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Need someone to tell me what to do

(43 Posts)
midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 16:52:23

So DH has a condition and has had it for 5 years during that time I've taken on two jobs as he had to stop working and he is a SAHD (our youngest is 8).

I'm very confused as to whether to continue this relationship anymore as he is bloody horrible a lot of the time. He had a temper before he got ill too but don't know if I'm just getting wise to it all.

For his condition he has a lot of procedures which involve day surgery tomorrow he is having quite a big one - I have taken time off work to take over while he is incapacitated.

He's just an arse tbh I can't even be bothered to write down what he does as I already know what you will say I'm just muddled up because idk if it's his illness or if he's just an idiot, I've never been in another relationship but i do know that his parents were very volatile.

Basically before anything "big" happens such as his op tomorrow he will deliberately cause a row so he's just been screaming at me telling me not to act hard done to because I'd done a few loads of washing today and I just sit there like wtf where did this come from and he will just rant about stupid shit such as him having a blocked ear for two days and I don't give a crap hmm we've all had colds my youngest has an absolutely terrible one right now.

He's ranting at me now over towels - we need new ones and he's saying he's not taking our shitty ones to hospital confused he spends a lot of money on his own hobby every week (averaging 50.00) if I moan I get shouted down by people who say it's his only enjoyment since getting ill, yet he can't understand that if he didn't take 50.00 every week he could have as many bloody new towels as he wants.

I just don't know anymore he's done this as he knows I will panic tonight and tomorrow (he's having a GA) and he's telling me he will tell the nurses he doesn't want to see me so I will end up at some point tonight apologising before he goes.

MidsummersNight Wed 02-Nov-16 16:55:24

You know what you need to do. LTB.

ChuckGravestones Wed 02-Nov-16 16:56:20

I can't even be bothered to write down what he does as I already know what you will say I'm just muddled up because idk if it's his illness or if he's just an idiot, I've never been in another relationship but i do know that his parents were very volatile

I doubt it. From the little that you wrote he sounds like an emotional abuser.

If he says not to go see him, then don't. Spend the time working out how to get out of this relationship.

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 16:58:42

It happens before anything - Easter that has just gone I was going round the living room at 11pm sobbing while trying to set out an Easter egg hunt for the dc as he was telling me what a shit mum I was.

He started this big thing where all the cousins come to ours Xmas eve day and then the adults turn up at about 4 and they all go at 7 it's noisy and chaotic but all the kids love it and now he's already moaning about and saying he might cancel it this year, knowing full well he won't he will just put it in our heads.

ToujeoQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 16:59:23

He sounds a right shit. Ltb.

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 17:03:18

I know I need to.
He's gone NC with his own mum for his shit childhood but he can't see his own bad behaviour.

I've felt myself changing this past year especially I won't put up with it anymore, I've been worried people will think I'm a right bitch for leaving an ill man but I just can't go on anymore with all these games I just want a quiet life with my kids.

Mix56 Wed 02-Nov-16 17:06:18


TempusEedjit Wed 02-Nov-16 17:13:47

Sounds awful for you.

Be aware though that as he is SAHD he would likely be resident parent of your DC if he wanted to be. Have you had legal advice?

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 17:13:52

I want to text my sister but if I do there's no going back.

LizzieMacQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 17:13:57

Who would get custody of your children if you were to leave him? If he is the primary caregiver I mean, I read on here that that would carry weight if it comes to divorce.

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 17:16:26

That's what is scaring me from doing it.
He would probably do this to spite me too.

I work 5 hours a day 2 in afternoon and 3 in evening. Mon-fri.

Lweji Wed 02-Nov-16 17:16:41

What is he like with the children?

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 17:18:04

Most of the time ok, he's snappy and is a grumpy sod first thing.

OnlyEatsToast Wed 02-Nov-16 17:20:21

Sounds like you've already decided tbh. Why waste your life being unhappy?

OnlyEatsToast Wed 02-Nov-16 17:21:51

Does his illness affect how he looks after the children - e.g. Is he physically/mentally able to be their primary carer?

kissmethere Wed 02-Nov-16 17:23:16

I'm telling you what to do. End it. He sounds awful. Whatever his illness is he's treating you like utter crap and your situation just sounds miserable. How does your dc feel in this environment? Consider that as well. Honestly prepare to get out of this relationship.

Mix56 Wed 02-Nov-16 17:29:59

How old are the children ? (the youngest is 8)
(Children can decide who they want to live with after the age of 12 where I live)
Who is the parent you think they would choose ? Often if threatened with being up rooted they choose the parent staying in the family home to be able to keep same friends, environment etc.
Who's house is it? joint, his, yours ? he must get a disability allowance ?
Are you eligible for legal aid ?

Lweji Wed 02-Nov-16 17:30:39

In case of separation, you can apply for 50-50 care, should he push for residency. I don't see why you couldn't be given it if you ask, because that should be the starting point.

Lweji Wed 02-Nov-16 17:31:39

And in relation to hospital, I'd be telling him that I wouldn't visit if he continued to behave like this.

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 17:32:18

I'm sat on the door step waiting for my brother

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 02-Nov-16 17:47:49

His illness doesn't give him a free pass to abuse anyone op flowers

kissmethere Wed 02-Nov-16 18:26:01

Wow what's happened op? Be strong.

artiface Wed 02-Nov-16 19:30:04

Could it be a type of depression? Not that that makes it in any way okay. It sounds as though he can't deal with things being unpredictable or changing
Maybe look up 'intermittent explosive disorder'

midnightanna Wed 02-Nov-16 20:32:44

Feel awful had a massive row my sister in law came up.
I ended up looking unhinged he stayed calm and just twisted everything I said and was saying things didn't happen the way I said they did.
I feel like screaming in frustration I'm trapped.
When sil went to shop he was saying "wait until all those nurses are around me and I tell them i need help, wait for shitstorm to hit you then"

I literary don't know what to do.
I know he will fuck me over if I leave.

literallytotally Wed 02-Nov-16 20:37:49

You need to stay strong. He is being emotionally abusive to you right now.

This is not a marriage you want to be in.

Tell him it is over.

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