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Moving back home/husband not wanting to advice.

(12 Posts)
Hanginginthebalance Wed 02-Nov-16 16:35:49

Hi there,

I previously wrote a thread about my current situation with my H. The vast majority of replies said to leave and I have taken everything on board and spoke to Women's Aid etc. Part of me wants to make it work for the sake of my daughter and give him a try at being a good husband/dad. Although the sex side of things makes me recoil!

I've lived here for 5 years. 2 hours away from friends and family? Since having my 20month old DD I miss them terribly and would do anything to be back near them.
My DD would grow up with her cousins, her grandparents, a safer pretty place to be. Up here the only ties H has is his mum. She moved closer a few years ago to be nearer him. Without sounding crass, she isn't short of a few pence so if she wanted to come with us, she is in a position to do so.
Work is commutable for H albeit a bit more prices but then the cost of living back near my folks is also a lot cheaper.
I do not want to live up here and bring my daughter up here and I certainly do not want to bring up a second child (should I ever have sex with H again!) up here. I want them to have a lovely close happy family upbringing.

We've had these conversations before and H always comes up with excuses such as he will be tired, he can't leave his mum/friends etc. He sees his friends once every 6 weeks anyway!
I know he is the breadwinner so I probably don't get a say in anything. If I worked full time then I guess I could have more of a say. I'm incredibly isolated and in the years I've lived here I've not made any friends. And it's not for want of trying.

I'm going to bring it up again this eve but I know he will say no. AIBU? Should I just suck it up and accept that this is the life I chose?

Thank you in advance

Hanginginthebalance Wed 02-Nov-16 18:20:21

Well that conversation lashes all of about 1 minute.

"No I don't want to move to XYZ. It'll be to expensive to commute and many other reasons"

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 02-Nov-16 18:27:21

Not surprising. He is still a dick. He is still a bad husband and a bad father. You still need to LTB.

No, you should not suck it up.

Yes, you must accept that you chose this life in the past.

But, you must also accept that you can choose to not have this life in the future.

Move back to be with the people who love and support you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 02-Nov-16 18:35:51

Do not suck it up. Do you also want to be the architect of your own destruction here?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you still there?. Its very hard to leave but staying within this is really a slow death for you and your child.

What did you also learn about relationships when growing up?.

If you are staying for your DD then it is not a good enough reason to stay; there is no good reason to stay now any longer with your abuser of a husband. She needs to be taught positive and life affirming lessons about relationships; the fact that the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none. You are showing her otherwise.

You need to move back and away from this man before he destroys you and your child from the inside out.

bloodyteenagers Wed 02-Nov-16 18:42:12

Well let him stay where he is.
The relationship is over. If lots of have advised you to ltb it won't be for nothing.
If you've contacted Womans aid, it really won't be for nothing.
If he gave a fuck he would say ok, lets do it on a trial of 6/12 months. You know like an adult.
You shouldn't be deemed as a lesser person because you don't work full time.

Why stay in a loveless toxic relationship? Honestly you aren't doing your child any favours by staying. You deserve happiness and you aren't getting any, and in turn your child will be sensing this

Hanginginthebalance Wed 02-Nov-16 20:34:48

runrabbit Thank you for your advice 😊 It's so hard to not think otherwise.

attila Thank you. I don't want to be, no.
I get some financial security out of it (I don't mean that in an awful way just a factual way. By no means am I a money grabber!) I'm still here because since we had a big talk he's been 100% on good form so it's making it hard to do anything about it.
Growing up my mum and Dad split when I was 16. But for the last 6 years of it, all she talked about was leaving my dad. It took her all that time to leave him.
What if he has changed?

bloodyteenagers that's all I wished he'd have said (trial for 6-12 months). We wouldn't have anything to lose!
He does love me I know that in his weird way. There's just no room for compromise. 😒

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 02-Nov-16 21:14:36


Abusers are not nasty all of the time; if they were no-one would want to be with them. What he is doing at the moment is being nice but the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. He will revert to type soon enough because he cannot keep up the nice act; its a mask you are seeing currently.

Re your comment:-

"Growing up my mum and Dad split when I was 16. But for the last 6 years of it, all she talked about was leaving my dad. It took her all that time to leave him.
What if he has changed?"

And what if he has not?. Your dad never changed and your mother spent/wasted 6 more years (and your formative years at that) with him. They both taught you a lot of damaging stuff about relationships and you are simply repeating what they did.

What has your H really shown you here in terms of any change?. I will tell you that answer; nothing. Talk is cheap, its actions you want to look at and he will never budge. All he cares about is his own self.

It also sounds like history is repeating itself here with you this time in your mother's role.

He does not love you; he loves the fact that you are still around to control and manipulate. Power and control is the name of the game here and its all his.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship like yours is going forward?. DO not do your bit here to show her that this is at all acceptable.

Atenco Wed 02-Nov-16 21:48:05

Growing up my mum and Dad split when I was 16

I haven't read your other threads, but I understand that you have had very serious reasons to want out of this relationship. I just wanted to say that teenagers are particularly hard hit by their parents splitting up, small children not so much.

My father left when I was four and I have no memory of him living with us. My only regret about not having a father around was that I had nobody I could play my mother off against to get my own way.

This is your life and you only get one.

DonaldTrumpsWig Mon 07-Nov-16 00:32:15

Tell him it's you and your child or his mum and his friends. Simple choice. If he chooses them, move back to where you want to be and let him live with the consequences.

Leanback Mon 07-Nov-16 00:36:05

My parents 'stayed together for the kids' then finally split when I was 18.

My life would have been much better if they'd split when the marriage was done. I wasn't stupid, I could see and hear how little love was there and I carried it on my shoulders for a long time.

Your daughter will be happier if you leave.

Happybunny19 Mon 07-Nov-16 11:59:32

Why on earth do you mention having more dcs with a man you recoil from in bed? You don't seem at all happy in your marriage and need to either commit to working on your marriage or separating, not extending your family with someone you don't seem to like. If you can't agree on the basics like where you live and neither of you can compromise then separation is your only option.

furryminkymoo Mon 07-Nov-16 13:09:49

Just read the other thread, what's the point of staying with man?

Tell him that you are moving back home,.

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