Am I doing the right thing?
I'm seeing an ex on Thursday, someone who hurt me quite a lot and I ended up quite traumatised, so I dumped him and went NC for four months, and got some therapy. He got back in touch, and I wanted to "normalise" some of the stuff that had happened and work through it, so I welcomed talking to him. He is in some serious therapy of his own for the first time in his life, is aghast at his behaviour and is very sorry, is in love with me, wants it to work, etc. We've actually never communicated like this before, he seems to have grown up in some sense. I genuinely am not sure what I want (he knows this and is not pushing). Thursday is more of a proto-date than a date. There is some difficult stuff (gas lighting, silent treatment, some behaviour that was not cheating but cheaty IYSWIM, flirting, shady behaviour generally), we are discussing it slowly, some of it has been really helpful, some of it I still think, how would I ever get past that? How would I know it wouldn't happen again?
Thing is, it all seemed just positive and life-affirming and like I was in control, and was just seeing how it played out. I don't want to be in this position of having a tragic ex I never speak to. This person meant a lot to me and I appreciate what he has done, of his own volition, to sort himself out, and I'm not committing myself to anything other than dinner. However this ends, if we could both come out of it better, happier people, together or apart, that would be great and I think that's what I'm aiming for really.
I was quite looking forward to Thursday until I spoke over the weekend and today to friends and family who had supported me through the dark period, and they have basically made me afraid again (I have massive anxiety anyway). And now I'm feeling like I can't handle myself, I'm back in the scared place I was in before, and trying to sort out what is genuine well-founded caution and what is just anxiety is messing me up.
My gut feeling is that I have been curiously disempowered by the very people who helped me, and who I owe so much to, and there's something off about that. At the same time, I'm not sanguine about this man, and I know there's no way at this point to know whether the change is lasting or not. I'm taking nothing as read, but I never did, and I wasn't anxious or scared about it before those conversations. Should I talk to him? Cancel? Talk to them and try to sound like less of a victim this time?
Sorry, this is long for a small problem. Thanks for reading.
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Relationships
Need a handhold... I have The Fear
ViolettaValery · 31/10/2016 20:47
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