Things that happened 4 years ago at the start

[snapyap]

Been with DH 4 years, married 2, 1 DS 18 months. I am generally unhappy with my life atm, and I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past that upset me - big events from childhood that were never explained, things at my previous job etc. In this introspection I've also thought about the start of my relationship. It seems ridiculous now and obviously not really something to bring up 4 years down the line but 3 things happened which perhaps should have been red flags.

Firstly he told me (voluntarily!) how many women he'd been with previously. He told me stories about them and how he'd met them and how they came to sleep together (I know many people cringe at this type of conversation but it happened), and I was reciprocal and honest. 10 months down the line he told me it was all lies and I was actually his first. It seemed such a daft and trivial thing to lie about. I forgave him but I can't help thinking about all the lying and how easy it was for him.

Nextly, DH is a practicing Roman Catholic who, when I met him, went to church with his family every week. Great, no problems, not religious myself but each to their own. Except he didn't actually tell me this, until, at about 5 months into the relationship, one night his drunken mother said to me, 'X hasn't been to church with us once since he met you'. I was totally shocked and he just looked sheepish. Then as the months went on I was convinced into going to church with them 'so we could have a catholic wedding' and 'so our child could go to a catholic school' both of which I rolled my eyes at but we did have the catholic wedding and my son is christened catholic. I am so annoyed with myself for getting swept along in the religious side of things and I wish I'd not altered my beliefs for him and his family. As it happened, MIL also pretty much refused to speak to me at this big catholic wedding.

The last thing is that he refused to tell anybody we were a couple for 6 months. He'd told his parents and i had told mine, but for whatever reason he was insistent his friends, colleagues etc didn't know. I found this extremely annoying at the time, as on one hand he was telling me he loves me and he wants to marry me (!) but the next thing is that it's all cloak and dagger and nobody must know. In the end, one of my friends jokingly asked him why it said he was single on his facebook page which brought it all to a head and eventually he was happy to tell people.

Does this all sound ridiculous and trivial and nothing to worry about? I can't help going over and over these three things and wonder if any of them should have screamed 'get out'! I was only 19 when we met, and possibly naive and impressionable. Thanks for reading.

[TurnipCake]

He sounds utterly bizarre, I definitely wouldn't have put any of that down as trivial.

What do you get out of the relationship now?

[Madinche1sea]

Op I don't think any of these things matter too much -water under the bridge and all that! It sounds like you're going through a period of anxiety and lots of disparate events are stacking up in your head. Try and separate things out if you can. Do you have anyone to talk to? Or maybe counselling would help?
If your relationship is ok now and your DH's lies have not been a feature since, I would focus on trying to be content and look to the future.

[CockacidalManiac]

The fact that you're thinking about these things means that you're obviously not happy. They do all sound weird, and show him to be childish and insecure.
What's happening at present to worry you?

[BackforGood]

I don't think any of these things matter now. I'm guessing it was all bravado - he was lacking confidence and mistakenly thought it would sound impressive. Same with the not attending Church regularly - in his mind he was a church-goer, he just missed a week, then another, then it wasn't convenient that next week, etc. LOTS of people go to Church as a child / young person then find it either doesn't fit with their life / responsibilities or it just becomes less important to them as they become a young adult. They are still Catholics, and still 'fell' they are Church goers. As a Catholic, then the Christening and wedding would still be important even if not attending weekly anymore. The not wanting to make a big 'thing' about being in a relationship at the start isn't that unusual either - it's really no-one else's business. Not everyone lives their life through others, and there's no reason to tell the world and their wife in the early stages of a relationship.

[ViolettaValery]

Could go either way, I think (hence that's what previous posters are doing). Do you get a feeling of safety from him now? Do you sense that he is fundamentally honest and that you're living your lives as a team? If it feels bizarrely out of character now, it could have been some strange immaturity spell on his part, esp if he is roughly same age as you?. But yes, I have been in this position when early lies are told and it takes a lot to get past it.

[ViolettaValery]

The detailed lying would bother me though, it's true. Yes, it's probably all tied up with his religious upbringing which is probably a can of worms for him, but, IMO you either have that capacity to lie or you don't.

[ViolettaValery]

It also sounds like you have a lot of things to explore yourself about your own past which are kind of separate, and it must be hard to know whether that stuff is causing you to question your relationship or whether there really are question marks in it. Any chance you could talk to a counsellor about your own past and then bring in the relationship issues?

[birdybirdywoofwoof]

I'd be devastated to be involved with someone who lies like your DH does.

Really. I don't think he sounds 'right' at all. I'm not surprised you've been having second thoughts. His behavior is absolutely not normal, by any standards.

[snapyap]

Thanks for the replies. It's an ok relationship now. I feel like I'm getting to know a whole new side of him at the moment since we've had ds. I feel like we rushed into the marriage and kids thing, which might explain all the reflection. He's 6 years older.

[birdybirdywoofwoof]

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him op.

Please try to keep escape routes open to you- work/money/family etc. You don't have to do anything now/ever but at least you will know you can if necessary.

[snapyap]

Thanks. I certainly have thought about this - I'm a sahp and totally reliant on him financially atm, I've been applying for part time jobs. Something crucial I should have mentioned in the OP - He is now denying some of this. He denies I found out his religion because of his drunk mum. He denies a lot of things I remember him saying from the start of the relationship. It's very odd.

[CockacidalManiac]

If he is denying things then he is still a liar then. That or he's gaslighting you.

[ViolettaValery]

Ugh, yes that is weird

Have you got trusted friends/family around to talk to? I'm just asking because if you are being gaslighted, it's important to keep a sane outside perspective.

[ViolettaValery]

What's this "new side"? What is he doing differently?

[category12]

This doesn't sound good to me. You've gone along with his religious beliefs (shouldn't honesty come into his morality somewhere?!) - and been his little secret - and I'm not clear whether he's lied about his prior sexlife or is now lying about being a virgin when you met... Lying like that is abnormal and I don't know how you could trust him at all.

And now he's gaslighting you by denying his lies. Take it very very seriously. I would want him to get some sort of therapy if I were to consider staying. I think you're doing the right thing applying for jobs - get independent - this man ain't right.

[snapyap]

I've spoken to one friend who is a good listener.

He's different in that he's more stressed and more easily annoyed. Things that would have washed over him are now making him pissed off. He swears at me now when before he wouldn't have dreamed. Whilst he's always a big help to me, sometimes it feels like he's doing things passive aggressively to make a dig at me.

[ViolettaValery]

Yes, this does not sound very nice. Swearing at you?? Fuck that, however "stressed" he is, it's not normal for that to be a regular thing.

What do you want to do? Does he know this is really affecting how you think of him?

[snapyap]

No, he doesn't. I'm a bit worried to bring it up for fear of causing an almighty row. I feel like i have changed an awful lot since having my son. My priorities, opinions, general outlook have all altered dramatically. My sense of humour is different. I am much more assertive and have found femenism (finally!) and now I feel like the things that happened at the start, I'd never now let somebody get away with.