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He doesn't actually like me does he?

(49 Posts)
MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 14:53:27

I've been texting someone for about three months who I 'met' online but haven't met him yet in person because my circumstances make it difficult (I separated from my partner earlier this year but for financial reasons haven't been able to move out yet). He says he's happy to wait. I really like him as far as it's possible to tell without having seen him in person but I feel he's been giving me mixed signals.

He's very sporadic about getting in touch - I would say it's about once a week, which is fair enough as we're not able to meet in person yet, but if I do text him I get a rather perfunctory message back maybe a day later. I asked him about this and he said it was because he's just started a new job and is doing very long (70 hour) weeks. I'm still not convinced it's that hard to send a pleasant message back though, it's not like I'm constantly messaging him.

Anyway we've strayed into sexting territory which I know is silly, but I am feeling a bit miffed as I messaged him on Wednesday and we had a bit of sexual chat but he kind of cut it short and I haven't heard from him since. So I feel a bit stupid really. He was off work last week so the long hours excuse doesn't work, and he may have actually been busy when I texted but I thought he'd get back to me later the same day and I'm actually offended he hasn't bothered to get in touch since. Is this normal dating behaviour? My judgment is a bit clouded because of the fact we haven't met up, I don't feel I should have any expectations but on the other hand this feels a bit rude, or at least definitely as if he doesn't like me that much. Should I just move on? Or should I not be taking it so seriously at this stage?

Bluntness100 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:58:21

I think it's a bit strong to decide someone you have never met doesn't like you based on the speed of their responses.

I'm unsure why you can't find time in three months to meet him. If you are separated, then the fact you sill share a house is irrelevant in terms of how you spend your time of what you do with your days.

I think uou need to arrange to meet him.

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:01:00

How can you have zero expectations of someone you've never met? Seems a bit harsh on him. If I was in his position, I'd be bored of waiting for something to happen. Maybe this has plateaued & he's moved on

SausageSoda Tue 01-Nov-16 15:01:04

Sorry but you're not dating as you haven't yet met him. So no, you shouldn't be taking it so seriously as this stage - he mightn't turn out anything that you imagine him to be if you do manage to meet.

What is actually stopping you from meeting? You say you're still living with your ex partner but it's not as if you would have a first date at your house.

Either arrange to meet very soon or knock dating on the head until you're in a position to meet them in real life.

SugarNspiceNallThingsNice Tue 01-Nov-16 15:01:25

This is how I met my husband 8 years ago.
He lived a few hours away then and worked long shifts most days but always rang or text on his breaks and before/after work.

Do you ever ask him why he doesn't get in touch very much? I would've thought that on his day off you could've had a decent amount of contact. Maybe he is weary of your circumstances, or is it possible there could be something he's not telling you?

category12 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:01:37

Three months is too long to spend texting someone. Meet 'em in two or three weeks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 01-Nov-16 15:03:48

OP... Are you quite sure that he isn't married/partnered? It's very odd to indulge in sexting somebody you've never met, in my opinion. It sounds very much like the behaviour of somebody who isn't free, wanting some excitement in their life and having a dabble with somebody else; vicarious almost.

What do you actually KNOW about him? I don't mean what he tells you but what you can actually check - or listen to your gut feeling on.

Bluntness100 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:05:40

>> It sounds very much like the behaviour of somebody who isn't free, wanting some excitement in their life and having a dabble with somebody else; vicarious almost.<<

But this is what it sounds like she's doing,,,,

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 15:15:03

I know, it's been ages and I haven't met him and it's stupid really. Maybe it's been in limbo for too long and he's lost interest. I do know he's not married (a bit of facebook stalking) but he doesn't tell me much about himself.

And the sexting is probably a bad idea too it's just that having ended a relationship where sex dwindled to twice in a year it's a bit tempting to get ahead of myself. I would meet up but between work and financial pressures, and a complicated situation with my parents I'm not in quite the right headspace.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about last Wednesday? Cutting things short and then not contacting me at all? I'm probably being too sensitive.

PocketWatchFob Tue 01-Nov-16 15:40:12

If you are doing internet dating seriously with a real aim of meeting someone, you need to move it to real life quickly.

A "first date" in OLD terms is really a date zero because you haven't met each other. So much of dating is looks, sexual chemistry, interaction chemistry and you don't get that via texting.

You can't form any view of whether someone likes you if you haven't met yet. At that stage it is just a "they tick a few/some/all of my theoretical boxes" exercise.

Also if you are serious about developing a relationship, lay off the early doors sexting. It gives the wrong impression and sets the wrong foundation for a relationship - plenty of men do OLD for no strings attached sex and you run the risk that they will think that is what you want too.

SausageSoda Tue 01-Nov-16 15:54:25

Does your ex-partner know that you've split up OP?

You said yourself that you're not in the right headspace. I'd leave things until you are and are in a position to meet up in RL. 3 months is a long time to text without meeting. If you're not showing any signs of wanting to meet I can't blame him for blowing hot and cold.

Bluntness100 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:57:15

I think he has more right to be miffed, it seems you are leading him on, with no clear intention to ever meet him. The dramas in uour life are excuses not to meet him, it's been three months for goodness sake.

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 15:58:33

Thanks. Maybe I need to forget it for a while then. I don't really feel ready to meet up, I also have some health issues that are affecting me and I don't think I'd feel confident enough. I joined a site briefly and deleted my profile for that reason, it was just this particular man seemed really interesting, and has been very understanding about waiting, possibly until the new year. Shall I just let him know that as this isn't the best time for me I don't want to keep him in limbo and suggest that we leave it for now? I could contact him again in the future I suppose but the messaging and not meeting is probably not sensible. He may well just be looking for sex, I had thought that there was more to it than that but his behaviour seems to indicate to me that he's either fed up with waiting and has lost interest or was never interested in more than a shag anyway. Am I wrong in thinking he has been rude though? I can't tell if my instincts are off or not at the moment. Should I just forget about this one? I'm thinking of just not bothering to reply anymore if he does get in touch, because his not texting me this time has upset me a bit and I can't be bothered with the worrying and analysing.

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 15:59:32

Sausage - yes. He does. Thanks for that hmm.

SausageSoda Tue 01-Nov-16 16:05:39

I think it was a reasonable enough question to ask so I'm unsure as to why you gave me a sneery face. I was struggling to understand why, in 3 months, you can't make time for a coffee with a potential date if you really wanted to. Your latest post re: confidence issues has helped explain that and also explains why you're willing to sext a man you haven't yet met. Work on your self-esteem a bit before entering the world of OLD as you do need a thick skin for it.

FerretFred Tue 01-Nov-16 16:06:14

Perhaps if your chats are only of a sexual nature and possibly photos then he might be getting his jollies off and that's it.

Either that or his wife keeps coming home unexpectedly!

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 16:10:14

Thanks sausage, that's fair enough. I don't agree the question was reasonable though because I'd said in my first post that I have split with my partner earlier this year so it rather suggests that I might be lying. I'm not a total twat and I wouldn't 'not tell' someone we'd split up or pointlessly lie about it online.

ruddynorah Tue 01-Nov-16 16:12:09

You're just texting once a week or do? That's really nothing. In three months he may have been on quite a few dates with other people. With OLD it's very normal and acceptable to chat to a few people at the same time, and maybe meet a few people too before settling on the one you like best.

I think you need to wait til you're ready for this, and chat to more people, don't get your hopes on just one.

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 16:19:00

You're right ruddynorah. I'm overinvesting in this. Once a week texting is nothing, it's just that he's so lovely at times and we have a lot in common, I just found myself liking him more and more but unfortunately the timing sucks. I think I'm going to have to let this one go, my life is too complicated and I'm feeling too vulnerable at the moment to let it go any further.

category12 Tue 01-Nov-16 16:36:28

Yeah, unfortunately if you spin it out for a long time, it is likely to get built up in your head, and if there is no chemistry when you actually do meet, it's worse. Nothing wrong with having a penpal as such, but important not to get overly invested in it beyond friendship.

When you are ready to date, meet them fairly quickly to get over the hump of 'oh no what do I look like' cos nobody is going to wait while you get yourself perfect (cos we never are) and if they like you, they like you. And not so much invested if not. And it goes both ways - he might be unattractive in person.

BlueFolly Tue 01-Nov-16 16:38:00

I'd wonder what was wrong with him that would mean he was happy to wait till the new year to meet up.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 01-Nov-16 16:38:59

I think when people are unhappy and lonely these thing are easily done. I hope you find happiness in the future, when the time is right, with someone that appreciates you.

Bluntness100 Tue 01-Nov-16 16:42:16

Keep it casual, don't sext, see how you feel, you may meet him in the new year and he happy, but don't think he should be behaving like a botfriend or someone or putting more into this than there is at this stage.

MagicSocks Tue 01-Nov-16 16:55:37

Thanks Bluntness. I have been expecting too much I think. I will take a step back but maybe keep in touch casually every few weeks, if he asks about meeting I will say definitely in the new year if he still wants to but no hard feelings if he'd rather not at that stage. Good plan? Sorry, I sound so confused and silly. It's just difficult to let go of the whole thing and I feel a bit stuck as meeting up is not on the cards at the moment.

ruddynorah Tue 01-Nov-16 17:11:04

You need to meet them within two weeks at the most. Within a week is even better. You don't get to know someone by text, only in person. This build up for months is a waste of time. You could meet and just not click at all.

Treat the dating website as a way of introduction, not a pen pal service or you'll never get anywhere.

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