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How do you know if you're still in love? :-(

(15 Posts)
Zippidydoodah Tue 01-Nov-16 18:22:50

Will try and keep this brief:
Been with dp 11 years. Not married. 3 kids.
I don't like the way he talks to and deals with the kids sometimes. Is it normal behaviour for a man to reduce himself to the age of the child?! 5 year old hit him, and dp told him not to hit....by hitting him back and throwing pillows at him 😢
He undermines me.
He doesn't do anything much around the house.
He works incredibly hard to support us, and is very loving and generous.
He is not getting enough sex (he has a much higher sex drive than I do, but I don't feel like having sex with him when I'm having to scrub his shit stains off the loo and put up with him groping me all the bloody time).
I just don't know what to do. He's currently miserable and quiet (refused the dinner I made for him and the chip shop chips I just bought him when I popped out- normally he'd love to eat them) and I'm pretty sure he knows something is up with us and is worried/unhappy about it.
Any words of advice please? 😔

HummusForBreakfast Tue 01-Nov-16 18:26:49

In love or not, it sounds like he needs to put his acts together TBH.
Does he know how unhappy you are with the whole situation?

Crystal15 Tue 01-Nov-16 18:30:04

It ebbs and flows. For me it's knowing I couldn't bare to ever be without DH. He does annoy me at times, we all have limits don't we. I think if you fantasise about other men and life without them, have a dislike for them that isn't outweighed by their best points etc.

Zippidydoodah Tue 01-Nov-16 18:36:14

Oh I just don't know. I feel at the moment that it wouldn't make a huge amount of difference if I was with him or not! 😢😢
But I wonder if much of this is a normal reaction- we've been together ages, life is busy, house is a mess etc etc. Will it settle down as kids get older? I'm guessing not?!
I think he'd agree that something needs to change if we are going to stay together.
Oh, and ps- he's currently asleep on sofa (thus bypassing bath and bed routine) because he was up half the night watching fucking American football. 😡😡
(Now I'm worried I've outed myself...please nobody say anything if you know me!)

Myusernameismyusername Tue 01-Nov-16 18:38:17

The problem is he is a really crappy husband so I don't see how you can really get the love back when he behaves like a teenage boy
He doesn't sound very nice. Your only redeeming feature of him is that he has a job

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 01-Nov-16 18:41:52

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you within this because it sounds awful for your children as well.

What do you want to teach them about relationships here?. Would you want them to replicate similar as adults?.

How can you at all describe him as both loving and generous given that what you have written about him suggests otherwise?. This man only loves his own self and getting his sexual needs met at your expense. He has all the power and control in this relationship and he has managed to totally undermine you. Groping you as well is not a loving action is it?.

I would be talking to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances on 0808 2000 247.

pullingmyhairout1 Tue 01-Nov-16 18:46:16

I think you need to talk to him tbh. Yes he sounds like an arris to us from what we have in your post but we don't live with him day in day out. Tell him how you feel, maybe he feels the same and wants to fix it. If he doesn't, well he knows where the door is.

Zippidydoodah Tue 01-Nov-16 18:48:47

Thank you for your replies! I've been absolutely desperate to talk to someone about this but just don't know who I can talk to in real life flowers

I think talking is the first step.

Zippidydoodah Tue 01-Nov-16 18:49:04

That is, if I can get him to listen.....

Myusernameismyusername Tue 01-Nov-16 18:52:46

I think you need to begin with talking to him about what he thinks.
See if he wants to hear what you have to say.
I would say that it probably won't be helpful to go in too hard with an all over attack but I think how he speaks to the kids, no help around the house, sulking and unwanted groping should be a good start

gillybeanz Tue 01-Nov-16 18:59:04

I think you need to talk to him and tell him what you expect, although 11 years is quite long to not have the toilet conversation.
You need to work out what things he can do something about and what else is just him, and take it from there.
It isn't a normal reaction to being together for 11 years, it's normal when you have let resentment build up rather than tackling each incident as it crops up.
From what you say, I wouldn't be happy with a man like this. When did you realise what he was like?

velourvoyageur Tue 01-Nov-16 19:25:05

He hit your child? In what way?
If he's an adult who hit a kid in anything other than a jokey way, that's an issue.

Zippidydoodah Tue 01-Nov-16 20:31:57

Wrt the toilet issue. I tell him. He grumbles and says he'll do it "later". Sometimes he does it, sometimes he doesn't. He says he never checks- just puts lid down and flushes- and I say "check next time, please!" And so on. Every single time.

The hitting thing- wasn't a hard smack but still- how do you teach and expect a kid not to hit, if you hit them?!

skyfullofstars010708 Tue 01-Nov-16 21:18:43

Zippi I could have wrote this post myself. Bar a couple of minor details (not been together for quite as long as you have), the similarities are uncanny.
My P is very, very hardworking in his job, working lots of hours and bringing in a decent wage that supports us (I also work 4 days a week but on a lower salary owing to time off due to maternity, child with SN I haven't been able to commit enough time in the office to enable me to progress). P is also generous (while a bit irresponsible) with money and not in the least bit controlling.
However.
He is immature to the point that when he's home I often feel he's an additional child. We have had countless rows about housework because he does next to nothing, and the tasks I do ask him to do he does sloppily so I have more work later on (for example, hanging washing to dry all bunched up then falling asleep on the couch)
He is lax with hygiene and safety which could potentially impact on our child so I feel I have to 'hover' to ensure, for example, that he hasn't given our child cows milk to which he is allergic - seriously hmm
It's a thousand little things which are slowly killing any attraction for him. I'm deeply worried about it because I'm scared to make the jump to leave him, and ultimately be skint and have to hand over my lovely boy for P to look after him singlehandedly.
The preg was unplanned and I've in all honesty, tried to play happy families since but I'm drowning sad

So no advice as such but completely empathise

Dadaist Tue 01-Nov-16 22:33:46

Hi Zippydidoodah
Along with other posters, I think you both need to talk! I think what you have described would be familiar in many married with kids relationships. I'd just add a few things to keep in mind.
You are both hurting - and that will make it difficult to not feel provoked by one another, so take it slow, agree you need to talk, but don't let it descend into argument if you can help it.
You are both feeling unappreciated - that can lead to a vicious cycle - where you stop being kind to each other.
No one will have 'started' things - it's just grown over time and blame won't help.
He absolutely needs to see, feel and understand how let down and unsupported you feel, and how that affects your feelings for him.
He might need you to see that he feels unappreciated too, that he works hard and tries in different ways. That he feels unloved.
You both might need to learn to support each other. The loss of trust, kindness, affection, intimacy, all things are connected - and of course you feel different from the love you felt.
If you both want things to be better - you might be surprised how soon things can start to feel better.
If you find a path to fix things - be prepared for sliding, behaviour change takes time and backward and forward steps. Good luck!

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