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Abusive/unsupportive mum

(16 Posts)
autumnmuma Thu 27-Oct-16 20:51:00

I guess this is a rant as I'm feeling quite upset. I've had the worst week ever!
Broke up from my abusive ex, my little boy was rushed into hospital twice and stayed in at the weekend, his allergy seems to be getting worse and so does his sleep.
My mum hasn't really been helpful throughout his 4 months. So my LB was rushed in the tues night my DM birthday was Wednesday I asked what she would like Tuesday daytime and she kicked off saying i should have got her present by now. I replied saying I've had a lot on and it wasn't like I weren't going to get her anything. I'd been asking her 2 wks previously to which she replied Idk. Then my LB has been in hospital but she said she wants to stay away as she's got a cold ( pretty sure he got it off her).
I'm suffering with PND and not once has she offered to help or even ask if I'm coping ok.
I told my sis that my mum kicked off at me and she told me that my mum had said she's feeling ill but no one asks her how she's feeling and that my sis thinks I go round to often and annoy my mum.
I text my mum a moment ago just saying I hadn't heard from her in a few days is she ok. She replied saying she was great and asked how me and my LB were. I said we were ok but his allergy had worsened so going back to docs. Then I said I was seeing the doc tomorrow for my PND. To which she replied "all it is one thing after another, you've been ill, LB been ill, I've been ill, DS been ill. Getting a bit fed up with it all now" I mean thanks for the love and support!!! I don't know why she's being like this. I never thought of my mum as emotionally abusive but looking back on my life there are moments when I think that weren't right. I used to think she was always there for me but when I need her most she's not there sad

hmmmum Thu 27-Oct-16 20:58:46

It sounds like, for whatever reason, she is not the most supportive person in the world. You've already seen how she hasn't supported you much through your PND. She just maybe lacks the maturity / is a bit self-involved. If I were you I'd just lower my expectations of the support you think you'll get from her. You can still have a positive relationship in some ways but maybe look to others for support - friends, a mums group... If you keep expecting support from her you'll just disappointed over and over. Are you getting help with your PND?

hmmmum Thu 27-Oct-16 21:01:56

Also so sorry to hear about your break up and your sons allergies flowers
It's really tough when the person you really want to be able to lean on (your mum) just isn't there for you.
And you've had so much happen all at once, that's so hard to deal with.
I really hope you get the RL support you need.

autumnmuma Thu 27-Oct-16 21:27:22

I'm just shocked as I thought she would be there for me. Obviously not. I've got an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and the HV is coming to give me support.
I know everything seems to just happened all at once. Feeling very alone atm

autumnmuma Thu 27-Oct-16 23:47:45

Anyone think this sounds abusive?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 27-Oct-16 23:53:47

It sounds shit. Have you read The Emotionally Absent Mother

autumnmuma Fri 28-Oct-16 00:32:10

No I haven't thanks. My mum has always over worried about me and my sister our whole lives. She has always interfered and been forceful on her opinions very often. This is why I'm shocked that she hasn't been there to not even say anything. It's like it's tough for me and she doesn't want to ruin her life by helping me. It's like it's an inconvenience and only wants to know me and my LB when things are good.

pallasathena Fri 28-Oct-16 11:46:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BantyCustards Fri 28-Oct-16 13:22:27

Is this normal behaviour for her? If it is I would say at best she is toxic

oneconfusedchick Fri 28-Oct-16 13:38:29

Just wanted to say Ive just posted another thread . Your mum sounds very self involved and a bit woe is me. If she wants any help and support from you she needs to give it first .

autumnmuma Fri 28-Oct-16 13:53:14

Pall if you have nothing constructive or nice to say don't bother! You don't know my background, I'm certainly not a precious snowflake! I've always been the strong one of the family listening to their problems. That was just one example of many from my mum.

Banty it is normal behaviour. If she doesn't get what she wants she does go off on one with me, my sis, or my dad. If I don't go to a family friend event she will kick off and make me feel bad. She keeps commenting on my weight and I know I need to lose some but when I'm already down and my son is ill I don't feel like commenting on that is helping much.

TirednessIsComing Fri 28-Oct-16 17:46:13

Op sounds like you need to focus on you and your little one and distance yourself a bit from your mother. She does sound quite toxic and definitely not supportive.

pallasathena Fri 28-Oct-16 18:29:38

Sorry if I've offended, its just that there are so many mother-bashing threads around at the moment I immediately got on the defensive as the mother of adult kids myself who seem to expect me to be the personification of perfection and rant on at me when I'm not!.Which is almost weekly at the moment!
Regardless, I agree that you need to challenge her statements and ask her what she means when you feel she isn't being supportive but I'd also consider what is going on in her life that's making her unhappy or self absorbed.
If she's going through the menopause that can seriously upset one's equilibrium and hormone imbalances really can take their toll on basic wellbeing. If she is as you say, fed up of all the recent illness in the family, is hurtful and critical when she talks to you then again, challenge her and tell her you won't be treated like that and she needs to respect you and offer some support if she wants your relationship to continue.
Finally, in my experience, there's usually a lot more going on in someone's life when they start acting out the way your mum appears to be. Perhaps if you dug a little deeper, you could find out what's going on with her and her life and offer her a bit of support too.

TirednessIsComing Fri 28-Oct-16 18:52:03

pallasathena it's probably worth starting a thread if your kids are annoying you, may get some good advice or at least to rant it out?

pallasathena Fri 28-Oct-16 18:59:12

Thanks Tiredness nah, i'm good just sometimes get a bit narked at all the expectations placed on us.... grrrrrr!

Gymnopedies Fri 28-Oct-16 19:22:51

It sounds she has always been toxic, I would put some distance if I was you.
Some reading:
outofthefog.website

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