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We don't talk we used to do

(38 Posts)
gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 18:35:46

DH and I have been married 7 years, together for 12. 2 DCs age 5 and 3. We don't talk to each other unless it's about essential practical stuff e.g. we're having work done on the house so he will say the plumber is coming tomorrow etc. He is good with the kids and works hard, earns well. I work as a part time professional. I think the split of Labour is fairly equal e.g. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and washing but he works more hours, we share bedtimes, he will take them to the park so I can cook a roast etc. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks for a couple of hours to help.
In the evenings we share bedtimes e.g. one child each or take turns so one night he can play squash, the next I can go swimming etc. Often we are both in the house in the evening but he never eats with me. If I start watching tv and he comes in he won't make eye contact and say 'how was your day'. He just sits down on the other sofa. We sleep in separate rooms. I sleep badly and he has a throat clearing habit so I initiated this. We haven't had sex for 2 months. I recently quit drinking and can't think how I would have sex sober. We don't even say good night to each other. Previously I've broken down about the lack of relationship and he has promised to try to talk more to me but it always slides back to this. If I start a conversation I get one word answers. If I hug him he flinches. I stop trying becaysecthe rejection hurts. It's harder now I'm sober, he still drinks and this makes us seem more separate. On paper we have a beautiful house, good jobs, happy children doing well at nursery and school. But I'm so lonely. I don't know what I want. Can anyone shed any light on this? am willing to accept responsibility as I know it's partly my fault.

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 18:46:28

Sorry that is so long. I hope someone can make sense of it.

mallyboo Fri 28-Oct-16 18:49:06

Do you love him OP?

This sounds like a professional parenting relationship as opposed to a marriage. You must be very lonely.

I think you need to sit him down and talk it through, is he as lonely as you or is he happy as things are?

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 18:58:15

Thank you mallyboo for being there. Im very upset at the moment.
I can't bring myself to talk to him tonight but I know I need to. I've done it a few times before periodically, things improve for a little while then he becomes very distant again. Last time I said, would you prefer to both have a little flat and share custody of the children an he got very emotional, said no I love you etc, let's try again. But then it gradually slid back to how it is now. We went out for lunch with the kids this week and he just talked to them not to me. I'm kind of used to it. He is going to put the kids to bed as I have a headache. Then he will cook dinner (I do most cooking but he wanted to tonight and her good at it) he will drink beer on his own watching tv all night and go to bed in the spare room. He doesn't think anything is wrong I don't think. Part of me doesn't want to wreck his Friday night being an emotional mess bringing it up. But I know I have to at some point.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Oct-16 19:00:50

Don't suggest a flat like that. Wherever you live, it has to be your own home.

Did he used to talk to you a lot?

I'd feel very lonely in that relationship, especially if he flinches when you touch him. I couldn't get past that.

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 19:01:37

He bought me an expensive eternity ring in the spring. Let me choose it and he paid for it (well, from the joint account but it was his idea). there ws no emotion involved on the purchase. Which is ironic! I wear it but perhaps i shouldn't now. I feel sad when he cuddles our daughter because he had to look at me the way he looks at her.

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 19:07:32

We met as students. We spent loads of time together laughing, going out, staying in, having fun, were best mates. We grew up together really, finished uni, did postgrad courses, bought first house together, now have a lovely home and beautiful children. I think this situation has become the norm for him. He likes having his own space and feels he deserves it because he had worked hard all day and done his share with the children. If I died in a car crash he would just get a nanny or housekeeper and he'd be fine.

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 19:08:24

Sorry imperial I meant to say thanks for replying. Really appreciate your input.

mallyboo Fri 28-Oct-16 19:26:12

I didn't know whether to say this or not but the only time I've flinched when a partner has touched me is if I've fallen out of love. Usually as a result of a drift such as this.

If you want to be with him, and he you, it could be repaired? It sounds like a rut. A huge rut. And two good parents sharing a home.

You don't have to speak to him tonight. Take the night to formulate your conversation. Write it down if it helps, note all the questions you have? Failing you bringing it up again face to face, you could write a letter to him and ask him to read it when you're out?

Iamthinking Fri 28-Oct-16 19:32:50

You didn't answer if you loved him or not. Maybe you don't much at the moment but it could come back.
Fwiw, it sounds salvageable. It doesn't sound like there is unkindness or irritation there. Also I didn't get the impression from your op that you go out at all. Is that the case? If not, what is it like when you are out of the house without the children - does the change of environment get you out of the rut you are in at all?

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 20:05:41

Hi Iamthinking. We went out for our anniversary a couple of months ago. Got a babysitter and had a mealvout. I was still drinking then and had quite a lot. We both enjoyed it and went to bed together at the end of the night. We mostly talked about stuff like doing up the house, holiday plans, the children etc. I would like to go out more regularly. I think he is in a rut of his own too, drinking heavily most evenings. He doesn't see friends at all. I have a reasonable number of good friends who I see during the day with the children and go out in the evening with friends once a month or so. He never does. He's not interested in seeing couples out together or having couples round for dinner really. We did it once in the summer but he tolerated it more than enjoyed it.
This is part of the problem- he's not at all interested when I start talking about my friends or couples I know. We don't have many topics of conversation. He just wants to watch tv on his own and be left alone. I don't think he's depressed as he functions well during the day and at weekends. He plays squash on average once a week. He goes to football with his dad. At our son's birthday party recently he didn't talk to any of the adults. He just sat on his phone. When I asked him to grab the party bags for me (bearing in mind I'd organised the whole party- it was at home) he made a face and grumbled. I just asked him to pass the box from another room.
I don't know if I live him or not. Maybe I don't like him much. But I want to.

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 20:10:44

I should add, I've been sober for 9 weeks and I'm not averse to going out for a meal, I've been in pubs with friends twice in the evening recently and a couple of times out for lunch with DH and the kids during that time so it's not like I'm avoiding places that serve alcohol because I don't drink anymore. But I'm aware that it would be a slightly different evening bearing in mind I would have been more chatty myself with a bottle of wine inside me.
When we went on holiday I couldnt bear to share a bed with him because of his snoring and i really like sleeping on my own now. But it doesn't help with drifting apart obviously. At home the spare room is his room now with all his clothes and I have the other double bedroom with my clothes in it. We basically lead separate lives in the same house.

misscookie Fri 28-Oct-16 21:51:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misscookie Fri 28-Oct-16 21:52:34

*sorry! completely wrong thread!!)**

stupid123 Fri 28-Oct-16 22:17:25

.... misscookie is doing your drinking for you tonight OP :-)

To answer your points though - defo good idea to write a letter as mallyboo said. He cant ignore it and can reflect what your concerns are. Keep letter to 1 page if you can so he can take it in.

Not a lost cause at all I would say from detail you posted so far.

SallyR0se Fri 28-Oct-16 22:25:51

Is alcohol an issue in your house? You mentioned that you can't imagine sex without it. Is there a reason you gave it up? He seems to drink quite a lot...

PickAChew Fri 28-Oct-16 22:30:46

Sadly, I think the fact that you're pretty much settled in separate rooms speaks volumes.

Do both of you want to become closer again enough to make it happen? Even the best relationships have ups and downs, but this is a major down (though the ring might be an indication that he does wish it wasn't). Are you able to converse with him about your relationship in terms which don't involve separate flats and, if so, would he be amenable to joint counselling?

(And I think that misscookie might not be doing the drinking, in which case, thumbs up to misscookie!)

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 22:44:47

Misscookie isn't drinking ☺. I stopped because I wanted to be free of alcohol. I want drinking massive massive amounts, 2 bottles of wine a week or so (more when out). I want to continue living sober but it has made me see things differently. I haven't discussed with him why I stopped, just stopped 9 weeks ago and haven't started again .
He noticed I looked rubbish when I walked past and said are you ok? Kindly. So oerhaps he cares. I am going to talk to him gently. We've been here before a few times. Will have to see how it goes

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 22:45:29

I wasn't drinking huge amounts I mean !

RedMapleLeaf Fri 28-Oct-16 22:52:17

Would you consider counselling?

gottaloveascamhun Fri 28-Oct-16 22:54:34

I think i would. Not sure if he would though. Half the problem is we won't / can't express his feelings to me, so I doubt he would share them with a stranger...I can suggest it, though.

themindbogglesallthetime Fri 28-Oct-16 23:04:31

I really sorry to placemark but i am in the exact same place as you op and I just don't know what to do, reading your post was as if I had wrote this myself. I really wish I had advice for you, but I'm here to hand hold winecakeflowers

milkingmachine1 Fri 28-Oct-16 23:13:16

I can see myself and DH going down the same route. He's much like your DH in that things are fair and he's kind etc but I think we are drifting apart and I'm drinking more because I'm on my own most evenings (DH works late most nights) and I'm not sure he's physically attracted to me. We have sex infrequently. He never compliments me.
I hope you can both turn things around. It sounds as though your relationship is based on a solid foundation.

Sending flowerscakechocolate your way

themindbogglesallthetime Fri 28-Oct-16 23:14:14

Just read through the last 2 comments & could you possibly phone 'healthy minds?" They offer free relate counselling. You'll have to wait in a waiting list but if you register then tell your DP if he says no it gives him time to come around to it. (If he still refuses to go, you can go alone) I really feel for you as I'm going through the same atm and I know how difficult it can be. We are current sleeping on n separate rooms but I know he has an incling to work this out. I just hope you can to op x

hermione2016 Sat 29-Oct-16 00:17:39

How did the separate rooms come about? Did you discuss it, try this get a solution for his snoring?

I just think if not handled sensitively it would have sent a message of rejection.

It really seems like you could salvage this as perhaps you are just coming out of the fog of baby years.

You can't change him but why not try some affection even a gentle touch would be a start, suggest you both find something to do one evening together.

This distance could be a habit that has evolved and you just need to break it with a more positive habit.

I am going through a separation and it's not easy, you definitely want to feel you have tried every avenue before giving up.A marriage can descend quickly without nurturing but don't wait for him.Try for a fixed period of time, maybe a month at least.

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