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Desperate for some advice.

(20 Posts)
SanitysSake Mon 31-Oct-16 19:42:20

I am in a very dysfunctional relationship (we are not married) with a man who is self destructive and in many ways; slowly destroying me.

Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong (I don't want to bore you). I have no more excuses for his behaviours and am now three months pregnant with a very much unplanned child. A miracle, as we have had very little sex in the last year (twice under the influence of lots of alcohol), we are both a bit older and I had lots of gynae issues.

I have very little resource left from when I met him, I am unemployed and have a badly injured back. I am quite vulnerable and am increasingly being spoken to badly by him because of his frustrations (and his own depression). The venom with which he speaks to me now (as he really and truthfully didn't want the child), is destroying me. He says he loves me. Says he will change, that he says things he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment - but he doesn't. His faux calm lasts 36 - 48 hours and the resentment and the vicious snide remarks begin again.

He says he's accepted the child and even tries to feign some sort of excitement, but his commitment and interest in it is not really there. I can feel it. Actions speak louder than words and there are very few. Just HIS tiredness, HIS needs, HIS annoyance, HIS stress. HIS fear for the future (about having to be responsible - emotionally and financially), HIS need for cuddles and reassurance - when I can barely walk and have all the symptoms early pregnancy can throw at you. He gives little to me - it is all about him.

Now I am pregnant, I can feel his resentment of me. It's palpable.

I am increasingly being belittled and disregarded and this is escalating in ferocity. As of yet, it has not become violent and has been curtailed to stomping around, slamming doors, calling me unpleasant names.

As I type this I am in floods of tears as I know this can't go on - for my sake and for the sake of the little one I'm carrying. The atmosphere is toxic and I have absolutely no self esteem or confidence left. I have given the relationship my all, but how can I realistically stay with a man I really did love (on his good days which are very few and far between unless there's a jolly amount of alcohol involved), but who in all truth, is a Manchild? Who puts his needs before all others and resents me for refusing to abort our miracle child and for having a bad back and for, well, everything?

I am the focus for his vitriol (I often say I am the 'dog he likes to kick') and the salve for his tortured soul at the same time. It is a hideous position to be in.

I have no family with which to turn, my friends are disparate and I am so critically depressed, I wish I'd left him when the relationship was formerly on the rocks, rather than trying to be the eternal optimist, hanging on in there and then subsequently getting pregnant. Although now I am, I so want to experience a little joy. A little shred of excitement over the baby. However, I am being denied this. He is robbing me of it and I know will only continue to do so throughout the whole pregnancy and beyond. Any dreams I had have been well and truly shattered.

Consequently, I would very much appreciate any advice.

Is it best to get out now before the child is born? I'll have to approach the government for housing assistance, etc. But is it better to do that to reduce the stress long term? How would I deal with parental rights? Should I even put him on the birth certificate to exonerate him of his responsibilities? I just don't know what to do.

Anyone got any ideas/experience in this? Because right now, I'm truly frightened and scared for the future and very very lonely.

Your help would be greatly appreciated and sorry for the incoherent rambling.


KatieScarlett Mon 31-Oct-16 19:46:09

Get out now. People will help you if you ask. You need peace and calm. This will escalate and you will look back and wish you had gone when you could. Even more than you do now. Make your plan and go.

SanitysSake Mon 31-Oct-16 20:45:40

Thank you, KatieScarlett. Sincerely.

I know you're right. I know you are. But there's this awful feeling inside of me that wants to believe in him. Wants to believe he'll come good - because he, himself, is such a sensitive soul. I've never known anyone that I truly have so many parities with. But he's sensitive to his own needs at this time - not mine.

He has so many issues, that need compassion and love... But I have had my fair share of heartbreaking crap myself and all I keep thinking... 'I'll end up looking after him for the rest of his life'... He has admitted that prior to meeting me, he wanted to end his own life.

On re-reading this I may have given the impression that he could become violent. He won't - his words are far more powerful than a fist could ever be. Ironically.

But the rub is that I know prior to the baby... it was going wrong.. for me anyway... Apparently no sex and living like brother and sister is okay for life?


KatieScarlett Mon 31-Oct-16 20:49:10

He's taking you down with him love. You can't save him, he's got to do that for himself. You have more important responsibilities to yourself and your baby. Save yourself and your child from a life with him.
You tried. It's time.

PhantomPringles Mon 31-Oct-16 20:50:06

You may have chosen a different path when you were still child free - staying with him in a dysfunctional relationship only affected you. Now you will be bringing a baby into the situation so you will need to be responsible for two people - yourself and your baby - and your priorities are different. I think you already know that it is over. You need to extricate yourself in advance of baby being born so you have a safe and happy home, with contact with your ex, but where you call the shots.

cheapskatemum Mon 31-Oct-16 20:51:00

Contact Women's Aid for help and advice. You are right, this situation is not good for you or baby. I have PM'd you.

FetchezLaVache Mon 31-Oct-16 20:54:02

It's OK for some people, but if it's not OK for you, it's not OK for you.

IMO you're being quite generous in suggesting that it's because of his frustrations and depression that he's being so abusive towards you. It may well be (who am I to say?), but equally, the fact is that abuse often begins in pregnancy because of how vulnerable you are. You are triply vulnerable because you aren't working at the moment and because of your back. Just putting that out there...

If I were you I'd leave, sort YOURSELF out, then see what kind of a role he plans to take in the baby's life. Not putting him on the birth certificate won't exonerate him from his financial responsibilities towards the baby, btw - he'll still be liable for maintenance.

I will say though, it's to his credit that he's at least trying to show an interest in your pregnancy.

Good luck - and I hope everything works out for you.

SittingAround1 Mon 31-Oct-16 20:56:52

Whatever you decide, leaving now will be a lot easier than leaving once you have the baby. It doesn't sound as though he'll be fighting you for custody but he will have to pay maintenance for his child. I'm sorry I can't give you any detailed advice on rights and whether to put his name on the birth certificate or not.

I don't think anyone should be the salve for his tortured soul
You won't have any room for this in your life once you have a baby (and it wouldn't be healthy for a child to grow up in that sort of environment either.) I wish you all the best.

springydaffs Mon 31-Oct-16 21:08:21

Contact your local Womens Aid at your earliest and get them onside. Also get your GP/HV onside - as much for evidence as support. You are in an abusive relationship.

At some point, do the Freedom Programme . Womens Aid will recommend you do this course. imo it's better to go along to the course. Worry not, you will meet smart, lovely women just like you. As you so succinctly put it, domestic abuse doesn't have to be violent to be utterly devastating and deeply harmful.

As for he's a sensitive soul - my arse. So am I but I don't routinely destroy the people around me. He's had a rough life? Well, so have I and so have you. We don't make our nearest and dearest pay with vicious and frightening behaviour. We do that adult thing: we take responsibiity for our lives and square up to our difficulties, doing the best we can.

Lovely, your relationship is sounding horribly codependent. Do have a look at CoDA when you have a minute.

I also wonder if he is actually an alcoholic has a drink problem - which would, incidentally, put you squarely in the codependent camp. No fear, you and a lot of us ended up in the codependent camp.

Congratulations on your wonderful miracle pregnancy! flowers flowers
You can enjoy this pregnancy. You'll probably blanch at me saying he only steals your joy because you let him.

As things stand he is a waste of space - because he chooses to be. His problem, lovely, not yours.

springydaffs Mon 31-Oct-16 21:08:43

PS Get out now.

springydaffs Mon 31-Oct-16 21:09:34

You have somebody else to think of now - yay!

DownTownAbbey Mon 31-Oct-16 21:22:07

If I remember correctly he won't have parental responsibility if you're not married. This means he won't be able to get your child a passport but other than that maybe someone knowledgeable will turn up in a moment. Congratulations! And as rubbish as you feel know it'll be easier to leave now. Good luck flowers

SanitysSake Mon 31-Oct-16 22:02:46

You, Ladies, are gobsmackingly kind. I thank you all. x

I am sat here, with him in my presence, trying to choke down tears.

There is not a word from any of you, that hasn't struck a chord.

I very recently became familiar with a term called 'gas lighting'... Which on recognition, was like a lightening bolt. I now oft accuse him of this - although he dismisses it as general female new age b******ks

So much so, I was in a public place the other day and said with a fair bit of steely resolve 'Are you on f*** crack?!!!' His lies as defence (which were couched as an attack) were breathtaking. For someone of his intellect and education, his mere suggestions (as if I'd deposited my brain in the nearest bin) were so inflammatory to me - that was my last retort as I walked out of the coffee shop we were in (leaving my much needed pot of tea on the table).

When I got back in the car, I was quickly joined, whereby I said 'this is unacceptable'.. and he said 'look.. can we just put it behind us and move on...'

I let it rest as within 20 minutes, we were about to have lunch with his parents. Parents who had just found out I was pregnant. An announcement he completely controlled and I felt a bit-part to. I was hurt.

This is how it is rolling. He can desperately upset me.. and I admit, my hormones are probably causing me to go hell-to-leather.. But I find that he's insulting my intelligence all the time (and he really shouldn't - I'm equally as educated - I just happen to have a collection of cells, our baby, growing inside me which has made my brain a bit like porridge). Let alone we talk about the other familial issues I'm dealing with.

I guess it's a case of - am I willing to put up with this.. Or do I cut my losses and run? How do I bloody run? As a single female with a good job, good income - I could run wherever I bloody chose. Cant do that now.

As for the co-dependency? Oh are you ever right on that front.

I will indeed contact Womensaid. I hate where we're living - but I'm registered here. If they can help me get somewhere for the meantime... maybe, despite the life changing (and heartbreaking) events that surround me; maybe I'll get enough of my old self back to rise above and do it for my child and I.

Can I handle the grief of walking away? In desperate financial straits?

I don't know...

Would be good to hear from other women who have been 'buoyant' and then lost it all - and then become single parents. Its really effecting my head.

Love to all x

QforCucumber Tue 01-Nov-16 07:45:41

The moment that baby is born you will want to do everything you can to protect it from anything in life.
Getting out now is a step towards that. You are in control of your own happiness and from the sounds of it right now you couldn't be any more unhappy.
Stepping back may help him to change but even if not, you need to make the move for you and your baby.

springydaffs Tue 01-Nov-16 11:53:23

Buoyant?? What you are describing isn't buoyancy. Just saying.

Lovely, what you'll find on the other side is LIFE. And living.

There is absolute zero you can do about this cunt man. He choosers to do this, to be like this, because - brace yourself - he likes it. It makes him feel good.

Yuk. Go get your life for you and your baby.

Happybunny19 Tue 01-Nov-16 17:23:36

As a practical first step speak to your community midwife. You probably haven't been to your first booking in appointment yet, but your general well-being is usually discussed, together with questions relating to domestic abuse. Please take this opportunity to get support and advice to leave this vile, selfish man. You cannot allow him anywhere near your baby. Act now, as you will find it much harder once baby is born. You and your baby deserve much more.

KatieScarlett Tue 01-Nov-16 17:45:05

Does your workplace have a counselling service? I made epic use of ours over the years and it really helped.

Mombino Tue 01-Nov-16 17:51:30

I haven't got anything practical to offer but I just wanted to say, please don't let fear of being a single mother hold you back from doing what you know you need to do. I've been completely on my own for the whole of my pregnancy and my daughter's life (she's 6 months old) and I've lived to tell the tale. It's no walk in the park but it's much easier than dealing with an abusive relationship and being a mother at the same time. By the sounds of things you'd end up doing all the childrearing yourself anyway. It would only be harder to have to protect your baby from abuse as well as yourself. Please please leave.

And on a lighter note, don't stress about baby brain - I'm in training to be a lawyer, usually very sharp, but while pregnant do you think I could remember how the tin opener worked? No I could not. I swear it was like my brain had been removed and replaced with some scrambled egg.

SanitysSake Sun 20-Nov-16 19:18:31

Just got chance to read all your fab messages since being overseas for a couple of weeks. I had run away. Crap and bllxless, but necessary.

Well, after all the promises of things gettinv better; I've been back 3 days and it happened again.

I had a total melt down and told him I couldn't do it any more.

He was defensive, then sad. Said he loved me, was sorry and just wanted to be with me.

I said 'As a governess? Or brother and sister? Your nursemaid? You have robbed me of everything.. I am destroyed emotionally and I dont think this can be repaired'.

He was silent.. moping.. playing up that HIS back has become sore (currently dealing with SPD on top of my ruptured discs, so you can imagine how much compassion I have)

His rationale? His argument? His apology? His plan to do his best to do something? Make ammends? Anything?

'I think I'm going to have a bath.. would you like one?'

I am sat on the sofa with a swollen through snot and tear wrecked face staring at him in disbelief.

'No.. I do not want a bath'

And he poured himself a glass of wine and is having a bath.

I am seeing a counsellor for the first time tomorrow and hopefully CAB after that.

I'll also be trying to get some pregnancy safe anti-depressants.

Feel very very unstable at the moment sad

Thanks for all your kind words. They've meant an awful lot.


AnotherEmma Sat 18-Feb-17 10:09:34

How are things going, OP?
How was the counselling?
Did you contact Women's Aid?
Did you visit Citizens Advice?

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