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I'm feeling trapped, I just want to escape

(28 Posts)
Womadia28 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:18:36

I feel like I'm going round in circles, no one to talk to in RL, as family and friends think DH is Mr Perfect, hence the need to offload and ask for your help on here.

I'm a SAHM who has just started studying for a degree part time. Dh has his own business and he is out early before the DC awake and has a return home time that is variable (sometimes he's back for school pick up or DC activities, other times he is travelling around the UK or at network evenings). I'm expected to run the house singlehandly. I'm getting increasingly frustrated and trapped, the DC have hobbies that mean my evenings are busy, he does help when he can but there is no set pattern so if I wanted to plan a mid week catch up with my friend or take up a hobby, it's nigh on impossible.

When I ask/ beg for more time it is given, but with a caveat of how lucky I am and that means he is not committing to his work due to my 'neediness' and selfishness.

I'm feeling worn out and depressed, I've said I want him to leave but he has warned me that if we do split, my situation will be much worse and I won't be able to cope on my own. But why should I be with someone who makes me feel so unhappy, like a maid rather than a wife?

I love my family but I need some time for me and I'm not getting it, I feel he has me over a barrel as he is the provider of the house. It won't be easy to find a part time job due to the DC and my studies but I can't bear this unhappy, trapped feeling. There is no one that can help me as I don't have a good relationship with my DP (narcissism) and the friends I do have have situations worse than mine, they would be shocked if I told them I was unhappy as everyone comments how lucky I am having such a supportive and kind DH.

He won't see that his help is really not helping, there is no emotional connection and I really resent him being out whilst I'm stuck at home.

I'm starting to really want us to split but I am scared, he is right about my neediness (something which I wasn't before DC)

Sorry for the long post, I needed to write it down before I burst! If anyone can offer me any assurance that it will be ok I really need it.

yohoohoo Thu 03-Nov-16 22:24:10

Bless you. You need a proper talk and he needs to listen to you and how you're feeling. It wont go away until it gets aired and he understands you just cant go on anymore. Do you get much time together or could you get away for the weekend?

Womadia28 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:48:42

Thank you for your reply yoohoohoo, I've had numerous talks and texts and rants, the same reason comes back - I'm too needy, I'm lucky to have him and his ability to change his working hours (when it suits him rather than me). He sees I'm tired but offers no solution. I can't go back to counselling as I felt the counsellor was biased towards him.

You can see why I feel depressed and trapped.

Womadia28 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:53:30

I met someone threw a long abandoned hobby a few years back. Although we've not met since, we do text from time to time. I'm that unhappy I've started to fantasise about meeting up with him,, even though he is not my type at all and I know it would be wrong.

I just crave feeling loved and appreciated. When I see other threads on here I do sound self indulgent, I just have no one to talk to this about.

Astro55 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:54:13

Why are you suggesting he helps you? Isn't an equal relationship where you both step up and parent the kids and pitch in with chores?

If you do split he will have to step up 50/50 parenting - he won't be able to swan off to meetings without pre arranging and paying for childcare - nor will he have time to cook and clean - ask him to think about how he intends to make things work when he's single?

Womadia28 Thu 03-Nov-16 23:01:52

Astro55, my DH is very good at batting away those arguments. He believes we shouldn't split as it will impact on me and my situation will be worse as I'll feel more frustrated and lonely, he doesn't see it will affect him. He probably would cope better as I've become more useless with managing the house this year, my degree is my exit from the home but I'm not able to study or read when I'm back as I'm back into maid mode.

Strawberry90 Thu 03-Nov-16 23:11:02

You sound bored, frustrated and lonely op. Will your degree lead to a job? That could be what you need to get your spark again.
You need to reconnect with your husband. His threats that you'll be worse off probably come from a feR of losing you. He probably doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. But you should take comfort he doesn't want to lose you. Plan a weekend or night away with him. Talk in a positive manner about what you bith can change.
Be more assertive re time off. Do plan something even if it's just to go the cinema on your own and tell him (don't ask) 'I'm out tomorrow night please be home at x time'. And follow through going no matter what he says.
I hope you can find some fulfilment again.

Womadia28 Thu 03-Nov-16 23:23:50

I appreciate your replies as I feel like my sad emotions are clouding me.
He'd be devastated if we split, but in all honesty, my feelings are turning from love to frustration. Our past date nights where we discussed these same issues do not resolve anything. I'm tired, irritable and incredibly lonely. By the time he comes home I'm too tired to go anywhere.

Strawberry90 Fri 04-Nov-16 06:31:45

Can you pinpoint what's making you so tired? Is it just the volume of responsibilities or being drained emotionally? Not judging but mine are babies still - by the time they are school age I should have thought I'd have energy to go out in evenings? Can you hire in help in form of cleaner or regular babysitter to relieve you regularly?
This man from your old hobby sounds dangerous. Be careful of continuing to contact him or you might end up having affair. It sounds like you are tempted ATM tbh.

ErnieAndBernie Fri 04-Nov-16 08:13:00

I think he needs an ultimatum to be honest. One which you will actually need to carry out if necessary. strawberry90 says 'His threats that you'll be worse off probably come from a fear of losing you. He probably doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. ' I agree but for completely different reasons. He is being controlling. Keeping you on the edge of never knowing if he will be back so you cannot organise your life and he can blame you for it and call you needy. You would totally be able to cope if he was not there. Because you and the kids would develop a routine you would be in charge of and you would be able to make time to study, to find a reliable babysitter to go out and do whatever hobby occasionally and he would need to step up and actually agree to specific times and days that he had the kids.
If his job is that flexible you need to tell him you need him home at x time on x evenings a week so you can study/ have your own time. Non-negotiable. And if he can't agree to that you need to kick him into touch about it. You don't sound needy. You sound like you have a plan for the future and the person who loves you should be there to support making this work for the benefit of both of you in the long term.
Good luck. I know its difficult. I recognise some of your husbands behaviours from my own situation.....

alwayshappy101 Fri 04-Nov-16 08:26:14

It sounds like he's trying to scare you into staying with him by saying you won't be able to cope on your own.

But imo it sounds like you're doing it all on your own anyway.

If he really won't listen to you,perhaps you better leave him.

Then if you do leave him,you will get time on your own while he has the dc to start a hobby or see friends.

Perhaps give him an ultimatum-things must change or you will leave.and if he tries telling you that you won't cope on your own just tell him you are doing everything on your own now anyway.

flowers

Womadia28 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:00:06

Thanks again everybody, it's helpful and a relief to know I'm not needy. I can do this on my own as when he's around it's chaotic and stressful, the DC start to act up and we end up rowing.

He's been full of remorse today, I felt absolutely terrible and confused last night. I'm tired of the never ending running of the house, the DC and having nothing that makes me happy. I've lost some good friends along the way as I've been unable to have the time or the energy to see them, I have school mum friends but they're not the same. I'm still getting to know others on my course but they're much younger than me. I need time to look into my own social time and making new friends and just having some time independently.

I wouldn't embark on an affair, I think as I feel neglected and unappreciated my mind starts to try and find some kind of excitement.

keepingonrunning Fri 04-Nov-16 14:34:55

He is making sure he is getting his needs met but stonewalling you when you try to discuss getting yours met.
I was interested to read you are the child of narcissists. You might consider that, having been primed to cater for these types of personality from being very young, that you have attracted one as an adult in the form your H. You won't have spotted it when his kind of over-bearing personality is what you are used to.
I think it's time you put your needs first. That makes you normal, not needy. Your H is trying to keep you in your place with a put-down like 'you're too needy'. His life is going swimmingly - someone to manage the domestic front and to turn out lovely DC to parade, engrossed in work and whatever else he is doing when he is away from the family. Your life isn't going swimmingly and he's trying to silence you when you express a desire for change.
Come on Cinders, you know you could manage without him if you wanted to. Don't let him convince you otherwise just because it suits him to have you as a scivvy at home. Start collecting important papers and copies of financial paperwork just in case, and store them at a trusted friend's, neighbour's or self-storage facility.

yogayear Fri 04-Nov-16 14:36:07

How old are the children?

It seems you have fallen into the traditional wife/husband role.From his perspective he is being the provider so you can be at home.

From your perspective you want a more balanced partnership, which I totally understand.
Your tiredness maybe contributing to feeling low so is that an underlying issue worth investigating?

What do you need specifically from him? I think it has to be specific rather than 'just be here more'.

I think the issue could be soluble as long as resentment doesn't grow as that's destructive to a marriage.
I am separating and think I went through something very similar.My h loved his job, it occupied him completely whereas I was only able to work around his availability.It caused me to feel low and we seemed really get in a cycle that wasn't resolvable once there is resentment.

Divorce really isn't the easy way out but it's necessary if there is no goodwill left in the relationship.I don't think you are there yet (but close to it).

Do remember you are responsible for your happiness.Ignore any barriers and just see if you can describe what you need it feel happy?
If your dh really can't be around during the week on a consistent basis can you arrange for a reliable babysitter?

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Nov-16 14:41:36

Whilst he is full of remorse why not set out some kind of a contract as to how he can support you with your studies and managing the house and DC? He currently has no real incentive to change unless he decides he doesn't want a divorce.

Might you be depressed? Overwhelming tiredness, inability to cope and feeling overwhelmed are common features. Your situation sounds enough to make you feel depressed. If, however, that is the case don't let him use that against you as in, 'oh, now I'm helping out and working to support you all because you've got depression.'

I hope this works out for you. He is in the wrong.

keepingonrunning Fri 04-Nov-16 14:43:34

I think you are being emotionally abused Here are some suggestions for looking after your needs

keepingonrunning Fri 04-Nov-16 14:46:27

It is very possible you would feel a great deal less worn out and depressed if you were back in control of your own life - without Mr Perfect.

keepingonrunning Fri 04-Nov-16 14:49:56

Calling you selfish and needy is most likely projecting his own shortcomings. Your inner voice is telling you you are trapped. And it's right, isn't it.

Womadia28 Fri 04-Nov-16 15:21:43

Matilda I like the idea of a contract and getting a babysitter but I'd have to contact an external organisation - I'm very private about my life to the point of secretive, that is a result of my upbringing, I cannot discuss my issues with anyone. My 'D'M is not reliable to support me with childcare and I feel she is too dangerous in her actions around the DC (DD thinks I'm awful to her but at 10 she is too young to understand the manipulative nature of DM).

yogayear I will try again with talking to him about my specific needs, resentment and hatred have started to seep in but I also have guilt as breaking up may have a detrimental effect on the DC. Sorry to hear you are going through separation, how are you coping now you have made the decision to separate? I need to do something, separating is a big step for me.

I'm not sure if he has all the traits in the link you sent keeponrunning but he displays some. I'm currently getting lots of concerned texts from him and even had a visit earlier to check I was ok as well as take the dogs out. I would have been grateful for this if I'd known he was coming home. Does that make sense? He helps on his terms, not when I need or can plan it.

It's all very frustrating and confusing. Cheers for bearing with me.

keepingonrunning Sat 05-Nov-16 01:43:27

It's not about ticking all 30 different boxes in the article, it's about a pattern of behaviour, the frequency of even a few of them.
Confusion about what is playing out in the relationship can be another intuitive indicator of emotional abuse. Do you sense a power imbalance? From what you say he is treating you like a child.

Womadia28 Sat 05-Nov-16 06:55:15

Thanks kor, I do feel there is a power imbalance as he is the financial provider, I bring nothing like that as I'm the SAHM. Everything is on his terms. I had another frustrating evening, the DC went to bed successfully, no issues there. Although I'd wanted to talk and even see if we could go to bed early for a cuddle, he fell asleep!

This morning after finally making it to the bed in the early hours he wants me to cuddle him and is asking me what's up and why I'm being cold?

I'm fed up of mixed signals and feeling generally unhappy. If I tell him I want him to leave or change he does for a short time but then goes back to being an ignorant, not very empathic arsehole!

pallasathena Sat 05-Nov-16 07:54:17

I think you're feeling overwhelmed with all the domestic drudgery. You need to have proper, orchestrated time in your daily schedule where you can do things for yourself rather than for the family.
I would suggest a couple of avenues to explore.
One, pay for a cleaner to come in twice a week for two hours a session. That's your time to go out, sit with a drink and your laptop in a coffee shop and just watch the world go by if you prefer. Its called decompressing and it really works.
Two, plan a date night once a week where you stay in, go out, whatever but its designed to be a fun time not a negative time. No talk about problems or worries, just focus on each other, appreciating each other and rekindling the spark that first brought you together.
You sound overwhelmed. But from what you say, your DH seems to care very deeply for you and doesn't really understand what he can do to make things better. Hints won't help. Neither will getting upset. Make demands and then implement them by sorting out your schedules so that you actually get the time you need to make life more tolerable.

DamePastel Sat 05-Nov-16 07:57:15

You're situation won't beworse!

There's a kind of resentment that goes hand in hand with doing 90% when you're married that just does not go hand in hand with doing 90% when you're single.

DamePastel Sat 05-Nov-16 08:02:39

Ps You need to believe in yourself. No ultimatum will have any power when you are genuinely questioning if you're needy.

No you are not needy to want the sacrifices of parenting equalised more. He is needy, because his 'need' to absolve responsibility is being pandered to.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 05-Nov-16 08:12:02

If you've tried repeatedly to get him to take your needs into account, eg by getting home at a certain time so you can go out with a friend, it would be interesting to see his reaction if you found your own solution in the form of a babysitter who would come regardless. I strongly suspect that his 'inability' to be reliable here, is about preventing you from going out, and he wouldn't take kindly to being thwarted. Does he have hobby nights? (Sorry if you've already said, difficult to scroll up w/out losing post on phone)

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