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How seriously should I take his exes advice to me?

(99 Posts)
YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 08:38:01

Before I start, its not about either of us feeling threatened by each other or her wanting him back. She seems like a really nice, straightforward woman and in different circumstances we'd probably be friends.

I've been seeing a man properly for a few weeks although we've been friends for a while. Things are going well and there's been no game playing or anything stupid. Just us having a good time.

I met his ex at a kids Halloween thing (we both have children) yesterday and we got chatting. I mentioned how involved and good he was with his daughter and she gave me a bit of a look and told me not to rely on those attributes too much and to keep my eyes open confused. I don't doubt she meant it as good advice but I think their breakup has clouded her view of him. I'm not looking for a new dad for ds but I'd like to think anyone I'm seeing would be a good Dad. He does loads for his daughter and they share contact so I'm not really sure why she said it or what she meant.

Would you take this sort of 'advice' to heart?

Tryanythingonce16 Sat 29-Oct-16 08:44:17

I would say exactly the same to anyone who told me my exh was good with his children.

I would heed what she says ie keep your eyes open. She was polite enough not to tell you the details but she knows the truth.

Berthatydfil Sat 29-Oct-16 08:47:51

Hmmm at the very least I would file it mentally.
It amazes me that being a good involved father is something that can be praised - surely it's natural and an expectation ??
It's early days he could be doing some performance parenting to impress you. It could be that the reason they broke up had nothing to do with his parenting and more to do with what kind of a partner he is. You're in the early stages of a relationship so both of you are going to be on best behaviour.
However her perspective and yours will naturally differ after all they did decide not to be in a relationship anymore whereas you are starting off.

Fewerofwhomithinkwell Sat 29-Oct-16 08:48:50

Sounds like she's trying to warn you. If you don't think she has anything to gain by saying this then consider why she would. Ultimately keep a keen eye on your new DP and judge for yourself.

chipsandpeas Sat 29-Oct-16 08:54:33

i used to work with a guy who on the face of it would have been considered a good father, talked all the time about his kid, bought stuff mentioned what they had done at the weekend
what he didnt tell us was for neatly a year he had to have contact at a supervised centre as hee had violent tendancies when his ex left him, threatening behaviour etc and half the time when he had his kid at the weekend when he was allowed unsupervised visits his family looked after her

shes trying to warn you about something, something as well that if you question him there is deniablity as she hasnt said anything

why and how long ago did they split up....or whats his story

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 29-Oct-16 08:56:25

Oh, my ex's ex said similar to me at the beginning and I so wish I'd listened to her! I don't regret our relationship but everything she told me was true.

How does he refer to his ex? Are they amicable or does he paint her in a negative light? I wouldn't necessarily do anything straight away but I would keep a mental note of it.

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:00:28

bertha my ex wasn't always the best dad so I'm aware my expectations are quite low but I've seen my boyfriend with his dd and know he loves and provides for her.

chips they split about a year ago but I don't know why. Seems a bit early to ask.
He doesn't seem to have a story. Just a nice bloke who works and has his dd a few times a week.

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:03:08

hermione he's really easy going and I've never heard him say a bad word against her. He says she's very organised and got a bit fed up with him dragging his heels and being a bit immature.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 29-Oct-16 09:03:50

Her comment sounds remarkably restrained, and she's not telling you what to think, just telling you to use your own judgement.

Which is my advice too: trust your own instinct and measure things according to your own values. If all seems good to you now, great : that means it's working for you. And if ever things stop working for you, then you'll know it's not for you.

You are the only judge of what works for you.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 29-Oct-16 09:05:09

I'd listen very carefully

Hope everything else is going well Jesse

SleepyHare Sat 29-Oct-16 09:06:14

I'd ignore her and form my own opinion.

skyyequake Sat 29-Oct-16 09:07:40

When my dad was first going out with a girl she told me she wished she had as great a relationship with her dad as I did because we were obviously "really close"... I looked at her a bit like this confusedhmm

My dad was completely absent for the first 10 years of my life. The only reason I saw him at all was because of my nan (his mum) but 99% of the time he was hungover and sleeping on the sofa. He's improved a lot now but at the time she said it to me he was only just beginning to realise how much he had failed me in early life. He said all the right things about how much he loved me and would do anything for me and that clearly clouded her view. Unfortunately we'll never have a true father-daughter relationship now as its simply too late, but we do get along really well now and I obviously love him as he's my dad!

Just be aware that sometimes appearances aren't everything and whilst he might have his heart in the right place regarding his DD that doesn't mean he's being or has been a brilliant parent. Also don't fall for the Disney Dad routine... I expect that's exactly what my XPs next gf will fall for when he finds someone new to reel in.

TheNaze73 Sat 29-Oct-16 09:10:09

I'd ignore her completely.

Hidden agenda there, I think

Joysmum Sat 29-Oct-16 09:19:15

I think you need to keep your eyes open, which ant the same as taking it to heart. No harm in that so I don't see what the big deal is?

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:20:12

Thanks costa alls good smile
Mixed responses here. I think I'll keep in mind what she said but just bare in mind me and her are quite different and I can imagine her getting frustrated with his character traits I find quite sweet.

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:22:18

skyy I've seen him before we started going out, more with his dd than without and she adores him.

BlueBlueSkies Sat 29-Oct-16 09:23:44

Listen to what she said and keep your eyes open.

I would probably say similar about my ex, he would also say that I was very organised.

My ex does love the kids and has lots of fun with them, but the hard stuff, the taking responsibility and organising is still left to me, 9 years after divorce. The fun stuff is easy.

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:27:00

The thing that worries me long term is that neither of us are organised grin

skyyequake Sat 29-Oct-16 09:28:32

How old is she Jesse? Because I thought the sun shone out of my dads arse till I was old enough to realise that it wasn't right

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:29:41

Both our kids are 3.

TheWoodlander Sat 29-Oct-16 09:37:59

She's warning you. You have only been with him a short time, presumably he's still in 'best behaviour' mode.

skyyequake Sat 29-Oct-16 09:40:52

Right, so she's going to adore her dad whatever he's like at the moment! I agree with BlueBlue, too many dads at the moment are considered "wonderful" because they take their kids down the zoo and do pretty hairstyles on their DDs... The fun stuff is the easy bit! I'm not saying your DP is like this, simply that it may be something to watch out for!

abbsismyhero Sat 29-Oct-16 09:41:00

i tried to warn my dad's second wife she ignored me he battered the living shite out of her

my ex was arrested for something very nasty everyone says what a good and dedicated father he is and how its obvious he is still in love with me and why is he not allowed around my teenage daughter is something thats never questioned............

diddl Sat 29-Oct-16 09:48:41

How how have you seen him with his daughter enough to know that he's a great dad?

I mean out & about doing something fun it can be easy to be a great parent.

Being the one at home with them with all the responsiblity might be a different matter.

YoJesse Sat 29-Oct-16 09:53:31

He does do pretty hairstyles on her misses point seriously I will take what she said on and be aware.

We met through our kids as they go to the same nursery school, so until we actually went on a date he was always with her. I've taken ds round for play dates loads of times and he's always seemed like a great Dad.

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