Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Cheating lying OH?

(53 Posts)
midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 00:43:36

I'm pretty sure what this points to but I would like reassurance I'm not going crazy as this is an EA relationship and many times in the past he has gaslighted and made me doubt myself.
I will be leaving his lying arse, just need to get a few things in place first before I confront him and leave.

We have been together two years now. As I don't trust him one bit I had a look on his FB to see he had blocked a woman 8 days after my son was born in June this year. I thought that was odd so unblocked her to see if she would message him. A week later they are now messaging! So the conversation was just innocent to begin with, talking about her working night shifts for the past 6 months. He said I bet your fella isn't happy with you working nights. She replied not really. He then replied "is this the guy you were with when we used to bang lol" she replied yea. He deleted a message to quickly for me to read but the next thing said by her was "yep it's awkward atm" to which he replied "*maybe we should meet up lol"* either she hasn't replied or they are now texting not sure.
Someone please tell me I'm not going crazy and by the sounds of it they have been sleeping together while we were together??? Why block a woman in June this year if there was nothing going on. I doubt they were banging more than two years ago otherwise he would have deleted/blocked her sooner.

I want to get this straight in my mind so he can't gaslight me once again. I hate this man so much now. Me and my son will be so much happier without him!!!

badabing36 Wed 02-Nov-16 00:56:16

Seems like you've got it dead on to me. Sorry op.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 02-Nov-16 01:06:07

Are you married to this lying arse? If not, what will you need to get in place in order to leave him?

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 01:19:16

No I'm not but I need to sort out housing as we are on a joint tenancy and I won't be able to afford to stay in the house on my own as I'm on MAT leave atm. Just need to make sure we will have a roof over mine and LB first.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Wed 02-Nov-16 02:07:33

Maybe you should ask him rather than hacking Facebook and jumping to conclusions (all be it they might be the right ones)

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 02:25:24

User I've done this in the past. He denies everything every time and gaslights me to doubt my own judgement. That's why I'm asking people to confirm this so he can't do it again. This EA has worn me down but I finally can see what is happening and need to leave

MiMiMaguire Wed 02-Nov-16 02:30:41

How can you tell when she was blocked on fb ? He must have found it weird she was suddenly unblocked & messaging him..

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 02:37:14

On the FB instant messenger app it tells you what date they were blocked. Other random woman have been blocked over the time we have been together. I just unblocked the most recent. He hasn't said anything or questioned it

Marilynsbigsister Wed 02-Nov-16 02:42:25

OP, how well did you actually know your DP before having a child with him ? Seems like you may have been a bit hasty in starting a family before you could really know the content of his Character.

2 yrs is an awfully short time in which to already have a 4/5 month old together. and already to be saying 'many times in the past he had gaslighted me and made me doubt myself' as well as ' As I don't trust him one bit I looked on his FB.' These comments don't leave much time for the relationship to have ever been a healthy one in which to bring up a child.
You will find it much easier on your own once you have left such a negative environment.

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 02:54:04

I thought I knew him well turns out I don't. Our LB wasn't planned so decided to keep him and be a family.
In the beginning OH was very charming and kind. Made me feel very happy and I trusted him fully. The EA has only got worse since we have had our son. I've spoken to women's aid and she said it's one of the worst cases of gaslighting she's heard. You don't realise he's done it until you tell someone else the situation. I'm feeling a bit judged. Being in an EA relationship isn't a straight forward thing.

MiMiMaguire Wed 02-Nov-16 03:34:47

Could it be possible he knew her from before when you met ?

MiMiMaguire Wed 02-Nov-16 03:37:11

Either way, you say he's EA, and this feeling worried about whether he's cheating on you is no way to live. Do you see yourself with him in 10/20/30 years ? Having more kids ? If the answer is no then waste no more time and end the relationship now so you can open yourself up to an alternative future

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 04:02:58

It could be possible. Just think it's odd he would block her in June. If something happened between them before we met then why block her.

I 100% know I don't want to be with him.

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 04:03:22

It could be possible. Just think it's odd he would block her in June. If something happened between them before we met then why block her.

I 100% know I don't want to be with him.

badabing36 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:12:36

Yeah I agree, you already have enough reasons to leave him without this. You're situation sounds really tough. Hopefully women's aid and some wise mnetters can help you out.

Bluntness100 Wed 02-Nov-16 07:18:15

Can I ask, if uou know you don't want to be with him, and he is EA, then why does it matter who he is messaging and why? Why are you emotionally investing in this? Just get yourself sorted and move on.

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 08:21:49

I just wanted to get clear in my head what I thought from the reassurance of others. Bad it is a very tough situation and I am scared about doing it all alone as I have PND too but it's what's best for us.

TheNaze73 Wed 02-Nov-16 08:25:49

OP, you need to do something for your own sanity. After only 2 years, you should be dating & enjoying life, not putting up with this shit. You deserve far more.
I think CAB needs to be your first port of call. Good luck

hellsbellsmelons Wed 02-Nov-16 08:40:13

I understand the need to have a good 'reason' to give him for leaving.
But you really don't need one.
The fact you hate him and don't want to be with him are quite enough without all the emotional abuse alongside it.
I wouldn't focus or worry about OW on FB.
Just get yourself away as soon as you can and get your sanity back.
Being in the environment you are will be exacerbating your PND.
Good luck getting away.
Keep in touch with WA to get away cleanly and safely.
You are doing totally the right thing for you and your DS.

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 09:00:21

Sorry if I'm being very thick but what's CAB?

Hellsbells I guess I am trying to look for a solid reason which I don't need. Doesn't help when I have my mum in my ear saying I need evidence so I don't look the bad guy. I did actually split with him last week but our LB got rushed to hospital and was in for 3 days so all got left to one side. I know I can do it just need to follow it through

AgathaF Wed 02-Nov-16 09:14:45

You already have good reasons to leave without all of this. Those reasons are that he emotionally abusive to you, he will probably be the same to your child in the futre. You don't trust him. You are not happy. It is not a relationship that is going anywhere good.

Get your housing sorted ASAP and just separate. You don't need any further validation.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 02-Nov-16 09:15:04

Your DM advice is not good.
You do not need 'evidence'. It's not a court of law.
You are not a police officer or a private detective. She is wrong!!
It's YOUR life and your are living it with abuse.
No amount of abuse is OK. NONE!!
If you were my DD I would be doing everything I could to just get you away.
She may well be the reason you are currently in the 'abuse cycle'
EA is illegal now!
He is EA so this is all the evidence you need.
WA have told you it's EA so you have your out without the need for anything else.
Make sure you do the Freedom Programme once you are out to avoid these abusive arseholes in the future. It's run by WA so when you next speak to them ask them about it.

CAB - Citizens Advice Bureau
They can help you with all sorts of things from benefits, housing, rights, finances, local support services.

Bubblegum18 Wed 02-Nov-16 09:17:47

Op you sound like me my ex did this and I had pregnant quickly and gave the relationship ago, he too was EA and a cheat. Get out while you can.

midnightmuma Wed 02-Nov-16 09:27:57

Agatha I am very worried about him EA my son when he's older. I don't want my son feeling like he has to prove himself to his dad to get love. I don't know what to do to stop this from happening though.

Hellsbells she hasn't been that supportive when I told her about the abuse. I just got well me and my dad did say he was no good and we didn't like him. Like what I'm going through is a punishment because I didn't listen to them sad she's also said she wants to stay out of it until he gets nasty! I said he's been nasty for ages. Her and my dad have a great marriage I don't think they get it.

Thanks bubblegum I'm trying to. Hopefully this time I'm strong enough to follow it all through

WingsofNylon Wed 02-Nov-16 09:53:01

Your DM isn't being any help here. I am glad you are that she doesn't undrrstand. You don't need evidence and you don't need to justify your choices to her or your father.
You can do this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now