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How to make it stop

(15 Posts)
Mrs2ndbest Sat 29-Oct-16 20:31:39

My partner has just lost his job. Last two weeks he's been searching for work and he's definitely depressed. I can feel myself slowly being dragged down with him. He is horrible to be around and is so negative about everything. We are a family of 5 and he feels a lot of pressure due to being the bread winner. His role is very high level and not easy to come by. We have about 6 months of money before we lose our home.
What can I do to not get dragged down? Not matter how I react, behave or talk to him it doesn't change. He will not talk to anyone and doesn't even want our family to know what has happened. I've had to confide in my brother because I needed to talk it through. Pls help, can feel myself

BlackSwan Sat 29-Oct-16 20:34:06

What if you downsized now? Would that take the pressure off finding a new role straight away?

category12 Sat 29-Oct-16 20:56:42

Are you working?

Mrs2ndbest Sat 29-Oct-16 20:58:54

I work part time. We have 3 kids under 5. My earning potential is no where near anything he makes.

Montane50 Sat 29-Oct-16 21:02:38

Hes lost his job and is under pressure to provide for his family while clearly depressed. Its a traumatic time for him, meanwhile you're worried about being dragged down by him?
Do you work?
Can you downsize?
Will your mortgage provider allow a payment holiday?
Could you be more supportive?

Montane50 Sat 29-Oct-16 21:05:18

X post sorry-so you work part time, could you increase your hours? Redundancy turns your world upside down and the life you used to lead may now be gone. Its how you deal with it as a couple that will define your future

category12 Sat 29-Oct-16 21:22:39

It's only 2 weeks, so he's bound to be shell-shocked and negative, if the job loss was unexpected. Was it his fault? Was he dismissed, I mean, rather than made redundant? If it was his fault, I can understand why you would feel unsympathetic. It is also unfair of him whatever the case to expect to keep it secret.

I think, you might consider taking on more hours yourself so he has the option of finding something less demanding/high-level and hopefully easier to find - and also it helps slow the drain in your finances.

pallasathena Sat 29-Oct-16 21:23:56

Your username is heartbreaking, does it indicate other tensions within the relationship maybe? If so, then you could think about addressing why you think you're Mrs Second best because its a really sad way to feel about yourself.
As for the dilemma you find yourself facing many people have been where you are and managed to find solutions. It really isn't the end of the world you know.
First thing, contact the mortgage company and ask them to give you a payment holiday. Secondly, draw up a frugal budget for the next six months, stick to it and sell stuff you don't need or particularly want on eBay.
Its amazing how little bits of money here and there add up.
Next, your husband. Get him down the doctors because he sounds as if he's spiralling into a depression and desperately needs some help.
Try and be strong, it isn't the end of the world: its just life throwing those curve balls that we all try to dodge then wham! one's just landed and you have to deal with it. We've all been there...
Tell him he needs to be resilient. Tell yourself you need to become resilient and he needs to talk things through with you. He's very likely in total denial about what's happened so if you can involve a third party somehow, it might help him to talk things through.
The not wanting to tell family is to do with shame, appearances, he could be traumatised with exhibiting such an isolating reaction - or maybe the wider family are nor hugely supportive? Only you can say what's going on there.
He needs support. He's in crisis. He needs to know that you're on his side. Are you?

vdbfamily Sat 29-Oct-16 21:44:21

My husband took 2 years to find a job when he was made redundant and he was very low in mood. I upped my hours to full time as there was no point is both being at home. We survived by tightening belts and at the end of the 2 years he landed himself a better job which was home based so saved us the cost of a season ticket and I have stayed pretty much full time as he is now at home when kids return from school.

Mrs2ndbest Sat 29-Oct-16 22:36:36

Well he's just told me he hates his life and wants everyone to leave him alone. Tonight's made me realise how bad he is. I'm actually quite worried.
Yes of course I'm on his side. That's why I don't want to get dragged down so I can stay strong for him.
I'm a SAHM and the hours I work are from home and all the time. I can't increase them. Our kids are also in private school. The money I make pays for their school fees.

Shriek Sun 30-Oct-16 11:55:27

Its a start that you have spoken and he's expressed the depth of feeling he has.

There is only so much you can do if he wont partner you.

Make your own plan. You can clearly live financially independently on the money you are making, with big changes to your lives. Have you spoken to the school about your situation? There are many nettles to be grasped but you can supoort yourselves and not be on the street but undoubtedly changes. Present your plan of action to him to face things and take action. You have to set deadlines for these things so you remain in control of it all.

If he wont/cant engage in the process or counselling you will have no choice but to push ahead with it yourseld with your own suppoorts from your friends and family and his?

Him not facing it means you'll have to whilst he either gets support for himself or not.

Also really sad about your name. Is this some reflection of your marital situation?

Make sure you have lots of support to act. Have you checked on Moneysavingexpert for this situation? They have it all on there.

Take a step at a time theres a lot to consider.

Keep posting with progress.

Mrs2ndbest Sun 30-Oct-16 12:26:21

Yeah there's a lot that's happened in the past with him having cheated.

His behaviour is completely impossible at the moment. Last night he was snoring and it kept waking the baby. I asked him to sleep downstairs but he refused. So I had to end up taking our baby into a cold room with 3 blankets to keep him warm. I hardly slept as I was on the side of the sofa hanging off. When I explained this he said it was my choice to go.

I actually feel like I want to leave him. He keeps telling me to shut up and stop moaning. I'm not moaning, I'm trying to work through things to make our relationship better. He shooting at the kids and I'm miserable.

OnTheEdgeOfItAll Sun 30-Oct-16 12:38:14

Why do you stay? How is it better to be with such a selfish shit? Kids don't NEED private school, it is not a necessity. Maybe look at other options for September, speak to the school there may be contingency plans?
If you would be happier without him, then do it. Happy mum is better for the children than unhappy parents

Mrs2ndbest Sun 30-Oct-16 12:45:09

I'm literally sat on the stairs crying while lunch is cooking. He doesn't even notice or seem to care. My feelings are such an inconvience and nuisance to him.
If I had the money I would leave tomorrow.
My daughter has some issues with learning and other things. We chose a private school because she gets so much more attention than she would at an over subscribed school nearby.
I just need my mum right now and she's not here for another month.

BlackSwan Sun 30-Oct-16 15:42:20

He sounds like he's being a prick. But he also sounds depressed. Tell him to man up and take care of your family. Don't sit around and cry, have a go at him for being self indulgent. He needs to take control of the situation or you will sink. If it means making hard decisions like selling up or changing schools so be it. He also must go to the GP about his mood. I would also feel like leaving him, but I know that's going to be very tough unless you have good family support, with childcare and financially.

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