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Got pregnant by man who turned out to be married

(59 Posts)
user1472582572 Thu 03-Nov-16 01:56:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 03-Nov-16 03:16:03

Why can men do things like this and get away with it?

Some men, and some women, have no moral scruple whatsoever, but you didn't have to allow him to impregnate you and it can't be said that he will have entirely 'got away with it' if he's required to pay child maintenance for the next 18 years or more.

File a claim here: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview

user1477282676 Thu 03-Nov-16 03:36:58

You need to face up to the situation here...it's terrible! But he didn't just get you pregnant...you were part of that.

Obviously you need to hit him for child support now. Does his wife know you are pregnant?

SpareASquare Thu 03-Nov-16 03:44:18

Meh! How long did you know him before you decided to have a baby with him? Clearly not long enough!

If he doesn't want to part of the childs life, sort out child support and move on.

Pilotress Thu 03-Nov-16 03:47:44

Sorry to hear this OP. Where did you meet him? Was it through a dating site?

Marilynsbigsister Thu 03-Nov-16 05:14:03

As there are over 12 different methods of contraception available that all provide more than 96% effectiveness, I am slightly perplexed by the ' he got me pregnant ' assertion. Why were you not taking responsibility for your own fertility. ? Were you hoping that a pregnancy would persuade this man to commit?
That said, he has an equal responsibility for his fertility and having not taken that responsibility,, will now have to pay the price- literally. Get a child support claim in as soon as the child is born. Forget about a relationship with him. If he wanted this, he would already be there.

Strawberry90 Thu 03-Nov-16 05:24:02

Are you for real?
You need to start assessing your own part in this
- why you allowed yourself to be lied to
- why you got pregnant with a man you barely knew. You obviously weren't living together or committed to each other if he was married.
Men do these things because some women let them.
Go no contact with him
File for child support
Sort your life out and start preparing for your beautiful baby (congratulations btw) who will require you to make a little better decisions in future

FerretFred Thu 03-Nov-16 05:25:33

Did you intend to get pregnant?

gratesnakes Thu 03-Nov-16 05:35:16

Sorry this has happened to you. I don't know why a man would lie so much. It must have hurt you very much. However, what you can do now is make the best life you can for you and your child. So you must claim child support from him.
Best of luck to you.

Strawberry90 Thu 03-Nov-16 05:41:44

Ps sorry to sound harsh (possibly due to posting at 5am! I imagine you probably didn't mean to get pregnant. You must feel very betrayed and hurt. He sounds like a tool.

user1477282676 Thu 03-Nov-16 05:52:49

Strawberry You assumed an awful lot there. You don't know that he was even living with his wife when OP met him and not sure how people can DIS allow someone from lying to them.

It's not something you "allow". People lie.

Crispsheets Thu 03-Nov-16 05:58:55

Girl power??

FerretFred Thu 03-Nov-16 06:00:05

User

People do lie, but before allowing yourself to fall pregnant by someone it's the responsible thing to ensure that you actually know that person very well.

Likewise any man has a responsibility to actively ensure adequate protection is taken. If you have done everything you can and a woman still falls pregnant, then you have to face up to your responsibilities.

Manumission Thu 03-Nov-16 06:10:27

Christ, kick a woman when she's down shock

OP it sounds like you've been through a series of shocks flowers

Do you have enough info about him to pursue child support?

legotits Thu 03-Nov-16 06:19:57

What's done is done.

Don't waste time with him, based on what you KNOW already he isn't a good role model and is dishonest, cut losses and end it.
Register for maintainance and keep things simple.

Don't get tangled up with spunksprayers and don't rush to find a new partner.
Adjust your standards.

SpunkyMummy Thu 03-Nov-16 06:52:04

That's horrible 💐💐. Does his wife know? Because... I'm not sure if you want to hear this, but your LO has half siblings.

Make him pay?

springydaffs Thu 03-Nov-16 07:13:16

Bloody hell. What's with the why you allowed yourself to be lied to??

Blame the victim, why don't you hmm

Some people are fucked in the head/heart /morals, op. Brrr. Thankfully, they are in the minority.

Sorry you've had a poor response on here. It's things like 'he got me pregnant' that raised hackles and coloured responses.

aforestgrewandgrew Thu 03-Nov-16 07:19:17

Wow, the sanctimonious holier than thou mob are out in force today.

People, give the OP a break, your nasty comments say more about you than her. This is relationships not AIBU.

Why don't you fuck off to AIBU where you belong and leave those of us with an ounce of compassion to support the OP.

Overthinker2016 Thu 03-Nov-16 07:19:27

Strawberry - some people do just lie hmm

It not some thing you can control. Don't be so horrible.

aforestgrewandgrew Thu 03-Nov-16 07:23:28

user1472582572 ignore the idiots please. Plenty of mums here - and since the beginning of time - got pregnant by the wrong man or at a less than ideal time. That's life.

I'm sorry to hear you were so badly betrayed. You have done nothing to deserve this, it's natural to assume people are who they say they are and haven't woven a web of lies, most people are not like this.

Do you have support in RL?

JustSpeakSense Thu 03-Nov-16 07:38:24

I'm so sorry you've been hurt so badly.

At least you are not the poor woman married to a liar at least you have seen him for what he is.

You can take two positives from this awful experience: 1) you will be less trusting and wiser next time your oath crosses with a shitty liar like this. 2) your child, which will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Try to be positive and move on with your life, beating yourself up over this constantly will mean he's still winning.

And yes, it is obviously your top priority to get child support from him.

AntiqueSinger Thu 03-Nov-16 08:14:24

So sorry you've been treated so abominably O.P. What a horrible man your ex is. You must be very distressed, knowing you face a future as a single parent with no support from him. I'm sure you loved him, and he has just walked all over you. What a complete and utter tosser he is. Please don't blame yourself for believing his lies, some people are extremely manipulative and calculating deceivers, and he would have gone to a great deal of trouble to make the lies appear authentic, and hide the truth from you and his wife, who you should feel a great deal of compassion for, being married to a loser.

You said you believe in girl power: well this is the opportunity to demonstrate some. First, refuse to ever have anything beyond purely platonic conversation with this pathetic excuse of a man again. No listening to his excuses, no asking him why? No tears, no pleading. No following him obsessively on Facebook and wondering what he's up to with his wife. Block him if you can't do this.

Secondly if he wants to see his child, try to arrange contact through a third person, so you dont have to see him

Third. Please treat yourself well. Pamper yourself for a bit.

Fourth. Get connected with other mums when the baby is born and don't isolate yourself, and gather as much support as you can from friends and family.

Fifth. Realise it isn't the end of the world. Being a single parent is tough, but also wonderful. Believe me when I say, it will not prevent you meeting other lovely, worthwhile men, getting married, and having the family of your dreams. But you will need to get this wanker out of your hair.

Sixth, look up, the sky is blue and you still have a great future ahead of you. I won't lie the first year or is going to be challenging, but you can do it, millions of women have trodden the path you're on and done amazing things. You can too.smileflowers

And why do (some) men lie like this? Because they're so spineless they know they wouldn't get what they want any other way. See the positive side. He knew your principles were so high you'd never shag him if he told you the truth. So he had to invent a false persona to get you. Now you've seen the real him, I bet he feels crap, knowing he can't hoodwink you again, and your legs are now permanently closed. You though, are going to grow and learn from this. I promise the day will come when you'll laugh and wonder why you wasted so much emotion on the idiot. Good luck flowers

user1472582572 Thu 03-Nov-16 08:57:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anicechocolatecake Thu 03-Nov-16 09:04:12

He has behaved appallingly and you must be crushed. Unplanned pregnancies happen. No one, unless they're infertile, is really immune to it happening to them. I don't understand the judgement on here.
I hope you can build a good life with your child. You are so much better off without this man in your life but you need to give yourself time to get over it. His poor wife too.

SpunkyMummy Thu 03-Nov-16 09:06:00

user

You know what? In my opinion it's not your fault at all!
There are cunts out there (arseholes, predators, psychopaths) that do shit like this. They are very good at what they do. This "man" preyed on your trust.
Sure, you are partially responsible for the pregnancy (we all know that no contraceptive is 100%safe). But him being a lying scumbag? That's not your fault!!

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