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Separation or divorce or get back together

(11 Posts)
LoveAboveAll Fri 04-Nov-16 00:49:26

How to part quickly and less expensive and amicably?
In brief - great love of my life my husband of 18 years moved out. he talks 2-years separation but is against a full divorce as it is 'too final'
Last 3-4 years were not easy for me and us at all. He got more money and power while I was sitting at home looking after our little son. Mutual attraction seems to have vanished. Last year we had sex 5 times and it was very short. Not really enjoyable for me.As I am a soft and love loving person. It may sounds strange but I had all material things but I wasn't happy as the main element was missing - affection and love. We go out together so rare and don't have common hobbies. Yet he says he loves me.
His shouting and swearing at me become progressively worse over last years...Our child witness this and tries to protect me..We discussed and agreed about parting terms several times.However it all got out of hands when he suddenly got jealous of the other guy.
I am totaly confused on what should I do
- if we are separated now then why he is still controlling me and my life? WHy our finances are not shared fair?
- if he still loves me why then to behave that way and humiliate me, neglet our sex life and move out?
- if I apply for divorce how can I do it on unreasonable behaviour but 'soft version'? I am worried that if I apply first and will put the truth of his scandals down on papers, he then will start his ' adultry version' but that prolonging the process and increasing legal costs?

My child and I quite happy now living on our own - peace and comfort. Yes I miss him and I also will love him deep in my heart. But we can't live together anymore.
How to part quickly and less expensive and amicably?
thank you to all

Mamagin Fri 04-Nov-16 00:53:38

He still wants control, and is stopping you making a life for yourself. I read this for the first time today - is this the game he is playing with you?

LoveAboveAll Fri 04-Nov-16 22:18:57

As the finances are in his total control and he is not sharing yet...Don;t know really - I am in a mess this I know for sure. I know I want freedom and then he does something either nasty or sending loving messages and I am off the balance again for a couple of days.
So that's why I am sure that I need a full clean divorce but I don't know how to do it softly and non-offensive.
thank you!

LoveAboveAll Mon 07-Nov-16 12:49:13

I read this article
and I am amazed
IT IS IT!!!! it is like he was following the rules there
and continues even now
sending me Christmas Bubbles with our 3 initials together??? why ? if we will be not together on Crhistmas...

SO how to end it nicely??? I do want to stay on good terms - sadly I am kind and soft person -(

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 07-Nov-16 13:02:09

I think he will use your inherent niceness against you and he will not see you right. His actions are all still very much about power and control and he still wants absolute over you. This is also why he keeps harping on saying that he does not want a divorce because its too final. No, its a way to keep you still under his control

Take some control back and divorce this man because he still has a hold over you and your child. Do not go at all soft on him and sell your own self down the river in the process, that is just for his sole benefit. Its also all part of his punishment to you for having the gall in his eyes of actually leaving him. You need a full and financial fair settlement and decent legal advice from a solicitor well versed in dealing with such controlling men.

SandyY2K Mon 07-Nov-16 13:39:47

He doesn't want divorce so that he can avoid splitting the assets, paying child support and paying spousal support.

I suggest you file and move forward or he'll continue controlling you and keeping the money. Using that power over you.

2 years gives him time to hide money and ensure you get as little as possible. Holds your cards close to your chest and see a solicitor.

If bank accounts are in his name only, try and write them all down including stocks and shares, along with other assets like property and vehicles.

Lostin3dspace Mon 07-Nov-16 16:50:07

Definately file now, Form E means declaring all financial information including all bank statements for the past year, you should be able to see if he has been hiding money, having a long affair, etc unless he's been sneaky for more than the past year. I did this twice, found out all manner of financial indiscretions and won back my half of money he'd helped himself to. He's probably got away with hiding something as I didn't get to go back to a year before the split, due to him drawing things out as long as he could. He used the time to try and hide thousands in cash. Don't trust him with money, this man is not your friend, he is self interested and all his divorced mates will be telling him how their wives took them for everything, the law is wife biased etc etc, hmm which just isn't true at all angry

LoveAboveAll Mon 07-Nov-16 21:46:27

Thank you to all!
When I saw a laywer for an initial meeting I was told that he can't hide anything that is not traceable as it comes out his b/a

TO FILE for divorce on WHICH grounds??? And are 'nice' grounds you can suggest? That I can use and he could accept with dignity? I would like to avoid a loud and dirty court process that cost me lots of dosh.

Yes I still love him deep in my heart - we have been together for such a long time!!! But I don't want to cling on him and just want him to be happy again as well...
To be honest I would be relieved to hear that he had someone as otherwise I am totaly confused as we didn't have sex almost at all (5times in year?!and not passionate as such...) and yet he said that he wants lots of sex...good luck with that I thought...

Aww I am a mess!!!

Lostin3dspace Tue 08-Nov-16 04:07:23

My recent experience is that in theory divorce doesn't have to cost the earth, but this means both parties have to open, honest and fair. If this is the case, then it would only cost you the court filing fees, about £450, and any fees involved to conveyances for selling or buying out a house, having an agreement drawn up, etc. As soon as one person is dishonest or greedy, that is what costs serious money.
The 'softest' approach is legal separation of 2 years reason. I wouldn't recommend if it is likely stbxh will use the time to hide assets and squander joint money on his midlife crisis / new girlfriend / rental property etc. After that, there is 'unreasonable behaviour' and the reasons you give just need to be two or three vague reasons, like ' communication broke down between us and I felt unsupported' , or 'he put golf before me' etc
The divorce petition isn't an easily obtainable public document, the actual divorce certificate is a non event that just says 'marriage of X and y dissolved on z date', so most embarrassment comes from what you each tell your mutual friends.
He can hide assets, cash is very difficult to trace, you have to declare anything worth more than £500, so you could start buying £450 assets that can be re-sold like jewellery, or withdraw cash and hide it in your mums account, then claim you spent it on taxis or nightclubbing etc. Another I've heard of is cash back at supermarkets, which just looks like extra on your grocery bill. The courts may decide that sure, he's taken the money, but it's gone now and it can't be reclaimed, or they may take the benefit gained into account. He can also simply not declare a savings account you don't know about, and it will be up to you to find out and highlight it to the court. You could hire a forensic accountant, but their powers aren't any more than yours are.
If he is a secretive money grabbing type, definitely act now, write off the fact that it will cost you money against the amount you stand to lose if you trust him. In my case it would have been many tens of thousands of pounds I would have lost, versus the lesser cost of my legal fees. I also went into it on principle of the thing (sick and tired of being financially dictated to) and not knowing the extent to which he'd tried to rip me off, so came out of it very much better off than I expected, and had I not done so I would have have been bitter for the rest of my life that he would have got away with it. I'm still a bit bitter I was so reasonable, trusting and accommodating in the first place, he took full advantage.

LoveAboveAll Thu 10-Nov-16 23:52:18

Lost3dspace - thank you for sharing your story and advice.
I started to realise what a fool I was trusting him completely and being quite modest in my needs...
So to recap
stage 1 - divorce application and grounds formulation
if he doesn't agree to my grounds then what could happen? court hearing? how detailed and how long/costly this could be?

stage 2 - finances agreement - again if he doesn't agree with the term how long this could go and if the court will have power to make him share our assets?

stage 3 - child agreement

and all is final then

Am I right?

Lostin3dspace Fri 11-Nov-16 19:42:31


See a solicitor, file the divorce petition, also file an application for financial relief. You can get your solicitor to draft some very vague reasons. The least offensive the better really. Your stbxh will get a notice of the court hearing date for financial relief. In my case, the divorce was not granted until financial relief had been settled. Take the original of your marriage certificate to your solicitors appointment. If he contests the divorce, ultimately it will just take longer and cost more, but the outcome is the same in the end.

When you file for financial relief, your stbxh gets sent a Form E to fill in, as will you. This is a declaration of everything you have, house, life insurance policy, pension, savings, businesses, stocks, shares, piles of cash, valuable assets, debts - everything. While you wait for the form, get busy at home getting copies of everything you can financial.
The same form asks you what your interest is. It is at least 50%, but could be more if the children will live with you permanently.
I did not have a custody battle, so am short on advice on that front. Everything child related was mutually agreed, and there is still nothing court ordered today. If my exh steps out of line or breaks the mutual agreement though, I'm sure he is under no illusions about how quickly I will file for a court order, so to date all is well there. But child arrangements is part of the same process of divorce. In short, there can be no divorce until what you agree on with regard to how to share the marital pot and how to care for children is filed with the court. If you don't agree, the court will decide for you, and all agreements or court decisions will be written up in a court order in the end.

Remember, it is solicitors time that costs the most money, so the more you can agree between you, the better. You may well be asked to use mediation to come to an agreement, it will still result in a court order, even if you don't attend court.

Best of luck, I can't tell you how much better I feel now it is all done and dusted, even though I didn't want it in the first place.


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