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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Definition of an emotional affair??

11 replies

GoldenYorkies · 30/10/2016 14:34

In a rut at home and in my marriage.
To cut a long story short, a couple of months into my marriage I think I could've ruined it.
I have always suffered depression and anxiety, and possibly some other mental issue that hasn't been diagnosed yet, erratic behaviour and terrible mood swings to say the least.
Anyway... I had joined a group on facebook for depression, to speak to others in the same boat and to see if I could get advice on how to cope etc etc.
Within a few days a guy had sent me a friend request and I accepted. I honestly thought nothing of it and chatted to him about life and just normal stuff. He then made it awkward and made it clear he was just looking for somebody to have a flirt with.
I had made it clear I was married and wasn't up for anything other than clean conversation. And I meant it, he was a lot older than me and I just wasn't interested in him like that.
But one evening I had had a few drinks and I ended up talking about my sex life.
I feel so ashamed, like I've cheated perhaps? even though it was only along the lines of something my husband liked.
He was a lot more open and dirty minded and I ended the conversation telling him he should go and spend time with his wife rather than messaging me and I deleted him off Facebook then deleted my account.
I admit I was flattered he found me attractive but that's it, I didn't find him attractive, I had felt sorry for him.
My marriage is in tatters now. Have I had one of these online emotional affairs? Should I be feeling so bad and how can I help my husband trust me. I want my marriage to work. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry this is so long, hadn't meant it to be.

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Julia1973 · 30/10/2016 16:07

Hugs. You were low, you felt flattered, you took some banter a bit too far, you stopped it straight away. The fact that you're so upset shows that it really wasn't an emotional affair. You did something silly and regretted it.

And I say that as someone who is the victim of a husband who had multiple online dalliances- he didn't consider any of them affairs and didn't give a shit.

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CockacidalManiac · 30/10/2016 16:11

I wouldn't count that as an emotional affair. You were vulnerable, and you put a stop to it sharpish. Put it down to a mistake, we all make them. Don't beat yourself up about it.

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MemyselfandI123 · 30/10/2016 16:15

I'd just count that as a harsh lesson learned, one you defo won't repeat. Chalk it down to experience

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GoldenYorkies · 30/10/2016 19:59

It's definitely a lesson I've learnt. I won't be making that mistake again.
Thing is, even though it happened a good few years ago it's still raw with my husband. All his trust in me has gone. I don't know what to say or do to help things. I have just finished therapy and come off anti depressants for the first time in years and starting to feel better and now it looks like his mental health is going down hill.

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BubblingUp · 31/10/2016 02:50

It doesn't seem like an emotional affair to me. You weren't interested in him. There has to be mutual attraction. He's just a creepy guy who got you to talk about sex. Sounds like he was a perv.

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GoldenYorkies · 31/10/2016 08:18

I didn't think it did sound like an emotional affair, that's just what someone had told me.

A bloody awful experience either way.
Let's hope 2017 is better than 2016.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2016 08:34

What was the duration of the chat OP? From the time it started to the time it stopped? Days? Weeks?

If what you've posted is the true and full extent of what happened then I think your husband is being unfair. How does he want the marriage to play out now? Does he want it to end? Because he's going the right way about it if he does. He's taking the 'aggrieved party' way too far. This wasn't even an emotional affair, it was indiscreet chat.

I think it's time that you stopped whacking yourself around the face and acknowledge that you behaved inappropriately with a predator (because you were on a site about depression and he knew of your vulnerability) and you broke it off almost at once. You've been in a state ever since.

Have you spoken to anybody in RL to get some perspective on this situation? I think you should - and then decide how long you are going to allow this 'punishment' to continue. If your husband loves you then he will see the unfairness of the situation.

It's time for him to shit - or get off the pot.

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GoldenYorkies · 31/10/2016 09:01

I haven't got anybody to talk to unfortunately. All of it happened in the space of a week. Husband knew I had joined the group and was chatting to him. To be fair, he had warned me that this could be a perve, I thought I knew better but was wrong.
I should've listened, he is usually right about most things!
There's no pot or anything like that involved, he's just insecure. He doesn't like to talk about it, i on the other hand, do. I can tell when it's on his mind.
We both want to move on and be happy together. On the good days it's great but paranoia can set in anytime and I'm always expecting it now. I hate it being so up and down and having to worry when the moods gonna change.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2016 09:10

Fair enough but your husband, having been proved 'right', now needs to accept that as soon as you realised that this man was taking advantage of you, you immediately stopped the conversation.

When I said 'shit or get off the pot', it was nothing to do with drugs. Sorry if you haven't heard the expression before but what I meant was, husband needs to either end your marriage OR work with you on making it happy and worthwhile, not this. As the moment you have this feeling of never knowing how his mood will be - that's abusive really when you think about how it makes you feel dread.

So, talk to your husband - tell him one more time that you're sorry but that you want both of us to put this behind you now.

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DonaldStott · 31/10/2016 09:23

I think it is really unfair that you are still being punished years later. I agree with the shit or get off the pot analogy wrt your husband. Okay, you made a mistake, but how long will his punishment last? It's already been a few years. A decade longer? No wonder you have been depressed. Work out whether you are happy to put up with this for years to come.

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GoldenYorkies · 31/10/2016 09:59

Thankyou all for your advice, I'm happy I've got it out tbh. It's such a weight on my shoulders.

Thanks for taking the time to listen and reply.
Maybe it's time we looked at counselling. Ending the marriage is not an option, I love him to bits and couldn't imagine my life without him.