Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I walk away?

(16 Posts)
RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 12:26:41

Around a couple of months ago I met a man who I really hit it off with. He's gorgeous, funny, popular, talented and confident and he adored me. We had enough chemistry to blow up the street!

I knew he had some health problems. He suffers ME and I know he has previously spiralled into depression as a result of chronic sleep deprivation and I know that this has caused the end of relationships for him in the past. I didn't really consider what that could mean for me. He has quite literally changed into a different person. Overnight he has gone from being incredibly affectionate and supportive of my problems to completely closing down. He rarely responds to my messages and has cancelled every meeting we had arranged in this time. We have had some discussion about this and I have repeatedly said I'm here for him when he's ready but he just seems so shut down.

A bit of background about me, I separated from my husband at Xmas after our relationship had been dead for years and this is the first real involvement I've had with anyone for a long time. This separation has caused a lot of anxiety as a result of concerns about my children and making sure they're okay and the bare bones of breaking apart a marriage of 17 years. In addition I've had some serious health issues this year, likely brought on by stress and also a cancer scare. I'm actually having counselling myself and feel very fragile. This new man has been there for me every step of the way since I met him until now but I just don't know how to help him through this or if I'm strong enough to myself.

I know there's no clear answer here but I would welcome any advice.

adora1 Thu 27-Oct-16 12:34:05

So you have only known him 2 months and in that time he has repeatedly let you down, I get that he has health issues but he's not treating you in a fair and respectful way, I'd cut my losses OP and find a man that doesn't ignore me and make me feel crap.

By all means be a friend to him but I'd not be looking to him for any romance at all, he's flaky and inconsiderate, regardless of his `problems`.

You are not a therapist.

MakeItRain Thu 27-Oct-16 12:44:07

Yes, I agree, walk away now. Whatever his problems are, ignoring your messages and cancelling dates without explanation is disrespectful and rude. Focus on yourself for a while. "Chemistry" can be very addictive, but don't ignore the warning signs here of a man who has no consideration of your feelings.

RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 13:02:01

Deep down I know you're right, although it was a couple of occasions he cancelled rather than repeatedly and not without warning or explanation. It's difficult as we mix in the same circles and I feel like we're unfinished business. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I've felt all this year like I'm constantly letting people down and he's another one to add to my list. If I walk away I'm losing every chance of getting back what it was but this is so fucking HARD! It doesn't help that my best mate is a friend of his and keeps telling me he's worth persevering for. He thinks in the long run that he will be good for me.

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 13:03:44

Are you sure the chemistry was even remotely mutual?

Actions speak louder than words, his actions are saying "I couldn't give a fuck about you"

Walk away

ElspethFlashman Thu 27-Oct-16 13:04:30

After only two months you're hoping to get back to "what it used to be"?

Can you hear the insanity of that??

RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 13:06:03

Yes I can lol!! I should rephrase and say get things headed back in the same direction.

RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 13:06:30

And yes, I'm ABSOLUTELY sure it was mutual.

AyeAmarok Thu 27-Oct-16 13:16:46

I agree walk away. He was able to support you at the beginning, he's not now, and that has changed the dynamic of your relationship and it's not working for you any more.

adora1 Thu 27-Oct-16 13:17:29

My sil and my work colleague for the last 14 years also suffer ME, both are the most considerate people I know, I am sorry but his illness isn't making him treat you crap, he is.

adora1 Thu 27-Oct-16 13:18:29

He rarely responds to my messages and has cancelled every meeting we had arranged in this time

You need to keep reading this OP.

RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 13:24:06

I think I already knew what I should do. For my own sake. But I've just been thinking about him being supportive of me every day for weeks and weeks and just a week and a half in of his health getting bad, 2 cancelled meetings and 2 separate days where he hasn't contacted me or replied to my messages within seconds and I feel I'm letting him down. I think you're all telling me what I know already. Sad though. And it bloody hurts.

adora1 Thu 27-Oct-16 13:30:20

So he switches from being supportive to ignoring you, is that really someone you want to commit to?

Sorry I know you are hurt and upset but honestly, step back, if he really wants your support he knows where you are, you have already told him this.

RokChik Thu 27-Oct-16 13:32:03

I have, I am. I haven't cut him off but the message I sent yesterday just said I know he's going through a tough time and he knows where I am if he needs me. I'm not intending on contacting him again. Just wondered if I should be offering more support really but I think everyone has answered that for me!

Member555405 Fri 28-Oct-16 13:55:01

walk away- I have been there and it just gets worse.

GrumpyInsomniac Fri 28-Oct-16 14:20:58

As one with a number of chronic health conditions, including CFS, I know I can often shut down, and shut people out, because of the way the conditions make me feel. The fatigue alone can have me prostrate and unable to engage, and in turn this makes me feel I have nothing to offer people.

But that's not true. I have a lot to offer those who are prepared to accept that there are times I really struggle and need to batten down the hatches for a bit, and I'm gradually getting better at saying what's happening and either asking for help or at least letting people know I'm not actively ignoring them.

I do think, from observing, that men sometimes handle illness differently to women - my dh views illness as a weakness in himself, and I know others who also feel this way. Unlike pretty much everyone else, I would be tempted to at least go round with a nice food treat and a sympathetic attitude and talk to him. He's not talked to you, but that could be for many reasons, including fear of rejection now he's simply not up to much, or past experiences where people have responded negatively to his illness.

Maybe he's not worth wasting your time on, but maybe he is, and you won't really know that until you've spoken to him and asked him how he's feeling.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now