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Advice needed

(11 Posts)
clairepf Mon 31-Oct-16 00:21:08

Hi all. I have been with my partner for 3 years now. No kids together but I have 2 kids and he has 2 kids. We Both had nastreven diverse in the past. Our kids get along and he is a very good dad to áll our kids. Our relationship is great..but.. I have asked him about marriage and he said he would love that so I have asked him if we can now set a date and he said why set a date when we are not even engaged..so he's asked that we should set money in a wedding pot every month..the thing is I feel as if he's stringing me along..I mean why save money aside and yet we cant set a date..ám i being paranoid?
Thanks

Humblebee1 Mon 31-Oct-16 01:48:12

Hmmm, maybe you sound a bit too anxious here. Perhaps he may have liked to have had the opportunity to do it more romantically off his own back, with a proper proposal first. He didn't say no way after all.

AntiqueSinger Mon 31-Oct-16 03:16:37

If he is happy about the idea of marriage, why aren't you formally engaged or at the very least discussing dates?

Since you were the one who brought up the idea, and not him, it's possible he isn't actually as keen on the idea as you, but knows it's important to you and doesn't want to risk the relationship ending or upsetting you, so is going along with things for the sake of peace. Maybe he would have eventually proposed himself, but in his own time?

You have to decide how important this is to you. My advice would be to leave the subject and see what happens. Give it a year say. If nothing in his attitude in terms of concrete plans emerge, then bring it up again. If no joy then, perhaps consider if you need more commitment and should walk. Don't allow yourself to be strung along indefinitely.

Overshoulderbolderholder Mon 31-Oct-16 03:20:47

Maybe he is just the practical one? What sort of wedding do you want? I would suggest that you fully research the cost involved in the type and size of the wedding you would like and then work out together how long (realistically) it would take you both to save that amount, that'll give you a starting point for possible future dates for the big day.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Mon 31-Oct-16 03:31:58

Save the money, then plan to your means? Sounds like exactly what we're doing.

Why are you so worried?

Bagina Mon 31-Oct-16 04:54:14

Surely you can't set a date without money to pay for deposits? Start looking at venues and see how he reacts?

TheNaze73 Mon 31-Oct-16 09:25:29

Why the rush? His approach is practical. 3 years is hardly anytime together, maybe he's in no rush due to previous circumstances?
I'd back off, you may drive him away, it'll be like a constant annoyance to him, if you keep going on about it.
If it's that important to you, you may have to accept you're mismatched but, it will seem like a ridiculous reason to split up, for a lot of people

aubs427 Mon 31-Oct-16 15:42:35

What is the rush for marriage? I wouldn't push too much on the issue, especially if he isn't bringing up the idea on his own. It seems you've discussed the issue, so I'd 'back off' a little bit and enjoy the relationship as it is.

I was with my now-husband for 6 years before we decided to get married and we did it in Vegas. A short and sweet 12 minute ceremony with a very very very small group of friends. When we first met, he didn't want to get married AT ALL. So, if he understands how important it is to you, it will come...in time. But, rushing it or 'forcing it' will only be detrimental to your relationship and possible marriage in the future.

Is there a reason why you want marriage NOW?

clairepf Thu 03-Nov-16 09:05:45

Thank you all for your replies. I guess it seems I'm being a little bit too anxious. The other reason was I am looking to buy a house next year but I don't think I could do it if we aren't married as I heard if we ever break up ( which I hope not) it's harder to divide assets etc..I guess patience is the key here (:

FinallyHere Thu 03-Nov-16 09:52:51

Just wanted to reply to you about 'its more difficult to divide the assets if you are not married'

This is not true, if you are not married, then you can, in the event that you break up, agree to divide your assets however you want to. The key is that you 'agree'. Once you are married, in order to get a divorce, the state will get involved with a brief to ensure that children and dependents are looked after.

If you bring roughly the same assets to the partnership, and earn roughly the same going forward and can agree how you would split them in the event of a break up, and trust each other, the advantages of marriage are pretty much limited to the avoidance of inheritance tax in the event of the death of the first partner.

If one of you owns/earns more than the other, it is in the interest of the person with fewer material assets to be married. In this instance, it is very much not in the interest of the asset-richer partner to be married, unless their interest is to provide security etc.

I do wish that this stuff was covered in schools...all the best.

aubs427 Sun 06-Nov-16 17:11:12

Definitely to chime in on your worries about 'dividing assets' and such; I wouldn't worry too much about things like that. While it is always smart and logical to plan ahead in case, at the same time, there's only so much that you can plan ahead for.

I agree with what FinallyHere stated. But, no need to worry about things like that if you feel you have a strong relationship. Marriage takes WORK from both parties. Being a newlywed myself, I am still learning a lot of things too even though me and my husband have been together for a while already. You will constantly still learn things even 10 years down the line (as people change and evolve as time goes on).

The question you want to ask yourself is: Do you and your SO have a strong enough foundation to last any type of change that might occur? Are you open and honest enough with each other to be able to discuss how to handle change should it come about? Men are pretty simply creatures. Women are not. We are very complex with our emotions.

I would recommend removing the worries/emotions from it and try to think of it from his point of view. Try to understand where HE is coming from. Then, go from there. smile

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your happiness in all this. It will take time, but in the end, it will be worth it.

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