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Introducing DC to new man.... Your thoughts please!

(31 Posts)
Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 18:58:51

Hello wise & wonderful ones
I've changed my user name for this.
Nutshell: single parent to 4 year old DD. Her dad and my last relationship of a year both very EA.
Last relationship I introduced her to my partner after 7 months. Took everyone's advice to not rush. He had a child too. We all hung out at a party then hung out progressively more. At the time, my DDs dad was having her overnight more & now he hardly ever does.
I have met a guy. Known him a month. This feels different. Special. (I know, I know... It's only been a month! I don't know him. But I have this gut feeling I haven't mentioned to anyone in RL... Might be wrong but he's great.
Turns out he lives 5 mins away, we have friends in common, he frequents places we go to etc.
DD got on well with previous partner but when we split up, she never asked to see him/why she hasn't seen him/said she missed him etc etc.
I rarely go out, I have no family nearby... I want to get to know this guy & feel like waiting 7 months is going to be tricky & almost feeling like it's going to be stressful avoiding places we all go/not speaking to him in public with DD.... For the next 6 months.... If things go how I think they might (I'm not disillusioned I promise! Just positive!)
Anyone introduced DC & new partner early on & it's all been cool? What if I just introduced him as 'D' - at 4, she doesn't even understand what a boyfriend is! Or should I just stick it out for the next 6 months?

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:04:11

PS not thinking of right now btw.... Maybe in a month or two if things carry on being great....

Allnewtome73 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:14:18

Personally I think you should be wary after a month.

idontlikealdi Wed 02-Nov-16 19:15:21

I would wait a while, quite a long while .

DoubleCarrick Wed 02-Nov-16 19:16:57

I don't have kids yet but couldn't he just be a friend? I have male friends and if I meet a new male friend my baby will be introduced to them as and when

jules179 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:20:26

I would agree with being very wary and careful. Its fine if things go well, but you couldn't possibly know that at this point.

Myusernameismyusername Wed 02-Nov-16 19:21:05

I don't have eve a good story for you I am afraid. When I was younger years ago I did it quite quickly and worse still I had known him for over 10 years as a friend first although we had lost touch. It didn't work out for a variety of reasons mostly that he is a manipulative bastard and I just couldn't see the bad signs until it was all a little too late. Mine were similar age to yours. They were very upset at having him around when we saw his true colours and obviously I got rid of him but it was quite traumatic and I wish I had waited. He was around way too much in our house
The other time I introduced was far less traumatic because it was so casual and he had kids. When it didn't work out it didn't matter as we had only met up in a neutral place a few times so they didn't miss him.
I wouldn't even have someone over when child asleep until I knew them better and trusted them properly - you are more vulnerable, and so is DD so I would wait longer and be very sure of what kind of person he is

TheNaze73 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:25:57

I wouldn't have done it after 7 months, let alone 1

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:26:26

Thanks for your posts!
When I was with my ex, he was over one night & cooking dinner & DD suddenly started throwing up & was ill. They hadn't met yet. It was awful not being able to just bring her downstairs & to have an extra pair of hands to help - ran around between the two, asked him to leave, he got stroppy, if there had just been any kind of introduction perhaps she'd just think I had a friend over ...
i'm wanting to avoid any future tricky situations. Above all I just want my daughter to be happy ..... Arghhhh!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 19:27:54

No way! Wouldn't have done it at 7 months either let alone 1.

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:29:45

Not saying now! But poss in a month or two... But please keep the posts rollin' because I am probably being stupid & need to be told

PoldarksBreeches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:29:52

Are you crazy? Yes you should wait fgs

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 19:30:08

In the case of your dd throwing up,your ex should've just left and caught up with you another night. Your dd needed you.

Myusernameismyusername Wed 02-Nov-16 19:33:25

I know it's hard I think it's an issue for most single parents. My kids are a lot older now so I am not sure where they stand with it, less likely to get emotionally attached to someone now (as older so more likely to just say hi then go to their rooms to do their own thing and less interaction as teens do anyway!) whereas when mine were little they wanted to play with the new person I had brought round. But then they went to bed at 7 and went straight to sleep, and now it's 9.30, and they don't sleep easily if I have friends over so I would feel quite uncomfortable. It's actually easier to get round little children with new people they are more trusting - older kids are more likely to take an instant dislike to someone just 'cos'

So you aren't alone with wondering what's best but you really should know this person better. My ex years ago was very good at being charming and saying all the right things but 9 months in was cheating, lying and stealing money from me. And I didn't see it coming

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:36:59

I think given that your last relationship didn't last and was emotionally abusive you should err on the side of caution and wait. She's only 4 and if you introduce her, they get along etc and then you split after a few months it's going to be confusing for her. I'm a single parent also, been on my own with DS since he was 3 months old (he'll be 2 in a few weeks) and wouldn't even consider introducing a man to my son unless I knew him inside out , was sure that he was a good guy and felt that we could make it work long term. And you can't know that after a month.

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:38:27

Thanks myusername
And sorry you had to go through that. Sounds awful.
Yes, 2-3 months is defo too soon. You're all right.
So if / when I run into him with DD (which we inevitably will) Do I introduce him as a 'friend' ? What do people think?

Myusernameismyusername Wed 02-Nov-16 19:40:57

Friend is fine. Just don't too too much running into him as friends on purpose to try see how they get on, slippery slope.

I would look into asking other parents you know about reliable babysitters. It's worth using one or a reputable company who supply babysitters or asking a friend, and paying some money to do that now and again than feeling like you are trapped and can't go out or do anything. I don't mean every weekend but you know, now and then. You then won't feel you have to push things forward too fast

angryangryyoungwoman Wed 02-Nov-16 19:42:03

It's only a month, don't rush....

WannaBe Wed 02-Nov-16 19:44:07

Placemarking to come back later

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 19:44:38

Just say hello this is x,no mummy's friend or anything,just say hello as you would with anyone else you know. Seriously, slow down, it's been a month.

GeorgeTheThird Wed 02-Nov-16 19:44:59

She's four and this is the third man in her life? Slow down and start to use a babysitter while you get to know whether this one is any good. You sound way too starry eyed at the moment.

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:45:39

Oh won't be 'bumping into him on purpose'
No way
We have things & people in common in a small town , that's all smile

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:47:24

She's four and this is the third man in her life?
Yes. Me & her dad separated when she was a year old. She first remember us being together.

Millonsofpeaches Wed 02-Nov-16 19:48:01

Oops-she CAN'T remember us being together

Myusernameismyusername Wed 02-Nov-16 19:49:18

Kids are clever. Mine fully know I am dating someone even though I had not told them.
Oh shaving your legs again mum?
Lots of texts?
FLOWERS??!
I know they are older but they aren't silly

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