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Commitment phobic coming back again.. so confused

(12 Posts)
Stickytoffeepuddings Thu 27-Oct-16 23:51:11

Ive name changed in case of being outed!
My situation is confusing me, so wanting to put it out here to see how others see it, will try to keep as brief as possible
Had a romance this summer with a friend, we are both single, I knew him before but not really. Romance ended by him for a couple of reasons that didn't really make sense, I was gutted but accepted it as it was his decision and didn't want to push things as we are have a very similar circle of friends and our DC'S are good friends, so didn't want to make a fuss or for things to be awkward (Dc's were friends prior to our romance as his sister would bring them to play, she and I have been friends for over 20years)
So a couple of months of just bumping into him occasionally and a few supportive conversations reguarding someone else not in our immediate circle of friends that he is helping (only because the nature of the situation of said friend he can't discuss with anyone else, did with me because it flaired up while we were together), and nothing else, but I still hold a tourch he for him. Recently we were at a party, I had a feeling something would happen due to the way he was around me the time I saw him prior to the party, I wanted to try to resist his advances at the party but didn't. Since the party there has be a little contact and bumped into him today.... at the party he said he freeked out as he is a bit of a commitment phobic... but now I feel he has me back dangling, he is pretty hopeless at talk taking and except when drunk, but when drunk says flattering things that makes me feel like he really likes me, what would you do? We have another party coming up so my plan is to wait it out till after that then ask him to leave me alone as 'dangling' isn't working for me, I can't bare to ask him before the party as it would be too upsetting for me to see him with someone else. After this I will just make excuses not to go to other occasions till I feel I won't be bothered by seeing him with someone else, Just wondering if anyone else has experienced simelar and what the outcome was thanks

Bluebelle38 Fri 28-Oct-16 06:19:00

He is a user. No man that genuinely likes you would let you go and possibly meet someone else. I dated a commitment-phobe on and off for 10 years. This guy sweet talks you when pissed: it's standard behaviour when trying to get lucky. Love yourself more and want better for yourself and he won't seem so attractive. I'm with a wonderful man now almost three years. It would never have happened if I hadn't wised up to the user smile

Bluebelle38 Fri 28-Oct-16 06:20:22

He is a user. No man that genuinely likes you would let you go and possibly meet someone else. I dated a commitment-phobe on and off for 10 years. This guy sweet talks you when pissed: it's standard behaviour when trying to get lucky. Love yourself more and want better for yourself and he won't seem so attractive. I'm with a wonderful man now almost three years. It would never have happened if I hadn't wised up to the user smile

QuiteLikely5 Fri 28-Oct-16 06:27:51

Not sure if he's an actual commitment-phobe but more of a user?

I'm thinking if he only likes you when he's had a drink, you go off and have sex then nothing in between until the next encounter then you are nothing more than sex buddies.

TheNaze73 Fri 28-Oct-16 07:28:28

I can't see how he's a commitment-phobe, if he's been with other people. Maybe he's like a lot people in the early days who are happy to have a loose relationship however, don't need the tag of relationship, doesn't want the hassle of being seen as a couple & all the heavy stuff that goes with it. Nothing is wrong with that, if you are both happy with it but, I fear from your post that you won't be.

LesisMiserable Fri 28-Oct-16 14:59:38

This isnt about commitment - he sees you as a FWB - you will 99.9% likely never been anything more than that to him. Next time don't sleep with him. And the time after that etc until you've broke the habit of being his fallback .

adora1 Fri 28-Oct-16 15:33:20

Yes you're just a FWB to him, go find yourself a man that deserves and wants you permanently.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Oct-16 16:16:04

He's all interested now he thinks you're not. I agree that if he really wanted you in the beginning, he wouldn't have let you go.

Stickytoffeepuddings Fri 28-Oct-16 18:04:18

Thank you! I wish friends with benifits was something I could manage but it's just not for me, can't help but get invested, despite wondering how I would find the time for a full committed relationship.
My instinct is to defend him being called a 'user' as I hadn't seen him like that, I am now trying to see how/why he could be.... this is what I need as at the moment I feel smitten and annoyingly struggle to see any faults in him!
Thanks for pointing out that he isn't a commitment phobic... you are right, as he does and is commited to his friends, family, kids, and pets.... just not me!!

Stickytoffeepuddings Fri 28-Oct-16 18:10:59

Sorry I've just see the posts from later this morning onwards.... although I have had sex with him, I haven't for a while, he seems perfectly happy to just sleep and cuddle not have sex... don't know if that makes any difference!
I'm not sure if he isn't interested or if he just isn't ready! Either way same outcome though!! Thanks for 'chatting' this through with me it really helps to work out how I think and feel, it's hard to discuss in RL as my closest friends are also his so don't want to make things awkward!

adora1 Fri 28-Oct-16 18:13:27

OP, this is the second time he has effectively dropped you, stop pining for a man that is not worth your time, easy to say I know but look at the facts.

Raise that bar girl because you are settling for less than you deserve, he flatters you when drunk, we all do that, look to his actions sober, they are not good.

Stickytoffeepuddings Fri 28-Oct-16 18:46:22

His sober actions are definitely confusing, he can be distant but other times thoughtful, small gifts, gestures, both sober and drunk he does get nervous around me and I know I'm a bit standoffish but think that is because if I was anything else it would terrify him! Ah defending him again... yes not nice to be distant, possibly not the right word but lacking in messages, calls etc, I however don't message/call him unless responding to his messages, except 3 times in 6months!

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