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How to classify this experience? (possibly triggering)

(10 Posts)
darkdrawn Fri 28-Oct-16 23:13:23

Years ago when I was first pregnant with dc1, the first time we were going to have sex after I found out, I was excited because I knew sex was supposed to be better when you were pregnant. But when we had sex it was horrible, he was rough - shoving me around, just doing his own thing - doing it to me, not with me. I was shocked and upset.

It was years ago, and I don't remember full details - I remember the roughness, being shocked, his weight on top of me and being worried about the baby, and that I felt like he had broken the trust between us. I think that afterwards he couldn't understand why I was upset and said something along the lines of 'you're not going to say I raped you are you?'.

This experience bothered me and affected me for years - we are no longer together. When we talked about it a long time afterwards he said that he can't remember what happened - only that he was angry.

I consented to sex - expecting kind loving sex. I got something completely different which I had not signed up for and would not have agreed to if I'd known. I can't remember if I asked him to stop at any point, but given that he said that he was angry he presumably knew that he was angry at the time and was taking that anger out on me?

I have no idea how to classify this, and I feel like I need to be able to - in my own head. It was minimised for the years we were together, and I couldn't really remember any more than the feelings it left me with, since we split I've been thinking about it more again, and details have been coming back to me.

Happybunny19 Fri 28-Oct-16 23:41:13

Clearly it's really affected you and therefore you have to regard it as a trauma OP. Did your ex ever repeat the abuse?

Would you regard having sex whilst angry to be normal? This is an alien concept to me.

JoJoSM2 Sat 29-Oct-16 01:04:47

A learning experience? - next time it isn't working for you, you'll tell/show the guy what to do or just stop... Some people like rough sex and unless you tell them that you don't want it and want something else, they won't know. perhaps some counselling might help.

Somerville Sat 29-Oct-16 01:18:07

Many women freeze when someone is violent or rough, JoJo so advising that next time a woman is in this situation she shows him what to do or says no isn't realistic.

OP, he knew what it was. He even said it. You consented until it got rough, and st that point you didn't want to have sex and he carried on anyway. That is called rape. Sorry this happened to you.

darkdrawn Sat 29-Oct-16 07:48:05

He did repeat it. The relationship became emotionally and physically abusive and he did rape me once later on as well as using guilt, threats and coercion to get sex.

But it's this one thing. I know it was awful, but I don't know if because I didn't say anything then it wasn't rape - or what, because he knew he was angry, and knew he was taking it out on me during the sex and knew I wasn't enjoying it - I didn't usually lie still. I don't even know that I did lie still , I think I was trying to use my hands to protect my belly. We had never had rough sex before, I had never given any indication that I would enjoy it. He was shoving me around in a way that could not reasonably be expected not to hurt, holding me in positions. Usually I talked during sex, encouraging him, you know. And I certainly said nothing encouraging during this encounter.

I am going to get counselling, I'm having an assessment appointment next week. But this is bothering me again and I can't stop thinking about it, so I thought other people's input might help.

Fewerofwhomithinkwell Sat 29-Oct-16 07:52:43

He abused you whilst pregnant, I'm not surprised you're still upset. Good luck with your counselling.

paddlenorapaddle Sat 29-Oct-16 08:00:15

So sorry this has happened to you sounds like a gateway event that he used to test your boundaries and your natural reaction of shock was used against you.

He also told you what it was abusers do that so they can get off on your distress

Counselling is an excellent place to start, the flash backs sound like ptsd

Have a look at the smart girls guide to self care it's a website it may also help

hesterton Sat 29-Oct-16 08:07:49

It must have been especially distressing because you had just found out that you were carrying a baby. His timing for his first assault (and it was an assault, a sexual assault) coincided with finding out about this. That's very disturbing. Your instinct would have been to protect the baby and freezing without fighting him is a very, very understandable thing to have done.

No wonder you are traumatised. It was beyond cruel, both to you and to his unborn child.

I do hope you can find the support you need to process this and find a way to move it into the past.flowers

Happybunny19 Sat 29-Oct-16 13:37:45

Well given the abuse that followed I'm not surprised it's affecting you still. Just to confirm it was rape, from what you've described you were not a willing participant in sex, you were the victim of an act of violence. You probably froze whilst trying to protect yourself and unborn baby, that's perfectly natural.

Good luck with the counselling.

darkdrawn Sat 29-Oct-16 14:45:09

Thank you for replying. I talked to my mum about it yesterday but I downplayed it to protect her and that left me feeling anxious. I don't want to bore people irl ( or on here either) but it's easier to put down the details in writing behind a screen.

I raised it with my ex partner once or twice but couldn't say what I really felt and ended up feeling like a stupid drama queen. Not that I should have or would now expect any different from him, but at the time I didn't realise the real nature of our relationship.

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