Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Being told I have to "try"(41 Posts)
I've name chanced for this as I'm pretty I'm very recognisable under my last name. And this could end up being either very long or I'll have to drip feed. I'll try to keep it to the basic facts.
Anyway, 2.5 months ago I told my dh that I no longer felt like I was in love him and I don't actually want to be a couple anymore.
He was devastated, and to be honest has been completely unable to cope with it.
The reasons for me feeling like it is that over the years, when he hasn't gotten drunk (2-3 times a year approx) he's been incredibly rude to me. I'm not going to say abusive, but just an arrogant twat.
Or he'll get so hammered we can't be intimate together even though I've given him the wink wink nudge nudge.
In addition to the above, I don't feel he's very supportive, in the last 18 months I've lost my grandfather who I was VERY close to. Moved house, had a hysterectomy (I'm 32), had a car accident and then just general life on top.
When I was recovering he did the school runs etc because I couldn't drive but never actually asked how I was, offered affection whilst recovering, nothing.
I have since made a friend online, a man that is in a similar situation to me and we've met for a coffee a few times.
Ex isn't happy about it at all. He believes this other person is the reason I won't "try". He doesn't seem to understand what he is asking me to do.
He's asking me to "work at it and try and make things work and try and love him again". I've explained it isn't as easy as that because to work at it etc, you both have to want to. And I don't want to "try" because I don't want to be with him.
He is saying that I should be doing what I have to do for the sake of our family, for our daughter. I've said that I'm happy to cohabit, us to be friends and raise her together (I know this is ideal, but I have to consider that dealing with my mother throughout all of this is going to be even more hellish, she's another thread just on her own).
I've told him that he can go if he can't handle it, and he's putting ALL the blame of our situation on me and the friend I've made.
I'm at a completely loss as to how to get it through to him that he just can't tell me that I have to try and work at our marriage. I've explained that he may as well pick a random off the street and ask me to fall in love with them. He think I'm talking utter shit because we've been together 16 years etc (since we were 16).
I'm at loss and I don't know where to turn.
You have to end the relationship properly. That is fair on him.
I can't believe you want to stay where you are, parent together yet meet up with your new friend when you wish.
It is fine if you have made up your mind that you don't want to be with your husband any more. But do him a favour and separate, divorce, move out.
You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be with, of course.
But try putting yourself in his shoes. You've been together for 16 years and have a daughter. Presumably he didn't realise how you were feeling and this came as a shock to him. Read one of the (many) threads on this board started by a woman in his position, and think about the hurt he must be feeling.
I think it's reasonable for him to ask you to try, and to feel that your coffee friend is part of the problem.
It's up to you, but I I would feel a lot of compassion for him in the circumstances.
2 or 3 times a year he has got drunk, acted drunk and not wanted to shag you? And hasn't been sympathetic enough this last year?
I think you should leave him. Co habitung is cruel nonsense. You should also consider that you might have reactive depression and may well regret your actions.
Leave for his sake, your reasoning, however crazy it may seem to the majority is obviously right for you.
Think you're going to wake up one day & think what have I done?
I do feel sorry for him, and it has been a complete bolt out of the blue.
I don't believe "acting drunk" includes shouting at you to fuck off when he's about to drop a glass of red wine on a friend's wedding dress.
And neither is about having to have a shag. That's just a tiny snippet.
I have said that I'll move out, but I need to get some money together (which I'm in the process of doing) I don't have a job, and he's got access to all the money side of the things.
This isn't a light hearted decision, and I want to want him. But I don't, and I feel terribly guilty about it.
Forget cohabiting as it will just become a nightmare. You'll need your space and you both need to learn to live without each other day to day. Aim for co-parenting. He needs time to adjust to the situation and see that there is life beyond the current situation. Be there for him, don't rub your new friendship in his face and if needs be take a step back from it for a while.
Telling him it would be like falling in love with a random bloke off the street was a hurtful thing to say. Was it really necessary to be so cruel?
You have to recognise that you are too caught up with your husband's opinion of you and your relationship.
Rationally you know you don't need his understand, blessing and approval to leave the relationship but yet, it feels so uncomfortable to you that you're stuck in the relationship until he agrees wtih you and sees it how you do.
That's never going to happen.
You have to detach from needing his good opinion yourself first or you will be trapped in the marriage by his opinion of you.
Just tell him it's not what you want and don't respond to any accusations, you're not on trial.
As for the new man you met for coffee, don't think you have a future with him. Sorry. Everybody seems wonderfully supportive before they've slept with you,
Perfectly reasonable to want to separate but no need to be cruel about it.
I presume he didn't know you were unhappy until you presented separation as a done deal? You have had time to plan and process, while his whole future has changed overnight.
Suggesting that you stay in the same house, expecting him to tolerate the new friendship that is so obviously part of the problem, seems naive at best. Why does he have to be the one to leave if he doesn't like the arrangement?
If a woman posted to say that her DH was having an emotional affair and wanted to continue it while cohabiting/separating, the advice would quite rightly be to kick him out.
And dredging up a handful of things he's done wrong over the years is monstrification, and he could probably do the same. You're the one who started an emotional affair while still married.
Put your friend on the back burner and end your marriage decently and compassionately.
Slow down! I too think you're going to regret this. It's very difficult for partners to look after each other 100% when there are small children to look after. Most of the energy goes into the children.
Alcohol got the better of him a few times and he was an embarrassing twat: you're very lucky if this has never happened on you.
You don't seem to respect him as a person. You also sound very immature. Are you looking for some excitement?? As a pp said, everyone is exciting/supportive until youve shagged them, but personally I would think very little of someone who was willing to meet up with someone needs a relationship.
You sound like a spoilt child who has cast her old toy aside.
Either slow down and see this as a possible reaction to your traumatic year, or leave him. You need to stop seeing this bloke though as it's just cruel.
I'm not sexually attracted to this other man.
I suppose I naively saw it no differently to meeting up with any other friend I'd made.
Perhaps I am immature.
My comment about meeting a random from the street was meant that, you have to want to want someone, and I'm not there anymore.
Perhaps it wasn't a nice thing to say, but I think I was trying to find another way of saying it so that it would get through.
Thank you for all comments, you have all given me a lot to think about.
It seems like you are digging up stuff from the past about your DP to justify ending with him.
Would you ahve done this if there was no coffee man?
Are you sexually attracted to anyone at the moment. I would suspect that after what you ahve been through, it is the last thing on your mind. And thus not being interested in coffee man doesn't mean you wont' be in the future.
Also coffee man is choosing to be with you and give you attention when your DP doesn't. And he takes you away from your problems/ home/ DCs/ DP and thus gives you a pleasant, well-deserved break.
I think you need more time before making any big decision. To allow more time to get over your DGF's death and your operation etc etc. 6 months or a year.
I agree you should slow down a bit, make sure this is what you want and it will help your partner come to terms with splitting up. You should be clear though and split, meaning not living together.
You can't force love and not should you try, if you are done, you are done. Live your life x
A friend of mine decided, when she met someone who hung on her every word, that her husband didn't 'meet her needs', and felt she had no choice but to end the marriage. Pretty quickly, new guy turned out to have feet of clay and she realised that at some level she'd been expecting her (ex) husband to forgive her and take her back if this happened. Only he didn't - he had moved on quickly, perhaps partly fuelled by his anger, and she lives with daily regret.
I think many marriages go through a 'tired' phase, but it's not irreversible with the right commitment from the spouses and perhaps some outside help - Relate?
Im afraid I agree with most/all PPs.
You're not being very fair.
So you've decided to dump your husband but rather than actually leave him, you've just told him you don't like him and have been swanning around with someone else?
And yes, it does look like you have been dredging up things from the past - did he have the opportunity to mend his behaviour? - to justify it.
I imagine there's a lot more going on, but from this snippet, my sympathies do lie with him. When you 'leave' someone, you leave someone, you don't just say, right, nothing's changed, only we're not a couple and you're just going to be a mate now.
If you don't love him then fine, do the right thing and separate properly, what is the point of co habituating, whilst you are out looking and meeting other men?
Do the decent thing and just end if properly.
And no there is no point in trying if you don't want to, it sounds like it's completely over.
I agree with others that you need to end it properly. Why don't you have any money and he has access to all the money side of things? Do you work? Will you be eligible for benefits when you leave? If so, do you know what you will get? Knowing that would help you make plans and budget appropriately for what you can afford to rent.
I can understand why you may not want to be with your husband any more. I can't imagine my partner having a major operation and not asking him how he is, offering affection, etc and I wouldn't want to try to make a relationship work with anyone who didn't care enough to do that for me. I'm not sure telling him it's like trying to love a random bloke is the best way of telling him that though. Have you explained that you have felt unloved for a while and that has destroyed any desire to love him.
Don't see your make friend until you've separated properly. You may not feel he's any different to your female friends and actually i don't think it should make a difference whether your friend is make out female, but it is making a difference so try to stick to female friends at the moment.
I'm not sure referring to things that happened in the last 18 months is 'dredging up the past'- that seems pretty recent to me. Sometimes when things happen you just get through them as best you can and its only with a bit of perspective that you realise how crap it was.
It's possible coffee man has helped you see this but I think pp are right- you need to make this decision with a clear head and a break from him would help with that. A clean break would also be much better for you, dh, and the children. You have to be sure this is what you want and know that you are not, even subconsciously, relying on the support of coffee man to get you through.
No, you don't have to try.
Is he offering to make any changes himself, even?
I don't think cohabiting is ideal, though. Splitting up properly is healthier for all involved.
You are kind of wanting to have your cake and eat it.
Like most people who have affairs.
If you are satisfied that you have tried as hard as you need to then thats enough. You don't have to keep going until he decides that you have tried enough (and what does that mean anyway?)
I understand the impulse to try and create the least waves possible in ending the relationship, but given that he doesn't have the same view of things as you, going on living together is not going to work.
Some time spent single is useful also at the end of a relationship in order to process things and you aren't allowing yourself that if you jump into something with someone new.
You are getting a hard time on here op - wrongly, I think - but I'm not sure if your original post makes sense.
Do you mean that he only gets drunk 2 or 3 times a year, but even when he isn't drunk he is consistently rude to you?
He sounds pretty awful, and you don't have to put up with this. The other man is probably not the answer though - don't rush into anything new but give yourself plenty of time to think things through.
If I've understood you correctly, your DH has basically killed off your love for him with his awful behaviour. He doesn't have to accept or understand your feelings - you don't need his permission to leave.
just asking but if you don't have a job or money and you move out, how will you look after yourself? That's not a reason to stay with hubby not good for either of you but needs thinking about.
Join the discussion
Please login first.