Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

(252 Posts)
Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 19:08:53

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn hmm

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated flowers

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Nov-16 19:15:42

I wouldn't allow him within a mile of my child!

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 19:18:26

Imperial I think you posted on my last thread, so thank you flowers

Clutterbugsmum Thu 03-Nov-16 19:20:21

Tell him you offer from last May still stands he needs to organize and pay for a contact centre. It will only by doing this will you see whether he has changed. If he is willing to do this then over time you may be able to go back to how it was but with him doing the travelling picking up/bringing back your DS.

I'd also ask for details so you can claim child maintence.

I'm guessing when HE has to do the leg work in setting up contact arrangements he go back into the wood work.

If he really has change and wants to jump through hoops then he will do it.

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Nov-16 19:21:53

Yes, if he wants to start paying maintenance - and back payments, of course - and set up meetings at the contact centre, then you can consider it. Is there anyone who can take your child along there, so you don't have to see him? I'm thinking of a huge guy!

ElspethFlashman Thu 03-Nov-16 19:23:17

Contact centre X 1000.

No other option.

ThatStewie Thu 03-Nov-16 19:23:27

Deal from last May stands. He does all the leg work organising it. He also takes random drug tests. He also starts paying maintenance today.

luckylucky24 Thu 03-Nov-16 19:25:11

Contact centre. No other way is suitable under these circumstances.

Your son is pretty young. He probably doesn't even remember his "dad".

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 19:26:32

He doesn't remember him at all. My main fear is him having DS unsupervised and taking him. How long can I expect a contact centre to facilitate it?

MozzchopsThirty Thu 03-Nov-16 19:28:16

I agree with previous posters but sadly we don't live in an ideal world

A contact centre is unlikely to facilitate contact, these are mainly for children in the care system where contact needs to take place with a SW
They will outsource at any available space and they are massively under funded.

If you deny access and he applies to the court he is most likely to get some form of contact


MozzchopsThirty Thu 03-Nov-16 19:29:15

Also paying maintenance has nothing to do with contact

Diamonddealeroncemore Thu 03-Nov-16 19:30:55

Definitely offer him the contact centre. If he decides to go to court for contact you need to have been seen to trying to facilitate the contact even if you really want to tell him to go feck himself (if you see my thread about my ex you will see I have experience of feckers! You can stick yours on the bonfire I'm building for mine)

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 19:31:46

I know maintenance has nothing to do with contact. I was adding it so as it wasn't drip fed later, and that I could give a bigger picture.

When I spoke to the contact centre back in may they were reasonable. It was a church run place for the local community, and you had to pay per session.

LondonSouth28 Thu 03-Nov-16 19:43:05

He threatened to take your child and not return him, he has form for 'flipping out' and your son won't know him, so I'd offer contact centre as the only option. No matter how nice he is being do not allow anything else. You know his enthusiasm for DS will be short lived so just go through the motions until he invariably gets bored again and disappears.

LifeLong13 Thu 03-Nov-16 19:57:58

You're a better woman than me OP because I'd be telling him to go fuck himself.

Contact centre & he can bloody well pay for it- it's not like he's paying CM

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 20:04:17

Life, I felt like it, but when it comes down to it that's something for DS to decide when he's old enough. Thank you all so much. From the bottom of my heart.

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 20:05:17

London, it may well go that way. He's a game player. My concern is he goes through the motions to get DS unsupervised and that's where it goes tits up.

5BlueHydrangea Thu 03-Nov-16 20:07:41

He sounds very unreliable. Contact centre def best idea. How much do they charge? Is he working now?

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 20:08:26

Think it's about £5 a time. He said he was yes. I even offered to pay for it when previously offered angry

5BlueHydrangea Thu 03-Nov-16 20:13:37

£5 is nothing compared to the importance of this. If he is working he should be paying maintenance too. I thought even if you were on JSA etc you had to pay a small amount anyway. Lots to try and sort. But make him do the running!
A year is a long time to be absent from a child's life and then expect to just wander back on his terms.

Haunter Thu 03-Nov-16 20:26:31

but when it comes down to it that's something for DS to decide when he's old enough

Have to disagree with this OP, he sounds like an unreliable arse and him picking up and dropping contact whenever he fancies could cause untold emotional damage to your son. It's lucky he showed his true colours whilst your son was so young. If he behaves like this when your son is 5/6/7+ it'll be devastating for him. He can't even be bothered to go down the legal route, that alone tells you how serious he is about his relationship with his son. Contact centre is all I would offer.
Incidentally I have a son with a completely absent father and he is a very happy confident child. I'm a firm believer in the old 'no father is better than a shit one'. I've read so many threads on here from mothers heart broken for their kids being let down by their dads over and over again, it must destroy their self worth.

QueenLizIII Thu 03-Nov-16 20:29:32

Contact centres aren't free unless the children are looked after. He'd have to pay.

I'd just say no and let him apply to court. If he doesn't then shows how much he cares.

LondonSouth28 Thu 03-Nov-16 20:32:20

Sounds like the contact centre is the only way forward. Stick to that no matter what he says. As bluehydrangea says, let him do the running, don't push it along. I hope he is sincere this time, it would be nice to think he has realised what he is missing,

Ohb0llocks Thu 03-Nov-16 20:58:30

I just don't want to do anything that could make me seem like the bad one if it did go to court.

Haunter I see your point completely, DS is such a happy little boy and is so loved by everyone around him. Him and my partner adore each other which melts my heart, but I dread him turning round and placing the blame on me when he's older. I know how manipulative his dad can be.

5BlueHydrangea Thu 03-Nov-16 20:59:03

I agree. An absent father is better than a selfish unreliable one. My eldest dd has no relationship with hers. Has a lovely extended family network and we manage quite well without him! Not fair to get expectations up and then they come to nothing. Again. And again...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: