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Step dad is dead but he abused me.

(10 Posts)
talksensetome Sat 29-Oct-16 21:26:46

My step dad has died and I don't know how to feel.
After our mum died my step dad abused me. It wasn't 'proper' abuse but he would get in my bed in his underwear and touch me through my clothes or put his hands up my top and down my pants but not actually touching my breaststroke or vaginally just really close to them.
Anyway he is dead and I don't know how I should feel or what I should do. I want to be there for my brother who has lost his dad and I want to support him but I don't know how.
My brother found out about the abuse earlier this year, I have kept it secret from him for 17 years but our sister told him. So he knows why it is awkward for me but I don't want it to create distance between us.

RickOShay Sat 29-Oct-16 22:00:27

Be kind to yourself. You don't have to feel anything, and however you do feel is ok, perhaps you will feel sad, relieved, an anxious, it is all ok. Perhaps you could talk to your sister before you talk to your brother, or you could write him a card. Hope you are ok. flowers

talksensetome Sat 29-Oct-16 22:14:03

Thanks Rick, it happened yesterday so I have seen my brother briefly today but I had other visitors too, I just think I should be doing more and I feel confused and sort of upset but I don't know why.

MyEternalSunshine Sat 29-Oct-16 22:24:36

OP try not to minimise sad that was sexual abuse- REAL abuse and I am so sorry that happened to you. I think you're doing the right thing by talking about this, have you ever had counselling? This is no doubt a confusing time flowers

talksensetome Sat 29-Oct-16 23:04:11

No counselling, I tried to keep it as secret, we had lost our mum, I didn't want my brother to lose his dad too if that makes sense.
I wouldn't even know how to access counselling or if it would help.

MyEternalSunshine Sun 30-Oct-16 07:36:46

OP I completely understand your thinking and it was incredibly selfless of you to do that. Now he has passed this would be the time to seek help for yourself. Counselling I think is a fantastic outlet for people- talking to a confidential non judgemental third party who is qualified in abuse (and preferably bereavement as well) could do you wonders. It usually feels a little strange at first- telling all this personal information to a stranger, but after your first session a lot of people emerge from the room a little bit taller having offloaded some of their emotional burdens. A lot of the benefit is just being able to talk things out- it helps to make sense of things in your own head. You sound like you are in somewhat of a denial stage at the moment which is completely natural- and very common for victims of abuse, perhaps it is easier to try and believe it wasn't abuse at all. Your first port of call will be a GP- I would recommend making an appointment with yours and asking them if you can be booked in to see an NHS counsellor or atleast put on the waiting list for one. Failing this you can go private- try googling for counsellors in your living area maybe send out a few emails see if you're drawn to anyone/feel comfortable with one? And they should help you from there. This is important OP- YOU are important. flowers I wish I could help you further sad

JsOtherHalf Sun 30-Oct-16 10:55:39

It might be worth contacting napac?

napac.org.uk

talksensetome Sun 30-Oct-16 11:34:02

Thank you so much for replying. I have gone through life ignoring difficult things that have happened to me, people always comment on how strong I am but it's just not facing things.
We have a counselling phone line through work, I don't think they are specialists in any area but it's free to access and confidential.
I guess I just wouldn't know where to start and that is what scares me. If I finally admit I am bit fine I might fall apart.

MyEternalSunshine Sun 30-Oct-16 11:44:12

Sometimes we have to fall apart so we can put ourselves back together again smile that phone line sounds like a good idea, remember it's baby steps- no one expects you to be able to share everything right away. Maybe your first step is admitting to yourself that you were abused. Real abuse. Happened to you. Good luck OP flowers

talksensetome Sun 30-Oct-16 12:03:00

Thanks eternal I will think about giving them a call. I am just scared of poking the bear, waking sleeping dogs or whatever.

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