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Negativity masquerading as honest opinion or is it plus sulking

(16 Posts)
lolaflores Sun 30-Oct-16 22:02:50

I am trying a new thing for myself, a project at home with the hope of selling the stuff at a school fair.
HE is being dismissive and when asked for an opinion tells me I won't do it, i can't do it. He upset me so much last night I cried. He slept in the spare room becuase he said I said, he should stay out of my way. I didn't I was crying.
He says he is being negative because he belives the effort involved will affect my mental health (bi polar etc.) or my back (not great) and then the whole house will lsuffer and it wil all be a great waste of time.
now he is in his office, saying I upset him, and so on. The whole thing has turned into his feelings. I have hurt him by all accounts. I don't want to talk becuase it will turn into him shouting about it all then more bullshit. This is the first thing I have tried to do for myself in 8 years and he wants to pull it apart before its even got off the ground for the sake of MY well being.
Should I just check into a long term care psych unit and be done with it?

tallwivglasses Sun 30-Oct-16 22:19:02

No. Go ahead with your project and show the fucker.

pallasathena Sun 30-Oct-16 22:41:53

He's having a raging meltdown because you've dared to use your initiative. Who knows where it might lead? you could become independent (shock, horror!)
He's very likely furious at the prospect of you doing something that becomes hugely successful.You sound committed and serious about your project which indicates that it has a strong prospect of real success.
Add in a bit of old fashioned jealousy to the mix and annoyance that your project has all of your attention currently instead of you dancing all that precious attention on him and with a partner like yours, you have a recipe for a perfect storm. Which is exactly what he's created is it not?
Ignore, detach, stay calm and refuse to engage unless you are treated with total respect.
Cultivate an air of disdain mixed with disappointment at his behaviour and never, ever, rant and rage in front of him, just be seriously cool. A tall order i know, but it can work with practice. And breathe...

lolaflores Sun 30-Oct-16 22:49:47

I do think it is a mix of losing control plus jealous as well as my attention being diverted.
Take it from me, I am not expecting to enjoy a rip roaring success and I am nervous about showing my stuff and looking like an utter shit head, packing up early and going home to hide under the bed. On the other hand, it might be alright.
We have had a chat and I kept it all on the low low, keeping firmly to my point that this is not about him, no matter which way up he turns it. But because I stuck to my guns, as you say, in a calm, reasonable way, he could not instigate a tantrum.
I do think he has tried to throw a spanner in me works and I am truly disappointed because he always says he wants the best for me, for me to find something I can do for myself because I doubt any employer would greet me with open arms. Rather than sit on me arse till kingdom come, I am trying and this is the response.
As someone once said, the best revenge is success, which is what I shall call it even if I look an utter twat. I shall be the most successful twat in my own bathroom...so there.
Ta very much everyone. Its been a real tonic.

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 22:53:08

Hey OP at best he is being over protective, at worst controlling. Actually it doesn't matter, it's about you and your lovely new spangly project. You go for it! Good luck and a big hug xxx

tipsytrifle Sun 30-Oct-16 23:04:14

Sadly, some people get scared and angry when their partner pushes self-boundaries and explores a new challenge that might mean they're healthier than previously thought. Sadly some people prefer their partners to be unwell and dependent.Then they can be the hero picking up the pieces - or the martyr saying "told you so" and taking pleasure in the downfall. Neither is a pleasant expression of love or support, hey?

Go for it lilaflores - do your best and see what happens for you - otherwise you will never know what you're capable of.

tipsytrifle Sun 30-Oct-16 23:05:19

sorry, mistyped your name lolaflores blush

goddessofsmallthings Sun 30-Oct-16 23:33:49

the best revenge is success, which is what I shall call it even if I look an utter twat. I shall be the most successful twat in my own bathroom...so there

That's the spirit! However it pans out you'll find out more about yourself than if you let fear of failure stop you from trying.

flowers I look forward to reading your chronicle of resounding success in the not too distant future.

lolaflores Sun 30-Oct-16 23:48:15

goddessif I am on the cover of The Financial Times, I shall give you a name check.....
It is fulfilling. The most occupied I have felt since DD2 was born she is 9 now. I had a very busy job before, Have always been busy.
He is being protective but a bit suffocating at the same time and whilst I do need him, I need to find out what my limit is even if it seems a bit steep at the moment and it might mean a little bit of a rythmn change round the house but I am more than a depressed housekeeper. I wasn't one when he met me. l am so far from the person he met 17 years ago I wonder where she went.

tipsytrifle Sun 30-Oct-16 23:51:42

You weren't a depressed housekeeper when you first met him. He saw your potential to become one though and that suited him fine. Seems to me your true self is trying to reintroduce herself to you. She sounds awesome. Give her another go at Life!

ErnieAndBernie Mon 31-Oct-16 07:21:25

lolaflores good luck with your new project! You should absolutely do this.
You say you didn't use to be like this and that your husband can be controlling and negative. Can I ask how you think the controlling and negative behaviour has affected your mental health over the years? I get that BPD is serious and he wants to look after you but who doubts any employer would welcome you, is it you or him? What took away the confident busy woman?

junebirthdaygirl Mon 31-Oct-16 08:29:38

My dh has bipolar. When he Wass on a high he always had a new project on hand, was madly excited totally engrossed and gradually l began to get totally sick of it. The start of a new project always rang alarm bells for me as it often heralded upcoming high. If l cast any doubts he would go on about me squashing his initiave but he had no real memory of other projects in the past. He has had treatment now and there are no more projects. I have to admit he was very creative but soon got tired and l was left to pick up the pieces, often financially. This might sound negative but it's not easy living with someone with bipolar and if anyone had asked me what l most dreamed of it would have been no more projects. Sorry.

lolaflores Mon 31-Oct-16 12:15:27

June dont know what to say. It is n't easy living with me but I find it twice as hard living with myself some days. That said, I shall just crawl back into my bi polar hole, with my medication.

junebirthdaygirl Mon 31-Oct-16 16:20:41

I'm sorry l didn't want to upset you. My dh finds it so difficult not being able to work as he did have a very successful professional career just like you. He has been devastated by that but with the medication his concentration doesn't allow him to do what was a demanding job. I'm thinking your dh may be nervous of a relapse so over protective just to make sure nothing goes wrong. For a long time l was very jumpy that my dh would have a relapse so in my jittery state l was perhaps too quick to close down his ideas. Bit by bit l have relaxed and not so watchful now.

Northernparent68 Mon 31-Oct-16 18:35:06

I think we re being too harsh on the op's husband, perhaps he's being protective, perhaps he's heard this before. It s not easy suffering from mental health, but it's hard for the family too.its wrong to assume he's worried about a loss of control

MistressDeeCee Tue 01-Nov-16 03:59:56

The OP's husband is being harsh - she has bi polar, a bad back, and he upset her so much she cried. & now he has flounced off to the spare room and turned it all around to how HE feels

Just because a person has mental health issues, it doesn't mean its ok to treat them in such an upsetting and dismissive way; I think if OP hadn't mentioned bi polar/mental health some of the negative advice given would have been different.

There are other threads on here constantly abut men being unpleasant to their DW, nowhere is "he may have a point" style even intimated. Don't treat this situation differently its not on

As some other lovelies on here have said, good luck OP hope your project goes well - nothing ventured nothing gained, after all!

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