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Would you tell your dp?

(36 Posts)
fi775 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:47:49

I'm not really sure where to post this but myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

Been with dp for 18 months now, I have 2 kids, he has a son. Was with dp for about 9 months before introducing our kids to each other.

When dp thought the time was right for me to meet his son, dps ex wanted to meet me which was absolutely fine. They had an agreement in place that when they find new partners, they would introduce to the other parent first. No problem with this at all. Apart from she made it very hard, she pretty much interviewed me lol. Asked about my criminal background - not that I have one - have I ever done this or that. I've never been so anxious in my life, and it frustrated me to the absolute max as I have 2 children myself both older than ds son and she was acting like I didn't know how to be around children.

Anyway a day later she pretty much said I'd passed the test hmm and my kids and dp and his son are one very happy family :-)

Now last week his ex mentioned to do that she had started seeing someone new, but basically saying for now they were just friends with benefits - trying to show off I think - and it would take a long long time for it to become serious and so dp had nothing to worry about anyone being around his son. Dp was pretty puzzled as to why she was telling him this and so was I to be honest.

Anyway fast forward to this morning and I decided to join instagram, never used it before but starting my own business page. As I was following people, I decided to be nosey and search for dps ex. Found her straight away and her profile is all public. Turns out the person she is seeing has met dps son as there is pictures of them on her instagram. Even with the hashtag #bestfriends under one picture. It's all been in the last couple of weeks. Last night they all went trick or treating together.

Now my question is do I tell dp? He will be absolutely furious when he finds out. He was always very serious about the original agreement they had and even when his ex made me feel like absolute shit, we still all stuck to the deal. I just know it's going to cause so much drama. Why she is posting picture of them I've got no idea, dp isn't on instagram and doesn't use fb much. He moved to the next town when they split so I'm guessing she thinks she's safe.

What would you do? I just don't want to be the one that starts all this. I feel it's not my place and it's between them both. But then I'm so bloody annoyed at what she's done. She's only known him 3 weeks :-( dp will not be happy if he finds out.

ElspethFlashman Tue 01-Nov-16 12:51:56

Tell him. Obviously the stable door is open and the horse has bolted so there's nothing he can do. The new bloke can't unmeet the child.

But he has a right to be aware of it.

lookatmenow Tue 01-Nov-16 12:52:24

tell him, let him deal with it - his son is the concern to him

fi775 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:57:17

I know if she wants dps son to meet her new fella then there's nothing dp can do about it, he cannot stop the new boyfriend being around him.

Funnily enough me and dp researched this when she was making it difficult for us. Just so frustrating how she was so serious and way ott about me meeting dps but it's absolutely fine for her to do it.

Dp facetimed his ds last night after trick or treating so he could see him all dressed up. When the call ended he said 'I know someone else was there with xxxxx because I can tell by the way she was speaking to me' she was speaking to him like crap last night basically, really acting like she was all big and important and he was nothing. He assumed it was her mum that was there but now I know it wasn't, it was the new man in her life

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Nov-16 12:57:27

Yes I would tell him.
You now know so to not tell him would be lying by omission.
If it was the other way around I would imagine you want him to tell you?

MemyselfandI123 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:58:19

Leave instagram open and say to him ooh let's have a look fort "insert exes name" and see are there any Halloween pics of "insert sons name".. and act totally shocked and outraged when you see new fella..

fi775 Tue 01-Nov-16 12:59:00

Yeah I would definitely, that's a good point. I will tell him tonight, things have just got more amicable between them both and now it's all going to kick off again. I just know these photos are going to really hurt him :-(

Halloweensnake Tue 01-Nov-16 13:01:54

Don't hide things from him about his son,,,.you will ruin the trust when it comes out at a later date....always be honest

fi775 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:06:30

I've just had another look and realised something. We were supposed to have dps son one night last week all arranged. Then as dp was on his way to pick xxxxxxx up, the ex rang and said he couldn't have him now as ds had fallen asleep and she thought he wasn't feeling too good. Her instagram shows that actually they went to a fair or something with the new bf

This is has really pissed me off, can't imagine how dp is going to feel. I will tell him, just wanted some advice as I don't want to come across one that causes trouble. That's not what I'm trying to do at all. But yes I will tell him tonight. Will try post with how it goes later

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 01-Nov-16 13:14:01

I'd tell him. Why should her set of rules be different to his

happystory Tue 01-Nov-16 13:19:05

Btw you haven't got yourself into a tricky situation, she has. If her Instagram is viewable by all and sundry it's her look out. Agree you should tell your dp.

kissmethere Tue 01-Nov-16 13:26:23

Yea you should tell him. She's probably thinking this agreement wasn't such a good idea after all.

Itisnotwhatyouknow Tue 01-Nov-16 13:36:22

Definitely tell him.
And when he meets him he must ask him all the questions you were asked, irrespective of the fact the guy has already met his son. He still needs to know if he has a criminal record etc.

Mikkalina Tue 01-Nov-16 13:39:03

Tell him!

Mikkalina Tue 01-Nov-16 13:40:51

Take the screenshots asap incase she deletes the images or makes her profile private. She could be reading the MN as well.

FetchezLaVache Tue 01-Nov-16 13:47:02

Tell him, definitely! It's absolutely unfair that you very sensibly waited 9 months and were pretty much CBR-checked and this guy waltzes in after five minutes, home free.

SpunkyMummy Tue 01-Nov-16 14:16:56

Tell him!!!

SpunkyMummy Tue 01-Nov-16 14:18:04

The profile is public and you have absolutely no obligation to keep her secrets.

You are however in a relationship with DP. And honestly is incredibly important, especially when children are concerned. So yes, I think you should tell him.

Zebra999 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:20:06

yes good point re screenshots.

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:04:47

Tell him. Her double standards after what she put you through are fucking atrocious

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 01-Nov-16 15:12:21

Tell him, but make sure he doesn't go and (in anger or whatever) do anything to jeopardise his relationship and contact with his son. The last thing you want is him going off on one on his ex and her withdrawing contact or making things even more difficult.

"I have to tell you something that is going to make you angry but promise me we will talk it through and come up with the best response" or something.

I say this because I would be so angry at the double standard I would be round there like a flash!

fi775 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:19:27

This is mainly what's worrying me, I feel like telling her exactly what I think so I can't imagine how he is going to feel. She also stopped contact not to long ago for the stupidist stupidist reason. my dp didn't ring or text that morning to say he was picking ds up later that night- he never usually does anyway as it's an agreement set in stone, every Friday 6pm, but for some reason she said 'nope you didn't let me know you were coming for him so you're not having him'. This was a couple of months ago and the relationship between them both has become amicable again.

Thanks about the screenshots, good advice - I've made sure I've done it.

Fingers crossed he will take this calmly, I'm going to do everything I can to stop him getting too angry but it's going to be hard angry

Isetan Wed 02-Nov-16 09:06:20

This really isn't your business, this is between him and his Ex and your DP is old enough to fight his own battles. Yes, I would be her duplicity but other than a courteous hello, you didn't have to submit to an interrogation. It sounds like your DP has boundary issues with his Ex and that's a place you don't want to be in the middle of.

Tell him about your discovery but in future, stalking his Ex and playing amateur detective really shouldn't be a role you should be playing.

Isetan Wed 02-Nov-16 09:09:05

You are way too involved and since when was it your job to keep him calm?

Take a step back before you find yourself entangled in some soap opera drama.

Bluntness100 Wed 02-Nov-16 09:14:00

I agree, the right thing to do is tell him, it's going to cause some issues in terms of how he tells her he found out,,,as in "my new partner was stalking you on line and then told me" So you both need to think through how you broach it, because either he says you were stalking her, or he protects you and says he was, neither of which are going to go down well.

He could just say the pair of you were messing about on line and just happened to click on it or something and saw it, maybe that's easier.

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