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Where do I stand?

(6 Posts)
Msqueen33 Wed 02-Nov-16 18:04:33

I've been with dh ten years now. We have 3 DC two of whom have severe Sen. Because of this I stopped work when middle DC was little as DC was unable to cope with nursery for long periods. My dh has been the breadwinner.

The problem being is he doesn't seem to understand the stress I'm under. He feels his job is his contribution. He doesn't take a huge interest in the kids education, meetings or much else. He does the odd bit of washing up and hoovering when home but feels this is amazing and it's almost like he feels he deserves a medal.

The crunch is I'm not happy. He's either out doing his hobby or at home on his phone. He does long ish hours so I do all the bits with the kids as he's not home till gone eight. I understand his job is important and do try not to moan though it takes me over two hours to get the kids into bed.

But on a relationship level I'm not sure it's working. But financially I'm not sure where I stand. House has a mortgage and is jointly owned. If we were to split what would happen to the house. Kids are near School, town is expensive and even a smaller house would be more expensive than our current one. I'm not able to work at the moment as youngest isn't in school, cannot go to nursery for prolonged periods and middle DC wouldn't cope with afterschool care.

Basically what I'm after is if we leave would I be financially screwed?!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Nov-16 18:49:38

No you wouldn't be screwed. You need to go see a solicitor to find out the facts that apply in your case. In all likelihood, you would stay in the house until the youngest is 18.

artiface Wed 02-Nov-16 19:26:41

Only you know how you feel, but even if his vacuuming and washing up is only occasional at least he does a bit - not likely if you split...
have you tried Relate to have a chance to talk in a neutral space?

jules179 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:38:21

I know someone who separated within his marriage and him and his ex-wife rented a small flat nearby and stayed alternately in the house and flat depending if they were with the children or not (it was a 50/50 care arrangement). It meant that the children didn't have to move between houses, the adults did.

Not sure if something like that could work for you?

crayfish Wed 02-Nov-16 19:46:19

It sounds like you think a split would make your life easier/less frustrating rather than that you just don't love him. If the relationship isn't working but you still love him then try and think what would make it work. Him doing shorter hours? A ban on phone calls in the evenings? More hoovering/washing up stuff from him? More support with the kids? What is it?

Could you write a wish list and sit down with him and jointly decide what is reasonable and doable. Don't do an ultimatum but do let him know that things have to improve now or your relationship will be in serious trouble.

Msqueen33 Wed 02-Nov-16 19:53:34

Artiface that's the tip of the iceberg. I'm grateful he does that at the weekends and I don't expect much in the week as he's working but I suppose it's more the gesture. Cleaning the small bathroom occasionally. I suffer with cuts and skin rashes. Like I say I don't expect him to do it all.

It's more about his lack of support and how he seems to prioritise his needs over his family's. Two of our children struggle in an area he's very good with. He makes no effort to teach them. Sometimes I feel like he can't be bothered. I get that he works hard but it's like he just doesn't enjoy being with us. I know there are men who are a lot worse. He's not abusive as such not does he hit me or control me financially but some of his ways make me unhappy. I'm not sure though how I feel about breaking up a marriage when two Sen kids are involved. Maybe relate is an option. Problem is he doesn't feel he does anything wrong then minimises how I feel an for I wonder if I'm just being silly. He often says theres a lot he doesn't like about me but when I ask what he doesn't engage at all. Aside from struggling to get the kids into bed sometimes I'm glad he's not here which I know isn't a good thing.

He and my mother don't get on which is very difficult. The main problem is he doesn't get the demands on me as a carer to two Sen kids and he doesn't pitch in as much as I feel he should. Apparently he can't do anything right which being as he does nothing is odd. He's not a bad person but quite immature, doesn't want to do a lot that doesn't involve his hobby and doesn't pitch in that much if anything it's gotten worse.

I'll look into seeing a solicitor. Our mortgage costs half the rent of the places locally. I could stay at my parents if he ever wanted to stay with the kids. I'm also petrified of the unknown. If we split the little help he does give would be gone and he'd probably have quite a nice life doing exactly what he wanted all the time and I'd be completely left to parent and honestly he'd probably be a complete arsehole about things.

Is good to know i would likely be able to stay in the house though.

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