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Why do ghost still come back to haunt you when you least expect it?

(13 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Sat 29-Oct-16 21:44:06

I have just put DD to bed. We read a new book tonight passed down from her cousin call the scarecrow wedding. I read it and it completely cut me up. I was in tears and having the crack on an hide my sadness from my dd. If I had been alone I thing I would have completely brock down crying.I feel stupid saying this as a 6ft man, well built, ex forces. Its not like I have lived some sort of sheltered or a soft life.

But it was a sweet tale and reminded me so much about planning my wedding with the ex wife. I just don't understand how a simple kids book has hit me hard sideways like this? I have moved on so much since 1 1/2 years ago when my ex left me and the kids. I am happy in general. I have no romantic feeling for the ex any more. She was no good for me and abusive. Woman that is my ex today is totally alien from the woman I thought I married. Honestly I would not have her back in a million years. I don't miss her. I can only assume its grief for the loss of the happy marriage I though I had and the future it promised. Also the grief of my loss of such belief in such fairy tale romance. My fingers were well and truly burnt and I don't think I am ever capable of trusting in such a romance again let alone marriage.

But why has it stabbed me out of the blue like this? Why after so long? Will it ever stop doing this? I am just in complete shock how a simple kids book has totally kicked me in the teeth.

RickOShay Sat 29-Oct-16 22:03:46

I am sorry. I don't think 18 months is that long though really. Loss comes in circles, it's not linear. Don't be scared, there is still life to be lived and people to be loved.

CatBallou2 Sat 29-Oct-16 23:57:34

So sorry for your sadness. I think you're right to say to say it's grief that you're feeling. You've experienced a huge loss and you're having to deal with a big change to your life.

Do not worry about your reaction to the little book. It's lovely that you read with your DD. Your DC's will benefit so much from having a kind and loving DF.

Let the grief out and have a good cry when you need to. It's good for you emotionally and physically to cry. I told my counsellor that I was absolutely sick of crying and she told me not to be, that it was a good human reaction to emotional trauma.

Be kind to yourself.

MemyselfandI123 Sun 30-Oct-16 00:32:34

So sorry to read this, I think you're right, you're grieving for the future you thought you had when you married, not necessarily the wife. And maybe the innocence and hope often in these children's books has hit a nerve. The other girls are right, a year and a half isn't long, and its not just yourself you have to be angry and upset for its your children also. I suspect also maybe you haven't been able to let yourself feel these feelings, probably had to just crack on for the kids sake, I say go through the motions, get through the process and You will come out the other side and will trust

1DAD2KIDS Sun 30-Oct-16 10:04:45

To be honest I am more frustrated and angry more than anything about that little wobble last night, if that makes sense? I was doing so well and the that happens out blue over a stupid book. I guess its a bit like when an athlete is recovering from injury, thinks its fixed and the injury hits them again when training. It is really disappointing. Does it ever completely go away?

MemyselfandI123 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:31:09

Honestly, probably not, I think you're being too harsh on yourself, you can't control feelings, try as you might, you gotta let yourself feel them. Put it down to just that , a wobble, and accept that you'll most likely have more wobbles in the future, but, it's normal, really hope you're feeling a bit better today.

JuanPotatoTwo Sun 30-Oct-16 11:04:20

1DAD, I'm sorry you were hit like that by a wave of grief/regret/sorrow. It goes like that sometimes I think - one minute you're doing fine, next minute something totally unexpected gets you. I think if you're generally in a good place, your barriers start to lower a bit and then when something gets you, it gets you good and hard! It took you by surprise, hence the frustration and anger.

Like the others have said though, 18 months isn't long really. I think eventually the pain will go away, yes, but not necessarily the memories. In time though, the memories will lose the power to upset you. You sound as if you're doing so well.

CatBallou2 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:36:04

Don't be angry with yourself. It's not unusual to experience these feelings out of the blue. Every now and then, I crumple with emotions, but like yourself and so many people, I eventually pick myself up and carryon. That's just what we do.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 31-Oct-16 12:11:14

Thanks. But it does annoy me. When it happens it hurts. But apart form that it threatens my future and that's what I hate. It tell me that I cant move on. I know it sounds stupid but its like she died. That woman I loved is just not there anymore. I feel so cheated, so lost. I don't know what happened she just became someone else and when. I hate the bright future that has been lost and the family life the kids have lost. My little girl misses her mum, luckily the boy is too young to know any different.

CatBallou2 Mon 31-Oct-16 13:03:08

Do you speak to anyone about your feelings and thoughts?

I do know what you mean about your future feeling like it's been so altered and that your exP is someone you now don't recognise. But why should you be the one who suffers for her actions? Don't let her control how you feel. There are good times ahead for you and your dear DC's, and you are gong to realise this when you start to recover from this blip.

If I can recommend one thing. See a counsellor, if you're not already doing so, or maybe a support group. Your GP will be able to help you with this.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're only human - sorry, had to be said! Keep on going. You'll get there.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 31-Oct-16 23:45:40

No not really. Definitely no one professional. Sort of thought I am doing just fine. I am I think. But sometimes these things keep coming back to haunt me when I least expect. So maybe I am not doing so well.

Its funny I spent the last few days around my ex with the kids on holiday. We get on fine these days. But it's like someone else stole her body. I feel nothing romantic for the person inside that body. Yes that is a good thing but it's odd all the same. I suppose its confusing when you uncover years of deceit and you don't know what in your relationship was real and what was not. You wonder if that woman you loved so much was ever real. Real or not I guess I still miss the fairy tail of love and marriage. I thought we would we would weather all storms and go old together. Turns out she was not the woman I thought. Although I think others around me had their doubts about her. I must just have poor judgment when it comes to women

EastMidsGPs Tue 01-Nov-16 07:55:35

You are being really hard on yourself when to an outsider it sounds as if you are doing ok.
Try not to over analyse .. you'll just go round in circles, be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 01-Nov-16 08:15:33

Hey 1DAD,

From your previous posts you are doing incredibly well. And give yourself a huge pat on the back for making it through the holiday. I hope the kids had fun.

As others have said it does come round in circles, but eventually I think you reach a place of feeling sort of melancholy, rather than hurt, anger and pain.

That woman I loved is just not there anymore.

This is a very important thing. You are grieving for the death of something, your belief in her, your hopes and dreams and the saddest thing, the hopes for a perfect happy family. Because very few people want to bring children into a life without a solid foundation. I'm sure you also feel very sad about the mother you chose for your children. I know I feel an incredible amount of pain and guilt about the father I chose for my DS. But no one can predict the future, especially of another person.

Take some time to deal with your anger, talk on here, go down to the gym and sweat it out, whatever it takes.

And don't be too hard on yourself, don't lose trust and hope. There are good people out there.

And of course, where there's tea there's hope....brew

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