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Does anyone have their Ex/STB-ex visit the kids in their home?

(11 Posts)
RetePetite Fri 28-Oct-16 21:44:55

My husband & I have split recently & currently he has kids every other weekend, and then visits them in our house 2-3 evenings during the week, puts them to bed etc.
My dc are school age & we are still in the marital home (for now) - he is in a 1 bed flat.
Whilst i know I'm lucky the dc have a good dad, I am finding it very hard emotionally having him in the house all the time.
He left me for OW out of the blue.

How am I ever supposed to 'get over him' if he's always bloody there ?!
Should I just suck it up for the kids-sake?

The other issue is that he still treats it as his home. His stuff is still here.
I gave him his toothbrush & slippers to take this evening and he looked at me if I was mad. I know its silly & pedantic but he choose to leave.

Basically I am just grasping for any control of the situation I can get.

Am I being totally irrational ?

Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee Fri 28-Oct-16 21:58:59

Totally irrational allowing him into your home 2 to 3 evenings a week!!
He left you for another woman he has no right to keep you from moving on.
Tell him to take the children out to his place for evening meal or have them overnight in the week.
Give him a date to move out his stuff. Get the house on the market or if rented a new tenancy.
At the minute he is having his cake and eating it.
Sorry you are going through this it must be so hard for you💐💐💐

GingerIvy Fri 28-Oct-16 21:59:34

No. You need to make other arrangements. As long as he has freedom to wander in the house like that, he will not respect it as "your space" and you will feel like he has not left. We did this for awhile and it just didn't work. Is there some reason he can't take them for a few hours in the late afternoon/evening and bring them back for you to put to bed after he leaves? You have a right to your own place, that he is not encroaching on.

HappyJanuary Fri 28-Oct-16 21:59:43

My ex does this too. We get along ok but I am always very down after he leaves, it really sets me back. I'll be interested in your responses.

I do it for the DC, who prefer him hanging out here to taking them out somewhere.

But early on I did stop him treating this house like his home. I packed up all his stuff, he knocks on arrival and is ticked off if he tries to use PC or rummage in the fridge. He did used to look sad about it, but he's used to it now.

I think they miss their home comforts and enjoy getting a little fix. I feel that punishing him by stopping it would ultimately end up punishing the DC. Like I say, no idea if it's right and interested in your replies.

Somerville Fri 28-Oct-16 22:02:29

It's not okay.

He's having his cake and eating it, and probably using the excuse that it is good for the kids so you should continue to accommodate it.

It's not good for the kids - it's bloody confusing. He needs to provide for them separately, not in your home.

He chose to leave and now he needs to leave, and drop them home (and not come in) ready for bedtime.

He also needs to remove all his belongings this weekend.

Retepetite1 Fri 28-Oct-16 22:27:36

Sorry for delay - slight technical hitch.

Thank you for what you are saying about having his cake & eating it - I was beginning to think I was being crazy & not supportive of my kids. Its so true what you say HappyJan. If he times it right he even gets dinner, he uses his key for the door and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I should just make him leave.

The other day my in-laws were here after minding the kids and he was in the front room with them & the kids & I was hiding in the freezing office. I can't stand pretending we are Happy Families.

Timing is the issue he gets here about 6 & the kids are in bed by 8 - so not really time for him to take them anywhere. I did think about going out while he was here - go swimming or something. Trying to keep everything amicable because I see the solicitor next week to start the divorce stuff.

In a way I really just want to shout & rage at him, because I never got the chance. He just went & I was shell-shocked. I want to hurt him back but thats not healthy!

Cary2012 Fri 28-Oct-16 22:41:52

My ex used to just let himself into my home to see the kids.

I hated it, hated him feeling he still had the right to walk in uninvited. Yes, before he left for OW and set up home with her, it was his house too, but so what? I'd never pitch up at his!

The day I said no more, contact at a neutral place was the day I really moved on.

It's our home, mine and the kids (and the cats). He's never welcome again.

Somerville Fri 28-Oct-16 22:46:29

Don't go out. It's your home. And frankly all this sets a precedent, if things get to the court stage, that would worry me in your shoes.
Tell him that he chose to leave and not live in the house any more, so he needs to make arrangements to look after the children at his new place or elsewhere as of <date that is very soon - I'd give 48 hours notice>.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Fri 28-Oct-16 22:50:58

I took the approach too when exH left to allow him come to the house in the evenings a couple of times a week to use the wifi, the house phone, and watch telly read the kids bedtime stories. He'd often turn up hangdog looking hopefully for a warmed-up dinner.

Truth be told, the kids missed him and it was a way to keep him involved in their lives when he didn't have a place to bring them.

It wasn't easy, and I had to be firm to stop him taking the piss with the food and the broadband (showing up to 'see the kids' just when the rugby was on telly, and leaving straight after full time, on one memorable occasion) but taking a longer view, for my family I think it was the right thing to do as we set out to co-parent and I personally felt it was a compromise for the greater good.

I offer him first dibs on babysitting for the same reason.

Now when he has the kids, he invites me over to reciprocate (I nearly always decline as I feel uncomfortable in his flat). This weekend, DD's birthday falls on 'his' weekend, and I will show up for the day because for us, we have agreed to set aside differences for the kids to see that the fallout doesn't mean the exclusion of one parent.

Not for everyone, but not necessarily unworkable if you can find a level you are comfortable with.

Retepetite1 Fri 28-Oct-16 22:57:29

Right you've motivated me. I am going to stop being a wimp

His stuff is going and I am going to ask for his key. He won't like it and think I'm being dramatic, but then he should have thought about that before having an affair!

Its a bit like I'm still the wife looking after the house & kids, but he isn't my husband (in the true sense).

Somerville Fri 28-Oct-16 23:05:03

Well done, OP.

No-one should get to leave their marriage and children yet expect to retain a key and storage space in their family home.

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