Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need advice re lost friendship..(9 Posts)
So the short version of what's previously gone on...
I had two very close friends, bridesmaids at my wedding, old school friends etc. These two I considered would always be there for me no matter what and vice versa. However we lived 30 mins apart and they never came to visit me it was always me making the effort to come over to them. I then had a baby and well things got even worse given it wasn't always as easy for me to get over to see them. One is a teacher so always said when it was the school holidays she'd come and see me and DC, that happened once (at my prompt) in the first 3 months and then never again. My other friend became closer to another girl who has quite and aggressive personality and would always make sly comments but in my friends eyes she can do no wrong. Had one lunch with my friend during my maternity leave (again which I promoted) and that was it, no texts, no contact no nothing.
Add on top of this I was struggling with my newborn and suffered with depression and anxiety none of which they are aware of (given lack of contact!). It became agony that I didn't have these friends to reach out to and struggled making new friends at groups due to lack of self confidence, I became really alone and isolated. Last year I just became fed up with the status of friends on Facebook; one friend constantly posting about her friends kids who she was 'auntie' to (friends who she'd known a few years) and the other who's aggressive friend just kept putting pictures of them both saying #bff and all soppy stuff about them being best of friends and doing everything together. Anyway I deleted them on fb. Prior to this I did try to reach out to one of them saying I hope we were still friends, admitting I'd had a rough couple of years etc, her reply was really blasé and said she was looking forward to a holiday her and her partner were going on. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe some kind of acceptance our friendship had broken down but she too wanted to make amends etc but no, just a really 'I don't care, this is what I'm doing' kind of message. One friend has queried me deleting them with another mutual friend who said she was worried about me, but I don't buy this - surely she could of text or for in touch direct to see if everything was OK?
Anyway, fast forward to now and saw friends at weekend at a mutual friends birthday and I was a wreck. I didn't know what to say and do and just wanted to pretend they weren't there as I knew it would bring up all my emotions again and I really don't want to go back to that place! Plus my friends 'aggressive friend' was there too making her usual comments. One friend walked passed me with drinks and said how are you, how are kids, to which I replied yeah good, and then she sat down and continued a conversation with someone else.
ive felt a bit of a wreck since though as I can imagine the conversations re 'well she didn't talk to us, she's this she's that', and it really hurts because deep down I just wish I could tell them what's upset me and vice versa and somehow move forward. It hurts every time I look at wedding pictures with them in or recall so many memories of things that have happened over the years. It all feels really school playground and I don't know how to get away from this!
So sorry that was the short ish version. Now this weekend coincidentally I have another meet up and the aggressive friend won't be there so maybe a better environment to make some conversation but I just don't know where to start if at all!
Do I just accept our friendship is dead and move on - neither of them have made any contact over years? or do I try to somehow resolve things? And if so how do I start that conversation!! Help! I'm a wreck!
Oh poor you That's shit. I'm in a similar position with two friends who live away. They hurt me by not inviting me to a milestone birthday party and a firstborn christening. Despite me sending her flowers after the birth and a present for the baby etc. I haven't deleted from fb but haven't interacted in two years. Neither appears to have noticed. But as time goes on I think I realise that they probably aren't aware of just HOW hurt I was. That's my choice to tell them I guess and I plumped for radio silence. Childish perhaps. But I think it's also too late for me to bring it up. Perhaps not too late for you but be prepared they may not "get" where you're coming from?
Yeah I understand what you mean, I've been a 'sufferer in silence' type! A work colleague was a breath of fresh air when she said something was irritating her about a friend / they upset her and she just said I'm gonna tell her tonight...just like that!! How amazing is that! And they stayed friends too! That's just how their friendship works! I think I was worried about upsetting and losing them to be honest and then partly some anger that they maybe weren't as good friends to me as I have been to them. I've been there for boyfriend break ups, dropping everything to be there. When I needed them the most they weren't there for me and I feel a bit of resentment for that
Friendships sometimes change as our lives change, and then sometimes people have different expectations from a friendship, people can't commit to the same levels of effort and contact, or one person thinks they are closer friends than the other.
From the outside it looks as if you dropped your friends (one in particular - the one who queried it with another friend) without telling them why, then deleted them on FB too.
At the party your friend did totally the right thing - approached you, exchanged pleasantries, and then moved on.
If you want to rekindle these friendships the ball is in your court.
But expect to be told that they were really hurt by your behaviour and they might not want the friendship back to the same level or intensity that it used to be when they were your bridesmaids.
Thanks Ninja, know what you mean re expectations. Maybe in their eyes I wasn't the close friends I thought of them.
Also that they might think I've cut them out without reasoning but was I not the first recipient of being cut out, albeit not in a formal fashion of Facebook but that was in essence what they did and without me knowing why? Because I had a child? Because I lived 30 minutes away? I'm at a loss in the same way they are
Letting friendships drift or fade out is one thing, deleting someone off FB is a pretty big statement for lots of ppl these days. It's very 'final'.
True, in hindsight as well as cutting out the feeds to stop upsetting me, I probably was hoping for them to sit up and have some sort of reaction and thought as to why I might have had to resort to this. It's a shame the one friend discussed it with someone else and not me
I dunno, I hate Facebook but at the same time can't help but use it! If I didn't exist I wouldn't have seen half the posts which upset me and maybe wouldn't have been in the position I am in today!
Sadly, some friendships don't last. Yours with these two seems very one sided too, in that you make all the effort and they don't have to put any in.
I think it may be too late to say now why you are so hurt, and to try and accept that they are just acquaintances you know you can say hello to at social events, but they aren't capable of anything more.
Once you stop focusing on what was, you can move forward and make new friends. But I do think that losing a friend is like a grieving process. So much time and many memories are with them, and its hard to cope with knowing you won't have that anymore. I thought at 40+ I had all the friends I'll ever have, but I have made more. They aren't as close as my long standing ones, but its always nice to know they are around. I hope things work out.
Oh, and at this next party you know they will be at, just say a breezy hi to them, and move on to chat to who you want to talk to
Deleting on fb will have been noticed, perhaps hiding them would have been better. I have around 3/4 of fb friends hidden! Some because their views over immigrants etc annoy me & most im embarrassment to admit make me jealous it hurts when I see photos of people I thought were friends out to dinner etc together, or childrens parties mine havent been invited to. its better for my sanity not to see it.
You've got 3 options. 1. Accept its over & move on 2. Invite them over for a get together, look through some old photos?? ignore the elephant in the room. Yes they may be crap friends as in not supporting you but with some people you do have to do all the running. 3. Have it out with them, tell them how much its hurt you then move on.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.