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Do I stay with him?

(8 Posts)
mum19821985 Tue 01-Nov-16 11:00:58

Hi, my husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. A few days ago we had the most terrible argument. In the argument he called me a "retard". I responded by calling him a number of names in return. We are under a huge amount of stress, are both sleep deprived and I am suffering from terrible mood swings/PMS. We also have a high needs 4 month old who cries constantly. The argument ended with me telling him all I felt for him in that moment was hatred. We have since had an honest discussion about where we go from here. We have had arguments before where he has used a disrespectful name. As I call him names in return am I just as bad? I know this is not healthy.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Nov-16 11:25:20

Not healthy no, but you are both under a lot of stress and are sleep deprived.
Is there anything else you haven't told us?
What other names does he call you?
It seems you give as good as you get but you both need to stop it.
Can you afford to go to couples counselling?
Could you have PND and need some help from your GP?
I think you can try to make this work if you both really want to.
The fact that you currently 'hate him' is not good.
Do you think you can get passed it though?
It could be where you are now with all the stress etc. and maybe you can get the love back.
You BOTH need to work at it though.

mum19821985 Tue 01-Nov-16 11:42:58

Hi hellsbellsmelons, I would love for us to have couples counselling. A year ago I went to relate alone, he was supposed to come with me but we had no childcare. It's the name calling I cannot deal with. It's happened roughly 3 or 4 times in 6 years, I told him yesterday that when he uses words like that he destroys any love I have for him. I give as good as I get and I end up as bad as him, calling him equally foul names. I don't have PND but suffer from terrible depression in the run up to my period. I don't want the marriage to end but can't believe that he could call me such an awful name. He has apologised repeatedly ever since and we are working on us both having time to ourselves/time with friends/time to de stress etc

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 01-Nov-16 22:32:31

I think it has to be more than that though. The nasty name calling is a choice. Tiredness, stress, time of day or night, holidays, etc are just context circumstances. Those circumstances do not make a person treat others in a vile manner. The person "under stress" still has the choice to do so or not. He is choosing to do this to you, and you to him.

For this to stop he/you will have to choose to not do it- regardless of how many counseling sessions one sits through or how many girls' nights out you get.

Be on the same team.

CanuckBC Wed 02-Nov-16 01:53:58

Depression that affects you before your period, each period can be PMDD. Look it up, it can be controlled by medication. I have it and meds work for me to keep me even and more me.

When not on meds I can feel myself not be me and not have control. Get my period and I am fine again, until two weeks before my period😜

Joint counselling on the name calling and fair fighting would be good as it's both of you. He may start it but you finish it if that makes sense. You could walk away, or not buy in to his being mean. If he won't go, go yourself and figure out what you want to do. This isn't healthy for either of you or your children.

Counselling will also help you deal with your stressful situation. Talking about it and getting coping mechanisms can really help deal with stress.

High needs babi s are so hard. Both of mine were colicky and acid reflux = constant crying. My oldest loved a sling and being held and carried all of the time. It helped ease the crying spells significantly. My youngest, acid reflux meds and probiotics, Bio Gaia for babies made the difference. Ask for help of friends and family for some downtime.

ThisIsReallyNotMyName Wed 02-Nov-16 02:31:31

hmm

BusterGonad Wed 02-Nov-16 03:45:49

You need to sort your periods out, can you go on the pill that stops your periods, the depression will subside, and without the depression the arguments may stop!

PurpleNurple69 Wed 02-Nov-16 06:25:30

Got to agree with the PP who talks about PMDD. I also have this and before my meds kicked in properly I HATED my absolutely lovely husband for the week before my period. Hated everybody actually - work colleagues, the kids etc. I'd have to go to bed as soon as I got in from work just to stop myself screaming at everybody. I could feel this bubble of rage building up all week then it would just pop as soon as my period started.

I'm better now - just a low mood before period week but I no longer feel that I could quite happily murder my poor long suffering DH.

Go and speak to your GP and explain what you're going through. I'd never heard of it before. I honestly thought I was going crazy as I couldn't recognise the monster I was. I just knew it wasn't normal. It took a fairly long time for it to settle down and I explained everything to my DH and he understands now. Good luck OP.

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