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Dh and my anxiety

(15 Posts)
ememem84 Mon 31-Oct-16 13:28:14

Ok. Go easy please.

Last night I lost my shot with dh over housework. Or his lack thereof. I've read a ton of these threads previously and they all seem to suggest that dh's are man-children.

Dh and I are thinking about kids. None as yet.

I have a bit of anxiety exacerbated at the moment by work being very stressful (n too much work only one pair of hands...) and the fact that I don't have a great relationship with mil.

Part of the anxiety stems from this although I was dealing with it ok. By half going nc (she lives in NZ so I don't actually have to see/speak to her often). We are planning a trip to NZ in march to go to bils wedding (flights are booked). I don't want to go because of mil but want to see him get married because he and sil are lovely.

Yesterday I spent my whole day cleaning tidying picking up after dh. He is a messy fuck (no other way to describe it). He doesn't see the mess. Or if he does it doesn't bother him.
Clothes on the floor, his stuff left everywhere (so he can never find anything) etc etc.

It stresses me out. I explained this to him over the weekend and he didn't help me tidy up/clean/washing etc. He told me if I was stressed I needed to relax (true I do). But doesn't seem to comprehend the mess makes things worse for me. I feel like I need it tidy.

So I lost it. Properly lost it. Shouted. Cried. Tried to make him understand. I suggested I got paid £50 a week to be his cleaner.

He does have good points I should add. He cooks all meals for us. He food shops. He is generous and funny and kind. And I love him. I just don't love his mess.

Advice much appreciated (at work at present so may not respond for a few hours...)

Garyfetacheese Mon 31-Oct-16 13:38:34

Could you try to come to a compromise so that the housekeeping duties are shared where you tidy up and he does something else to compromise.

I am the tidy one in my family, I know how mess can affect a person's mood. Unfortunately there are people who just don't seem to see it, or hey do but it doesn't bother them. I have a bad back so my DH will do more hoovering and gardening than me for eg.

Have you seen your GP about anxiety though, there are various ways to help treat it (I have quite severe health anxiety).

Garyfetacheese Mon 31-Oct-16 13:44:12

Obviously it would also be helpful if your OH could try and understand where you're coming from and make an effort to reduce the mess he makes in the first place.

I wouldn't let your MIL ruin your trip to the wedding. Easier said than done though flowers

ememem84 Mon 31-Oct-16 14:19:53

I sat up last night and wrote him a letter. Explaining everything. Easier sometimes to read and understand instead of talking and explaining.

I left it for him this morning.

I have spoken to my GP. I've been having acupuncture for anxiety and am doing meditation (although not very successfully yesterday it seems...!!)

Am also trying to exercise more (took up horse riding again after a break of about 20 years as a stress reliever and try to hit the gym at least twice a week and walk loads) get outside more and eat better. I wasn't sleeping either which was making things 100 times worse.

My GP was great as I didn't want to take medication. So we've come up with the above plan.
Usually I'm good at handellkng everything but work has been so busy....it's all got on top of me.

Hissy Mon 31-Oct-16 16:50:51

Love, none of this is working for you at all.

Have you considered that perhaps you'd not have the anxiety issues if you weren't running around after a man-child?

How exactly would your life improve if - heaven forbid - you had kids? Or were long term Ill

I'd give serious consideration to what you genuinely get out of being in this relationship.

From where I'm sitting, doesn't appear to be much at all sad

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Mon 31-Oct-16 17:13:31

Have you read 'She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink'? Read it and get him to read it.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

This will be how the rest of your life is. It'll be worse if you have children.

LesisMiserable Mon 31-Oct-16 17:31:54

How about you go halves on tidying and halves on cooking?

ememem84 Mon 31-Oct-16 19:02:48

hissy I had considered that. But I think the anxiety was always there. It's just reared its ugly head in the past year.

I want kids. I don't want to leave dh. Aside from the mess he is good.

What do I get from the relationship? Good question. Last night I'd have answered not much.

Today my answer is different. I get someone who does love me. Someone who tells me so everyday. Someone who (importantly) usually understand my anxiety and my crazy and lets me get on with it

I have someone who I want to have kids with. although maybe not right now

I have someone who two years ago was prepared for me to not to work for a while while I sorted my shit out (stressful job (lawyer) I quit having nowhere else to go and was unemployed for 3 months.

I have someone who because I came off the pill earlier this year has had to put up with a lot of hormonal crazy from me.

We usually talk about things. We've both been rubbish recently.

We've had dinner. He made a roast chicken.

We talked. He gets that I'm anxious about things. He read my letter. He wrote me one back. I didn't know he was as upset about things as he was.

He also sent me the article above. He doesn't want that. I don't want that. I've come home from work and effort has been made. There were flowers and dinner. But more importantly washing basketbia empty. Bathrooms are clean. Bedding has been changed. Floor hoovered. Kitchen is spotless. That means more than anything right now.

bluebeck Mon 31-Oct-16 19:39:44

Glad he has made an effort OP. I hope he can stick to it.

You sound lovely by the way smile

ememem84 Mon 31-Oct-16 19:47:09

blue I am lovely. I just need to remember that. And tell myself every morning.

Hissy Thu 03-Nov-16 16:21:22

Making an effort.

When he should be doing his part.

He's just paying lip service and trying to get away with the bare minimum.

Nothing you describe isn't anything a good or just decent partner wouldn't do.

Bluntness100 Thu 03-Nov-16 16:30:41

My hubby is like this. Totally messy bastard. I lose my shit every now and again, He deals with it after those events voluntarily, then he slacks off again, normally though if i say to him, put your clothes away he does it.

Next time uou want him to do something. Don't do it yourself, just ask him to go do it.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 03-Nov-16 16:36:56

I think it sounds promising that he:

- located the article himself
- read it
- agreed with it enough to adopt new behaviour, at least for now.

He sounds like he's willing to give this a decent try, OP. I would accept the overture and hope for the best; see if he can stay on the path of change (although there will probably be slip-ups on the way).

PassiveAgressiveQueen Thu 03-Nov-16 16:44:23

This was the same split we had, he cooked I cleaned this was fine pre kids but the amount of extra work generated by kids meant my job was about 2-3 times the size of his after kids, so keep this in mind in negotiations.

ememem84 Thu 03-Nov-16 22:15:47

Oooh more replies. Sorry.

We have talked about kids. Extensively. I've said no until he seriously pulls his weight. Ive pointed out how tough it is at present and how I see that if we do kids things will initially be worse for me because of the maternity leave and being home. I said I won't do everything.

Since I lost it earlier this week he's food shopped meal planned and done a total clean. He's suggested that next week I meal plan food shop and cook. He will do the rest. So he can see how much I do. ive pointed out that there's a lot I do that he doesn't see. But no. He's got this.

It will take work. So far so good though. We've talked. A lot. Not argued. This is important.

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