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When you're not sexually compatible?

(18 Posts)
unicorn5629 Sun 30-Oct-16 09:22:04

Myself and DH have been together 10 years, over the years it's become apparent that he has a different sexual appetite to me, I'm happy once a week and quite boring with it. He's tried initiating things a bit more exotic but I just recluse. Ive had endometriosis in the past and sex can be painful.
We have a baby so obviously I'm more tired and less available (if you can call it that!) then I was before and it's causing more arguments. We've had arguments in the past and I improve for a short while then slip back in to comfort mode sad He's getting quite frustrated and tbh I don't blame him. I'm scared he'll leave, I pretty positive despite it all he wouldn't cheat but how can I spice things up? Is it too little too late ?

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 09:31:30

I don't have any good advice on this one, but I didn't want to read and run. But I will ask whether everything else is ok with the relationship? Are you close and affectionate? Do you do kind things for each other? my first marriage failed because whilst I have a very high libido I get really turned off by bad behaviour or a lack of consistency in the other things that are important to me and can't just switch desire on when my exh was being a jerk. Do you still feel bonded and a good connection to each other? Xxx

needsomeperspective Sun 30-Oct-16 09:46:56

Very common problem and usually ends one way. I'm in your husbands shoes and believe me it's utterly and completely miserable being stuck with someone who has a much lower sex drive and no interest in anything except missionary position sex in bed when your own interests lie elsewhere.

I feel sorry for you both but have no advice to give as in my experience one or the other will be unhappy if they compromise too much.

Personally the only "solution" I've seen is when the one with the higher sex drive and wish for greater sexual variety gets it somewhere else. The alternative, which I also see playing out in many of my friends marriages is two people stuck together who are miserable and resentful of each other.

Joysmum Sun 30-Oct-16 09:57:01

miserable being stuck with someone who has a much lower sex drive and no interest in anything except missionary position sex

Oh really? I work with those with illness and disability. Their partners don't say they are 'stuck with' the person they love despite often not being able to have sex at all.

We can all see how not having enough or the type of sex you'd prefer would be very fraustrating, but your attitude sucks. It's only a minority that would put sex before their marriage and certainly would not consider their marriage miserable or that they are 'stuck with' their partner. hmm

Janvancan Sun 30-Oct-16 09:58:55

I don't t think the once a week is particularly unusual in a longer term relationship but the lack of variety can be.

Can you try to spice things up by reading more erotic literature or something like that to get ideas and using your imagination?

I'm on the other side of the coin too. My DH wouldn't notice me if I walked past him Naked. I think he has lost all interest in me sexually and so I will be making plans to leave soon if it doesn't improve.

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 09:59:16

Needsome i am with you I couldn't survive in a long term relationship without it either but I might work on my expectations if everything else was really good. But there is rarely a middle ground. And, and this is just about me, sex is the way I stay bonded and intimate/close with a partner and it's fun, maybe that's how your DH feels? And for the record if you don't want to, that's fine it's your body and your choice but you may have to accept that it might imply some difficult choices ahead. Xxx

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:01:16

Joysmum we are all different and I would be miserable sorry that's the honest truth.

HermioneWeasley Sun 30-Oct-16 10:06:24

Do you enjoy sex when you have it? I'm not an expert, but is it normal for past endometriosis to cause painful sex?

What do you enjoy? Do you masturbate?

When you say "spice it up " has he suggested anything?

needsomeperspective Sun 30-Oct-16 10:10:21

There is a big difference between someone who physically CANT have sex or has huge challenges with sex for reasons of disability and being with a partner who is just not sexually driven or can't be bothered to make any effort. But to be frank I would be miserable in either case. Some people could be very happy in a relationship where sex was not central - for whatever reason - I couldn't. For me it's a hugely important part of my life and the way I connect with my partner.

Good for those who are happy being with someone who can't have sex or won't. I'm not.

If my partner lost his penis in a tragic accident I could still be very happy with him if we had other ways to physically interact and physical intimacy was still a big part of our lives.

Unfortunately, he has a penis which works just fine, as does the rest of his body, but little interest in using it.

I'd be very happy being FRIENDS with someone wonderful in many ways but who wasn't able or willing to be sexual with me. Don't want to be married to them though.

needsomeperspective Sun 30-Oct-16 10:12:53

OP if you force yourself into "spicing things up" when you don't want to, he will know. He will know you're doing it out of obligation not desire and it will be the biggest turn off imaginable. It's horrible having sex with someone who is "doing it for you" not out of lust. Makes you feel pitied, small and totally unsexy.

It has to be real. Or it's worse than not trying at all.

needsomeperspective Sun 30-Oct-16 10:22:04

The sad thing is, people who don't think sex is a big deal, will never be able to understand what a massive deal it is for people who find it vital for their happiness. They will always say "sex isn't a need, it's a nice to have" or "but your marriage is more important than sex" or "love means more than sex does, it's such a small thing".

For them, that's true. But for someone who is an extremely sexually driven person it is IMPOSSIBLE to be happy if your sex life is infrequent and unsatisfying. The misery is deep, abiding and runs through every waking moment in a world where we are surrounded by sexual imagery at all times in advertising, TV, social media etc. A constant niggle. An ongoing frustration which you try to mask with keeping busy, focusing on kids, friendships, filling your life with other stuff, trying not to think about it, taking care of yourself when your spouse is asleep....

There are two questions I would advise anyone to ask before they marry - is the person kind and are you sexually compatible. If the answer to either is no, run.

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:28:02

Needsome I couldn't have said any of that as eloquently. Spot on.

TheNaze73 Sun 30-Oct-16 11:31:43

Brilliant point, well made needsome

HermioneWeasley Sun 30-Oct-16 11:59:56

I agree that sex is important in a marriage. Otherwise you're just really good friends. It's the one thing that you should only do (IMO) with your partner. You can go running with a friend, be part of a book club, nerd out about game of thrones online but good sex is vital IMO.

That doesn't mean it has to be every day, but both parnters need to enjoy it on approximately the same basis.

Jclm Sun 30-Oct-16 13:00:30

What needsome said

unicorn5629 Sun 30-Oct-16 16:20:24

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. It's very interesting to hear other perspectives especially those on the other side. I definitely enjoy sex when we have it, I think my problem is literally that I'm too lazy. But I'm realising that if I don't do It more often, even if I'm tired then he's likely to get frustrated and upset. Our relationship is great in every other way.

Happybunny19 Sun 30-Oct-16 18:50:41

We all get a bit lazy after a few years. I find if I go up to bed before falling asleep in front of the TV and actually make time for my partner, we have great sex much more frequently. We've agreed this has been great for us and it certainly ensures a particularly deep sleep (well before the baby wakes anyway). If you make an effort to do it a bit more often you'll find that you want it more, leave it too long and the desire lessens.

Montane50 Sun 30-Oct-16 19:28:05

Ive had both experiences, 2nd marriage started well but i just totally lost interest-he bored me, time passed and we both stopped making the effort (it was ok when we could be bothered), that marriage ended when I realised we were just housemates. Dp is a different story, i can't get enough of him, and I now understand what needsome is talking about-but i wouldn't have prior dp

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