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My lack of a sex life is getting me down!

(21 Posts)
Dizzywhore Tue 01-Nov-16 07:35:42

We have been married for 8 years, 2 young children and both work full time but the difference is I'm always up for sex, he never is. I'm lucky if we have it once a month! And it's always started by me! He acts like his doing me a massive favour by participating!
In pretty much every other way we get on great, his a good father and a very supportive husband but a bit lazy!
I'm getting so fed up. It's been like this for years and years! We do talk about it but nothing changes.

needsomeperspective Tue 01-Nov-16 08:45:49

Are you me?!!

Good luck with this. I've never found a solution. Wish I was the type who could have an affair to be honest. I can see myself lying in my deathbed and my biggest regret being how bitter and furious I am about losing the best years of my life in a boring unsatisfying sexual relationship when I could have been swinging from the chandeliers.

The youthful frisky period pre-menopause doesnt last forever. Soon I will be a dried up old husk with shrivelled ovaries and I will never get these years back. I often hate my husband.

Capricornandproud Tue 01-Nov-16 08:56:36

No.... i think you're me??!!!!

Same boat here. Never interested and it's such a blow to your self esteem. perspective I totally agree. I fear I will be on my deathbed regretting the best years of my womanhood (and likely ex-husband by that stage) were wasted in front of Sky Cinema.

itallsucks Tue 01-Nov-16 09:03:18

Your not alone, we've managed sex once this year and twice last year (not that I'm keeping score but it's hard not too). I've tried talking to him but he isn't interested, if I try to explain how it makes me feel then he sulks and says the only thing I want is sex! So at the moment I'm just plodding on with life, praying it gets better before I leave for my own sanity and self worth.

itallsucks Tue 01-Nov-16 09:04:38


Dizzywhore Tue 01-Nov-16 12:58:17

God it's nice to know I'm not alone! I totally know what you mean about wanting to be the sort of person that could have an affair but I'm not! I don't want to have sex with someone else I want to have sex with my DH. I don't know why as he makes me feel so crap about myself!

roarfeckingroar Tue 01-Nov-16 13:01:29

I had this. I had to leave. A lot harder when you have kids though.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 01-Nov-16 17:09:56

It's one of the reasons I'm separated too. Couldn't carry on like that forever.

RatherBeRiding Tue 01-Nov-16 17:16:07

Has it always been like this? As it is so difficult for you now I assume that in the early years of your relationship/marriage you had a good sex life.

What has changed? Unless he has always had an unusually low sex drive, then something must have changed, but unless you can get him to acknowledge that and be open to actively improving things......well, it probably won't magically get any better I'm afraid. sad

birdybirdywoofwoof Tue 01-Nov-16 17:18:30

This kind of thread really does dispel the myth that men are always desperate for a shag, doesn't it?

Op, once a month is pretty...low- can he express why he's not up for it?

BitchPeas Tue 01-Nov-16 17:21:17

The unfairness of not even discussing it with you or being willing to listen to how you feel and how's it affecting your relationship would be a deal breaker for me.

You are not unreasonable to want to have sex with your husband and he does not have the right to decide you will be sexless.

Princesspinkgirl Tue 01-Nov-16 21:44:06

Not quite the same but when I first met my other half we would have sex 3-5 times a day we've now been together 8 months and it has decreased it's now probably an average of 3 times a week I have a high sex drive and find this difficult I do see where your coming from and I say talk to him I have tried to discuss with my partner but he doesn't see the issue I guess I'm lucky still but I know deep down its not the end of the world having a decrease in sex on his part

Bubblegum18 Tue 01-Nov-16 21:47:11

Are you me? Lol I would have sex three times a week if I could DH is often too tired although he has been working on it and when we do it, it's good.

Dizzywhore Tue 01-Nov-16 22:42:41

The first few years of our relationship we had a great sex life. But Iv always had the higher sex drive. I am 10 years younger then him, and he does work long hours. If we do talk about things that's what he always says, his tired, I'm tired! But make the effort man!
I'm so fed up tonight Iv hardly spoken to him. He just acts like noting is wrong, he knows!

needsomeperspective Wed 02-Nov-16 06:17:05

My husband is a stay at home dad, but the kids are at school AND we have a full time nanny. So I can't really buy the "too tired" excuse. To be fair though he does suffer from anxiety and its this which is the problem (and causes many others like him being a selfish moody asshole). I should be sympathetic to his mental health issues. But I've got to the point where I just want him to either get over it or get out of my life. I feel like I suffer as much from his problems as he does. Can't take it much longer.

I dream about a relationship where sexual contact is a regular normal part of everyday life and interaction rather than 6 minutes twice a month if I'm lucky.

I am a size ten, look after myself, dress well, don't smell or have obvious deformities. Other people seem to find me attractive. But when I get dressed up go a night out with my husband I may as well be going out with my dad for all the interest he shows.

I have a drawer full of beautiful underwear which he appears completely blind to so I never bother wearing.

I feel like half a person when I'm with him.

We had "date night" last night and I was bored to tears. He started the evening being angry and moody and by the time we got to the restaurant I just wanted to go home. I was dressed to the nines and just thought how utterly pointless the whole exercise was. Then when we got home I put on a silk neglige and he promptly fell asleep.

There must be more to life than this.

Madinche1sea Wed 02-Nov-16 06:56:39

Perspective - that sounds really awful. I'm so sorry sad He can't have always been like this, surely? Is he on medication which affects his energy levels or libido? Also, you say he's a SAHD, even though you have a full- time nanny. How bad are his MH issues? Maybe he needs a focus outside the house to get his confidence up and everything else may follow? I don't know - too much rest can turn to rust? Even if he's not up to a part-time job, maybe take up a new hobby, or something?

needsomeperspective Wed 02-Nov-16 14:17:51

Not sure how much his anxiety is a cause. As seen on this thread it's not that unusual a problem. The myth that all men are always up for it is just that I reckon.

I guess the next step is counselling. Have you tried that OP? You say you've discussed it but nothing changes. Maybe a therapist could help?

LostAtSea2 Wed 02-Nov-16 15:49:15

Hope you don't mind me joining in this conversation. I have posted before but my wife and I are currently having counselling to find a way through this.

I have a much higher sex drive for sure but also things came to a head as I was simply missing the Intimacy in the relationship (thing hugs, complements, kisses etc) which had slowly reduced over the years probably due to the challenges of family life and, to be honest, because we both forgot about 'us'.

We are at the point similar to the posters above where, if I did not instigate it, sex would be next to never and when it does happen I am starting to feel I am pushing her into it (though she admits she enjoys it when it does happen).

Talking through the counselling we have identified things in both sides that were causing some problems. For me I was clearly not recognising that I needed to do more in the home in some areas and as a result I have made effort for real change and things are now great and more balanced (her words). For her we have been working through whether it is a confidence thing and how she feels about herself that has impacted her feelings towards me and her thoughts in showing affection. I continue to take the time to try to look nice for her (and me), pay her complements and just generally show her affection outside of the bedroom.

However....things are not showing any signs of improvements after a few months and I still feel like I am not wanted/desired even though she says differently.

It's hard not to take things personally and feel alone in this. If Im honest a lack of affection/sex will ultimately be a relationship breaker for me. I know my wife loves me, and I love her but that isn't enough. I hope we can resolve this.

JamesTiberiusKirk Thu 03-Nov-16 16:42:30

I am in a similar position to LostAtSea2, and so I hope people don’t mind another bloke sharing the same problem on hear – it feels that this is more of a gender-neutral issue than I had previously thought.

My wife and I have been married 6.5 years, and have been together almost a decade. Our sex life has never been explosive, but before children we had sex regularly and were modestly experimental. It was fulfilling, at least from my perspective, and she always said she enjoyed it.

Now, with two kids and each with a full time job, sex has become an afterthought. At best, it is twice a month, but it is not uncommon for us to go 5-6 weeks without it. My wife rarely initiates, and when we do have sex it is usually very limited in scope: very little foreplay, almost all focused on her. No oral sex, which I love giving (she says it is too intense for her post-childbirth), then the same position or two without fail. Something that should be exciting and intense has been turned into an occasional slog.

The lack of attention to me is particularly hurtful, as if my pleasure doesn’t really matter. The lack of pro-active initiation, or any indication that she desires more regular sex has led me to the point where I am going to see a doctor next week to be prescribed anti-depressants.

It can be a difficult topic to broach, as my number one fear is that I bring it up too much, or that I end up pestering – and that is neither fair on my wife nor a great feeling for me to be pushing for something which should be natural. No one wants to be cajoled into sex, but it is just soul crushing.

There are mitigating factors too – we are both overweight, though we are trying to get fitter and healthier. Our children are young (18 months and 4.5) and take up a huge amount of time and effort, which is totally normal, especially at that age. We both work full time and both have a fairly significant commute (40 miles each way). My wife says she has had a lower libido since childbirth, which clearly hasn’t helped, as I have a higher one. We are both tired, but I feel I am the only one making the effort.

I have no doubts that my wife loves me and I her, but the lack of physical intimacy drains so much vitality from our lives. I have reached the conclusion that we are simply not well-matched sexually, but I have no idea what to do about it. It just wrings the life out of your marriage, and I fear it will ultimately destroy ours.

LostAtSea2: Very similar position to you I feel – really hope you find a solution as I know how soul crushing this can be.

user1471535250 Thu 03-Nov-16 16:53:44

Perspective XX

LostAtSea2 Thu 03-Nov-16 18:35:29


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