Namechanged for this
I've been with my DW for 10 years (same sex relationship), she has children who have lived with us the entire time and I've been a very involved parent to them. We have a 2 year old together now (I'm birth mother). We have had a lot of friction over the past couple of years. DW was diagnosed with depression when our DC was 6 months old and is still taking anti-depressants.
We have had a lot of rows, mostly over her heavy drinking and sometimes over money. We have tried to work through them as best as possible, they are usually quite epic but we make up afterwards. Things aren't always resolved though, as it's often the same issues that come up the next time. She says she will cut down the drinking and it's not as bad as it was but it is still very heavy (10-20 units 4-5 days a week).
Recently, we had a big row and didn't speak for days. When we argue, she tells me she wants to split up and she's had enough. When we make up, she says that's not the case and told me this time that she just flips out and says it to hurt me and told me she never wants to lose me.
She has been acting weirdly with money recently and I caught her ripping up her bank statement and hiding it in the bin so I fished it out later and she's overdrawn by a couple of thousand pounds. Aside from the drinking, I fail to see how she can have racked up this much debt in a year. She has approx £700-800 left after bills each month so even with her heavy drinking, this should be enough to see her through.
I was really suspicious and stupidly decided to check her emails to see if I could glean any info. I know this was wrong, I'd be mad if she did it to me, though there's nothing to hide in my emails/texts/messages anyway. I found a lot messenger notifications from an online friend I knew she had. I can only see his side, not what she's sending him but it's clear that it is a two-way conversation. Some are very sexually explicit, again it's clear that she's sending similar stuff because of his responses. They have discussed the possibility of meeting up for sex but from what I can tell, have not done so yet.
They have not had this kind of conversation since we made up from the argument and I'm planning to monitor it for a while and see whether they continue it when we're not arguing. It's really hard to keep up the pretence of being happy with her though, it plays on my mind all day long. I feel completely betrayed.
I want to let her know I know at some point but I know how she will react and she'll make out like I'm just as much in the wrong for snooping. I know I'm not (though not blameless) but it will be turned around to that.
I don't know what advice I want really. I just wanted to get it out. I don't know if I want to leave, but I don't know if I can look at myself if I stay. Leaving throws up a whole other set of problems that I'm not sure I'm ready to confront.
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DW is messaging someone else and other assorted shite
8 replies
flamencina · 29/10/2016 19:36
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