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Should I believe this? (Mental Health + DH)

(75 Posts)
Wallpaperpasta Sat 29-Oct-16 22:02:35

Background:
DH and I have been Married 6 years.
3 year old DC1
DC2 due in December
Husband has anxiety and depression (both considered mild by HCPs) medicated, but has refused CBT etc or managed to get discharged on first appointment at counselling each time etc.
Husband has been distant and uninterested in DC and myself since I found out was pregnant (things weren't great before and I was very shocked to be pregnant!)

He leaves most of parenting to me and indulges himself in his various hobbies and interest (I currently get no time away from DC). If anyone criticises him or suggests he takes more interest in family he says we're picking on him and not helping his mental health etc.

After pretty much 8 month of him being incredibly self centred, selfish and unable to accept blame for upsetting me repeatedly I finally persuaded him to go back to counselling.

He comes back from the first session this past week looking positively smug and announcing they have suggested he tries out a new hobby!

Is this likely to be true? Would they really suggest a man with a heavily pregnant wife and already enjoying a lot of time to himself further endulge in another hobby?

(Name changed because I suspect he knows my usual name).

DeathStare Sat 29-Oct-16 23:28:48

It depends what he's told them to be honest. I doubt he has told them what you have said here, so yes it could be possible.

That doesn't mean he is lying to them - just that he sees things differently and prioritises different issues.

Instead of individual counselling why don't you try relationship counselling together?

noego Sat 29-Oct-16 23:32:19

It's possible they may have suggested distraction techniques to take his mind of his depressive thoughts. In other words give his mind a rest from any negativity.

Somerville Sat 29-Oct-16 23:36:04

He might have had it suggested to think about whether that might help him, I suppose. If he fed them the right lines. Or he might be making it up.

But the point is that he is using mild mental health issues as an excuse to get away with checking out of parenting and your marriage, from the sounds of it.

I don't think anything will help until he wants it to.

Nursenat100 Sat 29-Oct-16 23:40:05

I think it is very likely to be true, as I suspect the way he has recounted the situation to be very different. That's not surprising really, counselling will be about where things are for him, not his partner. Starting a new hobby doesn't have to be a huge time/financial commitment, and from a therapist point of view, could be a useful tool. Try see it as something that you need to plan together, appropriately. I can imagine it feels shit but a better partner will hopefully be a positive thing for you, down the line

Shiningexample Sat 29-Oct-16 23:40:20

looking positively smug
call me unsympathetic but I think he is gaming you
it's all strategy

Atenco Sun 30-Oct-16 10:36:01

How utterly sad that he prefers hobbies to spending time with his wife and child. Maybe he should make his child his hobby.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Oct-16 10:40:50

Christ almighty, why are you indulging this shit ?

you know he is using his MH as an excuse to treat you like crap

TurnipCake Sun 30-Oct-16 10:45:05

He's taking the piss, OP.

I'm on anti-depressants long-term but I can still pull my weight in my flat and not be a dick to my other half.

Cary2012 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:48:18

What Sumerville says.

I think he's using his MH issues to opt out of what he doesn't want to do. His get out phrase is 'but it won't do my MH good if I do that', so effectively this way he's choosing what parts of his life he engages with.

This is extremely unfair on you and your DCs.

They may have suggested a hobby as a distraction, but that hobby needs to fit around family and not replace it.

I agree that he probably know how to present himself at appts to be told what he wants to hear.

It doesn't sound good, what do you think you should do OP? Does he have any empathy for how you feel, or is he totally self absorbed?

Shiningexample Sun 30-Oct-16 10:58:08

has refused CBT etc or managed to get discharged on first appointment at counselling each time etc
He's avoiding these treatments because he knows he would be rumbled if he had to engage with a professional for regular session, also because regular sessions would eat into his 'me' time

What he wants is an ongoing illness that he can cultivate which allows him to get out of parenting

He's a dead weight, do you really want to carry him?

faffalotty Sun 30-Oct-16 11:09:42

I agree that he would have told the story very differently to you and it is quite likely they would suggest a hobby. There's nothing to say that hobby can't include your child though. How about suggesting that he take them swimming or similar at weekends?

georgethecat Sun 30-Oct-16 12:22:52

20yrs working in mental health.

Yes they may have suggested a hobby but.....

He's taking the piss, a hobby should never be at the detriment of family.

Too many people use mental health as a way to shirk responsibilities.

I say this as a person who has suffered depression too.

Yes depression can bring you down to the point of being bed bound. But if you are well enough to play golf or whatever, you are well enough to support your family

CockacidalManiac Sun 30-Oct-16 14:59:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SauvignonPlonker Sun 30-Oct-16 15:16:23

I think he sounds very selfish & manipulative. He has things exactly the way he wants them, and that he is using his MH issues to control you. I suspect he is refusing to engage with therapy, hence discharge after 1st appointment.

Is he passively aggressive, I wonder?

Wallpaperpasta Sun 30-Oct-16 15:30:39

If he would consider doing hobbies WITH his DC there probably wouldn't be as much problem as there is.

However his hobby time is purely him time.

He sat with DC this morning whilst I prepared lunch, I walked in and he was ignoring DC whilst he researched his new hobby on his phone.

CockacidalManiac Sun 30-Oct-16 15:35:30

I know you won't want to hear this, but he's not going to change. He's been like this since the pregnancy, the MH problems sound like a red herring. It's possible to be a self-absorbed arsehole with MH problems, or without them. I'd imagine that he'd still be a self-absorbed arsehole.
Only you can decide what to do here. He won't change; why would he? He's got it great.

drinkyourmilk Sun 30-Oct-16 15:38:02

At times, because of depression, I have been less able to contribute to family life/household tasks. However this was something that I was aware of and it upset me. My therapist helped me (and my partner- who I invited to a couple of sessions) learn to deal with them again.
A hobby was suggested - but as a coping mechanism, not as an escape.
This therapist has either got very different techniques or your husband isn't able to see what he's doing to you a discount your family- and therefore has given a very different viewpoint.

WaxingNinja Sun 30-Oct-16 15:39:26

He's either bullshitting his counsellor or bullshitting you.

Or both.

So why are you putting up with it?

Shiningexample Sun 30-Oct-16 15:43:25

I walked in and he was ignoring DC whilst he researched his new hobby on his phone
classic passive-aggressive tactic, he does what you ask but he does it badly and in such a way that the children suffer
he has you over a barrel

he will maintain that he has to pursue this new hobby at all costs , because ....'doctors orders'
if you complain you'll be accused of trying to sabotage his recovery or some such thing

AnyFucker Sun 30-Oct-16 15:44:33

he is a very poor father, isn't he ?

Wallpaperpasta Sun 30-Oct-16 15:47:16

I pressed send too soon sorry.

...I said words to the effect of "Please look after DC it won't be much longer" and he walked out the room saying I do not support him.

Sauvignon-yes he is very passive aggressive.

He is also unable to take the blame for anything he has done. Is there a name for this?

Although he has anxiety and depression he is incredibly fond of himself, bordering on vanity to be honest.

0phelia Sun 30-Oct-16 15:47:41

This is bollocks. I doubt he went to a session at all.
I've had councilling, CBT, and my partner has psychoanalysis.

At no point has a therapist suggested another hobby. They have suggested doing one thing to improve the problematic sutuation you are in, directly, but just one thing.

They look into your mental cognition and how you process your response to a problem or low mood. They suggest low level behavioural responses.

They fo not suggest taking up a new hobby.

Sorry, you're with a lying twat.

CockacidalManiac Sun 30-Oct-16 15:52:02

He is also unable to take the blame for anything he has done. Is there a name for this?

Technical term is 'fucking pathetic man-child'. I don't normall say this, but get rid. Certainly don't have any more kids with him.

0phelia Sun 30-Oct-16 15:52:08

he's also unable to take the blame for anything he's done - is there a name for this

Yep. Narcissism.

Classic narcissistic behavior is to blame everybody around you for problems and take no responsibility.

Coupled with expecting great praise and recognition for any that they actually only had a small part in and speshul treatment

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