Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think it's happening again

(27 Posts)
bigbumbrunette Wed 02-Nov-16 20:47:41

This is more a brain dump than a request for advice. I can'tell talk to anyone in RL about this just yet. I gave my DH a chance when he was caught out having an affair a couple of years ago. The main reasons for that were because of our DC (if we didn't have a child I wouldn't have had to speak to him again) and because he took full ownership and responsibility for it all. He gave me passwords to his email accounts and access to his phone bill. Things had been going really well. The last few weeks he's been a lot more like the 'old' him. Judgmental about everyone around me (family & friends), short tempered around the house and not so fussed about intimacy which has sent me reeling back to how he was during the affair. So I checked his phone bill. I've run a few of the numbers through fb search and one that he text on a Saturday night once when he was with me and then again at early o'clock the next day when he was off to work. The search brought up the profile of a woman who is absolutely his 'type' (he rarely varies from this), lives one stop from us on the train and works near him. He has form for chatting people up on the train. He has no reason to be in contact with her. This just started at the end of last month so his bill cuts off until the next one comes out at the end of this month. I will have to wait a whole month to get more detail of whether he continues with contact. I can't ask him, he'll deny anything (he did before and it made me really ill for a long time).
I know it's a LTB. I don't trust him. I don't even like him right now. But I need to be in a position where I can just tell him that there's no further discussion, he's gone. I'm not there just yet.

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Nov-16 20:51:21

That's a really, really horrible situation to be in. You poor thing.

I do think that many people, once forgiven, go on to do the same thing again, and it's soul destroying.

Can you think through your options? Do you work? How old are your children?

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Nov-16 20:53:10

Don't you think you have enough evidence now?

What would happen if you asked the phone company for an interim bill?

bigbumbrunette Wed 02-Nov-16 20:59:40

You're right, in my previous experience it's never been a 'one off'.
I do work and, although married, we're not financially entwined. I can't afford to stay in this house though so would need to find somewhere else and have that ball rolling first.

RandomMess Wed 02-Nov-16 21:08:47

Your DC have to be housed so don't make any rash decisions about you needing to move out - he will need to financially contribute.

Perhaps do your research for a SHL to help pass the waiting time?

bigbumbrunette Wed 02-Nov-16 21:15:35

He will do yes but I'd much rather be able to shut down every avenue of communication other than about DC. if there's one thing I've learnt from this mess it's to not give him a chance to have any hold over me other than contact about DC

Good idea on the SHL though. A friend of mine is going through divorce and highly recommended hers (and luckily told me her name) so I don't need to divulge anything just yet.
I'm so angry and disappointed. Mainly at myself.

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Nov-16 21:23:26

No, you trusted someone who wasn't worth it. That is not your fault. It shows you're a lovely person and he's not.

bigbumbrunette Wed 02-Nov-16 21:31:34

Thank you Imperial. I mean, I may be completely wrong and jumping to conclusions but I don't think I am. And even if I am, it proves we've not healed enough for me to trust him. And I don't want to live my life like that.

ImperialBlether Wed 02-Nov-16 21:49:33

I don't blame you. It's an awful way to live.


Humblebee1 Wed 02-Nov-16 23:23:05

Oh BBB, that's rubbish for you. I am still considering my own future, and going through the process you described going through yourself 2 years ago.
I hope things work out for youflowers

AnotherEmma Wed 02-Nov-16 23:27:58

Go and see that SHL
Then divorce the cheating bastard
But do talk to someone in RL, you will need the support
Don't keep it to yourself because it will be too easy to ignore it all, bury your head in the sand and carry on with life as "normal"... but it's not normal to live like that.
Facing up to it includes telling people.

Humblebee1 Wed 02-Nov-16 23:32:30

Yep, agree with pp. If your certain he's at it again, make the change happen.

bigbumbrunette Wed 02-Nov-16 23:44:19

Oh believe me, when I know for definite I'll tell everyone. But right now I need to know. I've just Googled another number and it's traced to an item on a selling site that I know he's looking to buy so I need to know for definite in my own mind (I kind of do but need to know 100%)
I need to be able to feel I can hold my head high knowing that if/when our marriage fails it's not my doing and I've tried and done as much as I can. I know that sounds pretty mad

Humblebee1 Thu 03-Nov-16 00:04:29

You need to be sure though. Is there any cause for him to have contact with anyone work related for work purposes.
I can understand that you are feeling like you're going mad - you're not. Just don't let him know you're aware of the phone calls or he'll get another if he is cheating.

bigbumbrunette Thu 03-Nov-16 00:39:42

The person whose profile it is doesn't work with him. Her full page is open so I can see that. And it'd be a mighty bit coincidence that she lives near us and works near him if it is just a selling site contact!
Keeping my powder dry.... I'll get to the bottom of it!

bigbumbrunette Thu 03-Nov-16 04:28:56

I can't sleep, my brain won't shut off. On a positive note, I've looked online at other properties, checked out entitledto, ran through csa calculator, screen shots of phone bills, planned my approach (I'll talk to him on Saturday, sod waiting another month). But I still can't shut off and I have to work tomorrow!

WelshMoth Thu 03-Nov-16 04:58:03

Sorry to read this BBB - any way of getting an interim bill like a pp mentioned? How guarded is he with his phone?

bigbumbrunette Thu 03-Nov-16 07:28:12

I managed a couple of hours! I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me. I'm not sure how I'd go about getting an interim bill. My plan is to ask for his phone to run the numbers through his contact list myself. I think his reaction will say it all. I'll also tell him to think very carefully about how he responds as I know more than he realises. Being caught off guard has proven successful before sad

Hissy Thu 03-Nov-16 07:44:53

He gave you full access 2 years ago because he broke your trust.

You don't need to be in any way uncomfortable about checking.

HE caused that!

Thinking of you, stay strong

neonrainbow Thu 03-Nov-16 07:51:09

Even if he isn't doing anything the trust is gone. You can end it just because you're unhappy.

bigbumbrunette Thu 03-Nov-16 08:12:32

I agree. The trouble is that before this last couple of weeks I wasn't unhappy. I've had the access to accounts but not had reason to use it. Things were going so well.
But then, he love bombed me when we first met too.

Humblebee1 Thu 03-Nov-16 10:39:41

Do you think you can be happy without him, once you get on your feet. If you can leave and take control of your own life will you be happier? Its so difficult accepting that you invested so much of yourself on an arsehole. You were brave to give him a chance and now, if he's cheating you have to be brave again and give yourself a chance of happiness that doesn't depend on someone who let's you and brings you down. Stay strong.

bigbumbrunette Thu 03-Nov-16 11:15:19

Yes I know I can be happy on my own. I've been a single parent before and survived, I'm just struggling to come to terms with the fact I've brought (in good faith) another child into a broken family. Once I get everything straight I know I'll be more than ok. Thank you for listening

Humblebee1 Thu 03-Nov-16 11:53:51

BBB I feel your pain. The children are very lucky they have you though. Just give your kids all your love and they will help you through. I understand the feeling of wanting to protect your kids from this. But we can't control the other parent. We can just try to give our know kids the most love and attention we can. Hugs.

skilledintheartofnothing Thu 03-Nov-16 15:19:15

Not much to add, but just wanted to say stay strong OP

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now