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Myself and my cheating husband?

(20 Posts)
Emilyvokes910 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:34:49

Hi. hmm

This is long. Please take time to read this if you have the time. I am in desperate need to help I am braking down.

Been together 5 years and married 2 years. Have a two year old boy. Been living together for 2 years.
(Don't ask what made me marry him, I guess because I love him) but since the very beginning of our relationship I have always found my husband sneaky. At the beginning he was always out with his friends, choosing them over me, choosing anything over me, didn't like to be seen with me by his friends. Had kids of fights but I guess he was just young and having fun? I'm now 26 and he's 28. At the beginning we were both in university so he was having the time of his life.

- we graduated and moved out of uni. Stayed together though. But during them university days like I said I had a strong feeling he was up to stuff behind my back. I went through his phone and saw him flirting with girls within the uni campus. Had our fights but we graduated and things got more serious. I can't remember all the stuff he has done behind my back to me but I'll point out the more serious ones and the most recent one that has had me in tears I am heartbroken sad

- During my pregnancy he wasn't really there. He use to say he will "try" and make it to the scan. I would get annoyed and moan at him and because of me moaning he would threaten to not come at all.
- I had a bad pregnancy had UTI's growth scans sickness and I never complained I just got on with it, but when I use to run to the bathroom during the night to be sick he use to get angry because I always woke him up.
- he use to stay out til early hours in the morning with his friends whilst I'm at home alone heavily pregnant.
- almost missed the birth because I was 11 days overdue and he decided to go to Amsterdam with his friends for 2 nights. He made it back just in time though.

So our son was born September 2014 and I saw a change in him. Little did I know it was fake, November 2014 just 2 months after he went out one morning for a "haircut", I can't remember what it was about but we argued this morning and he left in a mood, I tried calling him later on that day & his phone was switched off. Thought it had died. Tried again and again and I started to get worried when midnight ish came, I thought he would stumble in around 3am but I woke up and he still wasn't home and phone still off.

Now call me weird but when we first met in university, I made a fake Instagram account up and added all of his girl friends that he had on his Instagram to see who he was flirting with. & at this time I happened to still go on it & check even though he said he had deleted it he lies a lot. And I happened to log onto it after not hearing off him in a few days after his phone went off, and a girl from Switzerland that he use to like most of her pics & we use to argue about it, uploaded a picture a few hours ago of her and my husband in a club in Amsterdam! So he went out that morning got on a plane and met this girl!
To this day two years on he still says nothing happened between them, I also contacted this girl a year later and asked her she said no they're just friends but haven't spoke in a year.

Anyway, it's been two years since all this and I thought we were happy than ever.
Around 6 months ago that sick feeling in my stomach came back so I sneaked through his phone whilst he was asleep and I saw such disgusting things.

Him masterbating and sending it to girls on snapchat / dating apps, him receiving dirty pictures and videos. Talking disgusting to women online. Disrespecting me his "wife" to them. I read comments like "meet me in the basement in 5 minutes" while he's at work. He says to this day he never met anyone.
I woke him up and we had a huge argument he left the house and didn't return til the next day.

And after having a long talk after that and him looking at me in the eyes with such a serious face telling me he's done with all that and wants to be a family and he loves me I began to trust him again.
Until last week - I go into the bath around 9PM and he's in the next room "watching TV". We go to bed that night and whilst he's standing in front of the bed getting his work clothes ready for the next day, his phone lit up 3 times next to me...I had a look and saw 3 notifications on the front of his phone from the same girl on an app called Okcupid. Oh wow I was left devastated. After everything he has put me through and all the promises he did it again. I just held his phone up and showed him he grabbed it off me and said he downloaded it at work today to delete it but forgot. His story changed twice. He downloaded it whilst I was in the bath and was talking to girls in the next room.

This all happened last week. I know what you'll all say. Divorce him. Yes I know it's the right thing to do but I feel so weak like I love him and find it hard to leave. I am so broken and feeling so down at the moment I'm full of anger and hurt. He refuses to talk to me about it and acts like I'm crazy and he says if I don't believe him then that's his problem.
How does one get the strength to leave somebody they love so much? It's been 5 years of hell but I still can't find it in me to leave. I'm worried he will go to another woman but he's doing that anyway.
How do people do it I'm stuck and hurting so much sadsadsadsadsad

Emilyvokes910 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:35:44

At the top I meant had loads of fights, not kids

noego Fri 28-Oct-16 14:46:35

That's not love that your describing hon, stop kidding yourself. Your fear of the future is stopping you making the right decision. An abused person will always try to get closer to the abuser because they are looking for validation/craving the love from them/fear of rejection. The abused person should always go in the other direction. I.e. Away from the situation Good luck

lollylou2876 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:47:50

Agree with nogoe

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Oct-16 14:51:34

You don't love him. You're obsessed with him - there's a real difference. Think of a heroin addict and their relationship to heroin - you're in the same situation and just like the addict, the only cure is cold turkey.

loobyloo1234 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:00:58

You should have just called this post 'my cheating husband' - this isn't about you. He has checked out. You need to find the strength to end this marriage and walk away. For the sake of your child

PiSeas Fri 28-Oct-16 15:09:19

You are worth so much more than this. Why settle for someone who doesn't love you and has zero respect for you? And by you allowing yourself to be treated like this shows him you have zero respect for yourself by letting him cheat so obviously and freely.
What would you tell a friend if they were in this situation? What about your DS? would you be happy with him carrying on like this in the future? Do you think that you don't deserve better than this cheating pile of puke?

This thread is fantastic. Have a read through it. Empower yourself. You're better than this

NotTheFordType Fri 28-Oct-16 15:15:01

If you require a monogamous relationship, you need to seek it with someone else. This man will never be sexually faithful to anyone. The only thing you will get out of him is lies and trying harder to cover his tracks.

You're worth so much more than this prick.

Bettyboo102 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:18:24

Unfortunately and sadly, the consistent message in your post is allow someone to treat you like shit and they will, over and over again.

adora1 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:18:36

Go to your family and friends OP they will help give you the strength to get away from him; he's vile and has been cheating for years; nothing will change, in fact, I'd guess he will soon piss off with one of them anyway and you will be left alone and even more devastated.

I think you are in deep shock and want to hang on to what you thought you had with him but it's all based on lies, he's never been trustworthy or loyal so what is the point.

You will have to be strong and do the right thing for yourself; he will destroy you in the end otherwise.

Helpisathand13 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:22:10

Oh Emily, what a dreadful time you have had with him. I am sorry you ate going through this horrible time and you have tolerated it for so long. I agree with other posters you are worth so much more, he doesn't define you, you do. You have explained your feelings and situation really well and logically answering many of your own questions and thoughts. You know what you need to do follow your head and truly your heart. Put yourself and DS first your happiness, security and love comes before the negativity DH is dragging you into that is dominating your lives and stopping you living. Much love and care x

HazelBite Fri 28-Oct-16 15:28:09

You are incredibly young and I'm guessing if you have been with him since uni you were very young when you got together.
You don't sound like you have much self worth to allow yourself to be treated like this, why would you stay with anyone who has so little regard for you.
You have a lot of life ahead of you don't spend any more of it being miserable, think of your Dc, no child deserves a miserable parent with no self respect.
I got married when I was very young and soon discovered that my H didn't really like me, I was very unhappy for a year until something snapped inside and I decided I deserved better, a lot better.
Long story short, I have now been happily married to my second husband for over 30 years.
Think logically, you cannot love someone who has so little regard and respect for you as a PP said it isn't love its fear of the unknown, you are married, you have a child together and...and...
Start thinking hard about what you want for your future, but don't include him in it.
You let him get away with his bad behaviour years ago and he will continue to do it as long as you stay with him, go on rip "the plaster" off now if not sooner
Good luck

candyhills75 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:30:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ToTheCrystalDome Fri 28-Oct-16 15:36:13


FurryLittleTwerp Fri 28-Oct-16 15:45:42

SPAM alert - Dr BABA eh? It was Dr Unity yesterday hmm

FurryLittleTwerp Fri 28-Oct-16 15:47:04

OP - your H is really taking the piss now. Please get some real life advice & leave him. You & your little boy will be fine.

CoolCarrie Fri 28-Oct-16 15:48:02

Candy Hills, is that like candy crush! 😉 It it a full moon tonight, or is it because it's nearly Halloweve?

thisisafakename Fri 28-Oct-16 15:49:46

Um yeah, helpful candyhills

OP, I think you need to accept that he will never change. If you want that sort of life, then fair enough, but remember that no matter how much you cry and shout at him, he will never put you and your DC first. What if he meets a girl on one of his dating sites and leaves you? Be the bigger person and put an end to this horribly toxic relationship as soon as possible. Also bear in mind that your DC will be witnessing their father's treatment of you and grow up thinking this is normal.

chickenowner Fri 28-Oct-16 15:51:20

He will never stop this kind of behaviour, and I think you already know this.

Leave him. You will have a happier life without him.

Mishaps Fri 28-Oct-16 15:53:54

Oh for goodness sake ditch him - why are you asking Mumsnet posters? - you know darn well what to do.

Do you think that you are worth so little that you should be subjected to this nonsense?

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