be utterly exhausted
Working from home and only getting up at 11am!?
This is not normal. He is treating you all appallingly. I have no idea where to begin but maybe start by putting an end to facilitating his behaviour.
Why couldn't he pop to sainsburys?
Gosh, that is not normal. Admittedly we only have the one 8mth old but on his days off my partner will take the baby from when he wakes around 6 to around 9 to give me a lay in and catch up on sleep. Baby is a bad sleeper. When he worked next door he popped in to see him and have a cuddle. He does bathtime while I shower. He looks after and plays with the baby while I cook or vice versa.
Your partner wants affection from his kids without giving it himself. He sounds like a selfish asshole, to be honest. You sound like you deserve better.
What do I think? I think you need a divorce
He sounds like a total tosspot. I understand that working from home and being surrounded by kids can make things stressful but comments such as 'you have allowed toddler to make a mess' and 'stop baby crying'? You deserve better.
You know what we are all going to say, I think. Question is what are you going to do?
Are you going to talk to him?
I think you have three children. Not a helpful comment but it's how I feel.
He sounds awful, sorry. My DP wasn't the greatest dad in the world when they were little, but he would always help out if he was home. If he is always on his phone when he is downstairs no wonder the toddler doesn't bother with him, there is no point as far as she can see. It sounds like he is almost a stranger to her, even though they live in the same house.
I think it would be very hard to change how he is, and I'm not sure if I could be bothered. Better off alone maybe?
"You never give me any affection like that".
Can he not work out why?
Maybe it's because he's a selfish, lazy git who doesn't give a shit about you or the kids?
He seems totally focused on his own feelings and seems to have a total empathy bypass to yours.
If the house is too messy for him why on earth doesn't he tidy it instead of having a go at you? His attitude stinks.
I could cry reading that. It sounds truly awful. Have you tried talking to him? I don't know if it's redeemable really. You poor, sleep deprived woman.
I only got to the part where you kiss toddler on head and had to stop as I got the rage.
HE needs to be up, helping with breakfast and entertaining. HE needs to play with toddler while you BF.
HE needs to clear up the mess and make a game out of the mundane sometimes too.
Lazy wanker he sounds.
Show him this thread.
Have my first LTB, dear OP. He sounds like a prize prick.
I work from home and having my own office space is a priority. It's completely unreasonable for him to expect two children to be quiet and tidy around him. If he can't find a quiet space, he should work from the local library.
And as a PP said, he should get up same time as you, or earlier to give you a lie-in. Getting up at 11am and starting work sometime after that... what a douchebag. I start work at 8am latest to take best advantage of having no commute, so I can spend time with the kids later in the day and share bath/dinner responsibilities. Your DH needs to grow the fuck up, fast.
Oh dear that sounds awful and absolutely not ok. Dp was similar and I just had to be firm and say things like 'I am going to the shop now, here is dd, see you in an hour' and although I didn't want to micro manage I asked him to do jobs - thankfully all this prompting has resulted in him now being more proactive but I thought about leaving.
He needs a reality check - can you leave toddler with him alone for the day?
It may be typical. I hope not, because it's not right.
What Alchemy said
If some dad's are a bit useless right at the beginning of DC1, that's possibly understandable, but for a grown man to not realise it's all hands on deck shortly after that, and especially with 2 kids.... That's a whole new level of selfishness.
He has sat there and watched all the work going on around him. What a prize.
I got the rage at the bit where he slept till 11. No, OP, this is not normal or right.
No, it's worse, isn't it? Much worse. He watches and criticises. Wanker
I don't know if you can turn a situation like that around. maybe someone on here has that experience. I doubt it
I don't know any men who behave like that. It's horrible, OP. Not normal.
I'm sorry for you and your dcs. You deserve better.
He sounds like an absolute twat, he really does.
However, there are some bits when I have sympathy for him. For example, if he is working from home then I'm not surprised that he refused to look after either child while you had a shower / went to the shop / made lunch. He wouldn't be able to get any work done if he was supervising a child every time you did this kind of thing (although of course if he's working from home he is available if you really need him).
So the bits that make him a twat are a) having a lie in till 11am when you were up three times in the night and b) the stupid, horrible things he says to you about needing to be more organised and not cooking him a hot lunch and not loving him as much as the toddler.
What happens at weekends? Does he muck in then? Have you told him how tired you are?
Maybe he should work at his work place and not at home. It's stupid to expect an orderly quiet environment with small children about. Of all the places to try and work - fancy a communal area?!!
He clearly has very little interaction with the kids. Then blames his lack of bonding on you - but then I guess it's easier for him to blame you, then look at his own issues.
A toddler throwing food has clearly finished its meal. Food on the walls and nappies on the floor and toys lying about are all normal mess though. He is more then capable of picking up the nappies or wiping food off walls and doing it in a nice way.
Does he ever take the kids so you get a break?
You should have been the one sleeping in because you'd been up during the night.
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