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To give DH 2nd chance or not

(44 Posts)
Anne09 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:05:48


Seeking advice here please.
Long story short- been with DH for 6 years, married for 3, DS one years old. Since birth of our DS DH has been suffering with PND (yes, happens to men too), he did not expect our lives would change so much and that I would have less time for him. Just before our DS turned one I have found out he is seeing someone else on the side, he says it is his coping mechanism as he doesn't have any friends and he already lost me as a friend because I can't dedicate as much time to him as I used to before. He swears and promises that they just 'chat' and it helps him to feel happy at home (I don't believe this for a second). He is begging for a second chance and promises to show he is a good dad and a husband.
My worry is he will hurt me in future, my heart is already broken and I know life is too short to stay with someone who puts himself and his needs above his family and wife. Equally I don't want to be selfish and I need to think about our DS having both parents. Still in shock and can't believe this has happened to us, we were so strong and I honestly didn't see it coming sad

faffalotty Fri 28-Oct-16 10:33:24

Sorry to hear this.

My concern would be that from what you have said he isn't sorry for what he has done - he is making excuses and even blaming you. Unless he takes full responsibility for what he has done and shows that he will work hard to regain your trust then I don't think you should even consider giving him a second chance. The situation will likely repeat itself in the future.

It is not being selfish to separate. Your DS will still have 2 parents.

Have you got any friends or family who you can call on today?

Anne09 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:58:13

Thank you faffalotty. He does say he is sorry and regrets he has put me through this (note - regrets he hurt my feeling, but not thr fact he has done it) , he keeps on trying to justify himself to why he has done it. I have friends and family, but majority of friends don't have kids and it's harder for them to relate. If I was on my own I would have just packed my bags and left.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Oct-16 11:02:03

PND is a specific type of depression that does not affect anyone except the person who gave birth. He might be pissed off that you don't give him attention and he might be depressed, but he doesn't have PND.

I'd send him on his way. He's not sorry and it's very likely it'll continue. He's not happy that you don't have as much time for him (this is a man with literally no imagination or commonsense) and if you stay together that situation will continue. He has to grow up and put others first, instead of expecting to be always first himself.

passmyglass Fri 28-Oct-16 11:04:18

Yes I would. Obvs on the proviso that he stops seeing ow totally, agrees to go to couples counseling and accepts that he needs to stop being such a self-absorbed arsehole pitying himself for the lack of attention he's getting and instead focuses on giving attention to you and your child. Once you have kids, you really only get what you give out in family life. Having our first dc was awful for my relationship with dh in similar ways to you, for the best part of the first year. But we both worked at it and through it. We are now expecting dc3 and i couldn't be happier- he is my soulmate. If there is hope, and it sounds like there is, you should both give it your best shot.

stitchglitched Fri 28-Oct-16 11:09:29

He has attempted to 'medicalise' his selfishness and cheating. He begs for another chance yet still tries to justify his behaviour. I couldn't see a way past being so badly let down at a time when I needed him most.

adora1 Fri 28-Oct-16 11:14:43

He is pathetic, he's a cheat and is using PND as an excuse, up to you OP but he sounds completely selfish so I'd not worry that you are looking that way, you are not a cheat are you?

loinnir Fri 28-Oct-16 11:52:42

Agree with adora1 he is an out and out cheat! PND my *ss. He is conning you - he cheated because he made the choice to do so not because of a medical condition.

Anne09 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:05:19

Thank you all - yes , he is selfish beyond belief and I always knew this. I just could have not imagined to be let down when I needed him the most. He says he feels so lonely and I am so busy etc etc. I have tried to give attention and affection but he feels trapped and feels there is a void he needs to fill outside the house. I don't have this problem as I am very outgoing and have a lot of friends, but he is more of a loner, so omce he finds "free ears" he will clong on to them. My question is to is it worth trying to give second chance or will I regret his in 5,10,15 years as the selfishness will not just magically disappear.. Gutted as thought he was a great husband until we had DS. It's like I don't even recognise him anymore..

Aussiebean Fri 28-Oct-16 12:10:59

He has given you a pretty clear indication of what he will do the next time things are tough for him.

He will have an affair and blame you.

So your next baby, death in the family, illness, unemployment or anything that will divert your attention from him will result in this behaviour.

Up to you if that is what you want in the future

BummyMummy77 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:20:50

He sounds very selfish. I would leave now while your child is young enough to not miss him. And before you invest more time on someone who cares more about himself than you both.

Horrible though. sadflowers

Stilltryingtobeme Fri 28-Oct-16 12:31:55

My husband is a "loner" too. He has friends but doesn't really talk to them at all. We have two children and are going through a tough time. He doesn't feel the need to go anywhere else! When he's feeling low he talks to me and we work it out! As do I! Why didn't your husband say "I'm feeling really low, I know it's normal to have less attention when baby arrives but can we try to make time for us?". Because he's a selfish git obviously.... hmm

EnoughAlready43 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:52:52

He sees this all as your fault. any future stumbling blocks, that the rest of us can cope with in a civilised way, will all be blamed on you.
looks like you have yourself a man-child. I'd bin him.

BantyCustards Fri 28-Oct-16 13:09:54

Bin him. He's taking no responsibility at all for his actions.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 28-Oct-16 13:13:03

He sounds like a right selfish cock. How could you even look at him after this? How can you not sneer when he tells you he had to touch another woman because he hasn't got any friends and you don't give him enough attention now you've got a baby? I think I would actually laugh out loud then make a WTF face. How could you stay with him? Seriously what would you feel like every time he looked at you?

ijustwannadance Fri 28-Oct-16 13:17:26

Depression or not, I just couldn't get past a grown man whinging because he's not getting enough attention. Poor fucking baby.

DonaldStott Fri 28-Oct-16 13:22:54

He is having at the very least, an emotional affair. And its all your fault for having a baby. Oh boohoo, he feels neglected. Selfish prick. Maybe if he got involved more in family life, than looking for attention outside of the marriage, he wouldn't feel so lonely. Sounds like if you stay with him, you will have two babies to look after. He has already checked out of the marriage, and his child. Prick.

ahsan Fri 28-Oct-16 13:38:47

Op he has proven to you that he is a liar, cheat and doesn't take any responsibility for his actions, bin him. Was with a man that never took any responsibility and it honestly was a nightmare. If you don't bin him now trust me you'll bin him later while your pregnant with your second or third as every women has a breaking point. No one can live with a man like that, I'd also get yourself checked if he's cheated. Sorry Op hope you feel better soon.

ahsan Fri 28-Oct-16 13:40:24

Everything will trust me always be your fault, never his.

ImSoVeryTired Fri 28-Oct-16 13:41:39

What a selfish man. My partner an I have an 8mth old. My partners mother died in August. We are broke. We are both quite stressed. I have definitely not had as much time for him and intimacy is at an all time low.
However, he loves his son to bits, is not jealous of the attention I give him and miraculously has avoided having an affair. I'm sure he could have had one if he had felt so inclined.

ImSoVeryTired Fri 28-Oct-16 13:45:35

Also, should have added, I would leave a man who did that to me OP. Depression is not an excuse for an affair. He seems immature. His excuses are pathetic and he doesn't respect you. He is only thinking of how HE feels.

greatpumpkin Fri 28-Oct-16 13:54:25

If his excuse for his behaviour is that you now have a child and don't have as much time for him now and he doesn't like it - what is the point of giving him a second chance? What is going to change? You will still have your son and he will still need most of your attention. How does your dh think he will cope with that?

These are really questions for him, not for you, I'm just suggesting you need to challenge him about how he is going to make your relationship work in future, if family life right now is so unrewarding for him that he feels the need to have an emotional affair.

You have my enormous sympathy. I suspect your husband isn't a keeper, but I know it's easy to write that on a chat forum, and incredibly difficult to deal with this happening to you. Just don't let him make you believe this is your fault. It isn't.

ahsan Fri 28-Oct-16 13:57:21

Lol ImSoVeryTired yes your right he's only thinking it so Op will pity him but wasn't thinking about her when he was backstabbing her while neglecting her and having this stupid emotional affair/ or sticking his dingdong into the OW. Makes me sick. He can make an effort to come close to you op but no he decides to get close to some random stranger outside.

ahsan Fri 28-Oct-16 14:00:40

Op do feel your pain as took years of being blamed and was treated badly but when your ready you will set yourself free and will be happy you did it. Take your time op

Anne09 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:39:10

I am overwhelmed by your messages, thank you so much, you are giving me strength. I don't think I have any love or respect left for him. The lying will never stop, it has laways been about him but I haven't seen it so well before we had our baby. I don't want to waste my life and rather be a single mum, nobody deserves to be treated like this. It's like suddenly I have another child on my hands, but except it's a grown ass man. I love our son to bits and will never stop him having a relationship with his dad. I think he had more with the other woman that he says he did, too many inconsistencies and late night and phone hiding.

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