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Okay so my XH is the more competent parent apparently

(28 Posts)
user1475501383 Thu 27-Oct-16 02:06:39

... as per www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2765794-AIBU-to-think-ExH-is-BU?

That's it. There's always two sides to every story.

I thought it was too easy when I felt so much support coming my way here. Thank you for that, it helped me manage a few more weeks better.

I have gotten a reality check. Mothers will hate me, XH will hate me, and I will never see my son any more than currently.

I am contemplating which rock to crawl under.

Cakedoesntjudge Thu 27-Oct-16 03:21:34

AIBU is a notoriously blunt board. It is a bad idea to post there if you're not prepared to hear that you are being unreasonable.

There were some quite blunt replies but there were far more posts (including mine) trying to make you understand how other people will view the facts you set out.

You need to have a really thick skin for court proceedings.

When my parents got divorced, despite me moving out with my dad it took him a full year battling out in court with my mum to manage to obtain full custody of me. And that was with me stating very clearly that that was what I wanted. It cost him a fortune and wasn't an easy process but he did it not to upset my mum but because he knew how unhappy I'd be if I was forced to go back and live with her. It wasn't where I wanted to be. I wasn't trying to be cruel, we just didn't have a good relationship. She was struggling mentally after the breakdown of the marriage and it was a really miserable environment. He had evidence that there were instances where she had physically abused me, said a lot of really unforgivable things and the fact I'd lived with him for the entirety of the proceedings. He was also more financially stable at the time - it STILL took an almighty battle in court for him to win custody. There is no guarantee at all the courts will find in your exh's favour just to preserve the status quo. FWIW as an adult, I have a very good relationship with both parents.

I think in the morning when you have a clearer mind you should go back and read the advice you've been given. There is a real possibility that court/ss would raise some of the concerns with you that mumsnetters have raised on there - your response in court cannot be "fine obviously you hate me too" otherwise it won't go well. You need to be able to say "well in retrospect that wasn't a good decision and although I didn't understand why, I am working on seeing things differently in the future" and that is the main point people were trying to make to you on AIBU - it was not bullying as you said, you asked what was thought of those instances and we replied.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 27-Oct-16 03:28:13

In the nicest possible way OP, stop it with all the threads and passive-aggressive self pity and get some sleep. Then tomorrow with a clear head start to formulate a plan of how to deal with all of this, perhaps including re-reading your many threads with fresh eyes. I wish you the very best.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Thu 27-Oct-16 03:49:25

Wow. Like a pp said, stop with the passive aggressive 'everyone hates me' threads.

If you get a kicking on a thread then don't start a TAAT which in all likelihood will be deleted anyway!

Saltfish Thu 27-Oct-16 04:28:27

You can't ask for advice and then get mad when people actually give you advice. I'm guessing you assumed people would be on your side and were grossly disappointed when they weren't?

AIBU is notorious for handing you your ass on a platter but I don't think they said anything unreasonable at all. I actually felt you were the volatile one in response to a lot of people. You sound very immature and passive aggressive as others have pointed out. I'm sorry but you need to hear the truth.

mariaalexander Thu 27-Oct-16 04:51:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 27-Oct-16 05:09:24

I've read your thread you linked. Do you want some guidance as to what to do? I'm going to give some anyway as I think it would be useful.

- Your ex is going to bring the broken glass up. Defend yourself by saying you hadn't thought of the implications of ds getting in the bath with no water in it (say in a game of hide and seek). Give assurances you will not leave hazardous stuff lying around again.
- Regarding the bin, it's not fair for your ds to see spent sanitary towels. A 9 yr old boy will find it gross and embarrassing. Admit you hadn't thought of the implication. My bin stinks during my period. I have a well developed sense of smell, perhaps you don't and just because you can't smell it, doesn't mean no one else can.
- Find a parenting course compatible with your working hours and go on it. Discuss these issues and more in the class.
- Get a cleaner to take up some of the slack, you sound as if you can afford it as you have a good job. I imagine this will shut your ex up.
- Sort out food deliveries so that you don't go short on food for packed lunch again. And if you are ever in this situation again, go to the shops first and be late for school and work or ask school to provide him with a dinner that day.

Yes your ex sounds abusive. And if you continue with your current attitude, you will likely lose out on a wonderful time with your ds. Clean yourself up, dust yourself down and stop right fighting with your ex and the mumsnetters and start fighting for custody of your child.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 27-Oct-16 05:11:02

I've reported mariealexanders post.

mathanxiety Thu 27-Oct-16 05:23:27

Is the guardian you mentioned a guardian ad litem?

(I reported the spam btw)

mathanxiety Thu 27-Oct-16 05:23:45

- ex post

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Oct-16 07:18:30

Try to reread your Posts with a fresh head OP. Then you'll see why.

It does feel like you're wallowing & pitching for sympathy

Bubblegum18 Thu 27-Oct-16 07:26:46

Op please listen to mummyoflittledragon she makes sense.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 27-Oct-16 07:27:31

Not sure what you want people to say OP.

Some of the things you have listed are pretty bad tbh and you need to see that.

JosephineMaynard Thu 27-Oct-16 07:43:16

Some of the things you mention in the first thread do sound pretty bad.

But talking about everyone hating you is overly dramatic and won't help anything.

mummyoflittledragon has given some good advice in her post, it'd be a sensible idea to read that, and seriously think about following that advice.

FayKorgasm Thu 27-Oct-16 07:51:25

In the kindest way stop with the dramatics. They will do you no favours.

You have done some questionable things that a court will probably raise eyebrows at. Instead of whining start looking for ways to improve your situation. The poster upthread had good suggestions re food delivery etc.

Sweets101 Thu 27-Oct-16 08:03:50

The court won't stop contact because you once gave DS birches muesli in his lunch box, or left glass in the bath for a period of time when he wasn't there or pulled a face and said something in a childish manner or had an over flowing sanitary bin or made a flippant comment about moving to France.
At 9 they still aren't usually overly keen to go on the DC's wishes as it's thought they can be so easily manipulated by one or other parent.
The more serious allegations may be of some concern, if he has any evidence to support them.
Have you got a solicitor?

Sweets101 Thu 27-Oct-16 08:08:29

*- Find a parenting course compatible with your working hours and go on it. Discuss these issues and more in the class.
- Get a cleaner to take up some of the slack, you sound as if you can afford it as you have a good job. I imagine this will shut your ex up.
- Sort out food deliveries so that you don't go short on food for packed lunch again. And if you are ever in this situation again, go to the shops first and be late for school and work or ask school to provide him with a dinner that day.*
These are all good suggestions.
I admit to once having to pick up DD'so lunch from Greggs on the way to school blush

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Oct-16 08:10:06

Sometimes when I'm on my period our bathroom bin is full of sanitary towels too, towels are all individually wrapped up before being put in the bin, and I don't empty it till bin day.

Don't think it makes me a bad mother.

I saw the other thread op I think you were being given a very hard time unnecessarily.

When you're in court be very clear about each situation and any lies immediately say they are untrue.

Can you get a doctors letter stating you're a fit mother & not putting your child at risk. Also see if the school will give you reports of your child's progress before your ex took him to show how your son was progressing under your main care.

I'm sorry you're going thro this. The courts are brutal, I hope you have a very good lawyer representing you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Thu 27-Oct-16 08:12:35

Can you get a doctors letter stating you're a fit mother & not putting your child at risk.

Not sure a Dr would do that tbf.

No each individual incident may not be bad, but it isn't just about each one is it.

OP if it goes to court the judge will be asking you questionshould just like you have been on here. You need to be prepared for that.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Oct-16 08:18:00

When I said a fit mother I meant not a danger to her dc and able to care for him.

Her ex has letters from mothers with children with Autism saying the op should not be in charge of a DC.

I think it's important op has letters from professionals who can state she is fine to parent and not a danger and the doctor has probably seen her and her dc over the years to write such a letter.

Doctors and professionals letters do add weight in court as evidence.

sarahnova69 Thu 27-Oct-16 08:23:38

I can't imagine a doctor writing a letter to say they were fit to care for a child. That's not within a doctor's training or professional scope to determine. I wouldn't do it in their shoes.

graphista Thu 27-Oct-16 09:12:51

Yes most of the issues aren't terrible on their own but it's a pattern of behaviour, plus the ops attitude and unwillingness to consider there is a problem with her behaviour PLUS what she herself admits are more serious allegations which she hasn't detailed.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 27-Oct-16 09:19:34

I have read some of your threads and it seems to me that neither you or your exH are dealing with this in a more mature way than the other.

Both of you are locked in this obsessive battle over some really petty, one off incidents it's impossible for a judge to tell where this starts and ends. It isn't just about the child, it's becoming who is the better parent. This is a VERY dodgy road to go down and one you should not follow your exH unless you have serious concerns. Because it's not a game. There are no winners only your DS as a loser,

Some of the incidents are less petty - the plane situation, and broken glass but all the same don't you think DS (and the judge) needs to see one parent step up as a true solid grown up here, who is in control of their emotions and strong?
I know you were hurt by people agreeing with exH but it's the way you react to things that I think might be going against you. You have to be able to take on criticism as a parent and you have to know how to deal with it appropriately.
Stop asking people for sympathy to you, because this is about your son. He's getting mine right now and all a judge wants to see is a stable, mature parent. That's what you need to show you are

mummyto2monkeys Thu 27-Oct-16 09:41:20

Right, firstly I have read your linked thread! I am not going to judge you on it, I am instead going to offer practical advice.

1. Buy these, they should stay above your toilet at all times.

m.boots.com/h5/cat_hub?unCountry=uk&path=%2Fen%2FBoots-Deg-Fragrant-Disposal-Bag_984679%2F&

When you have your period, wrap every individual used sanitary towel in one of the bags and put it in the bin. My son is on the spectrum, at high functioning autism/ aspergers level. The smell would overpower him, as you have aspergers there is a very good chance that your son is on the spectrum too. This could help solve any sensory issues that may arise. I would actually have two bathroom bins, a closed lid bin and an open bin for your son to use. You need only use the closed lid bin during your period or if your partner is disposing of condoms

2. Employ a cleaner, even if just for a couple of thorough house cleans.

3. Contact your local sure start centre and ask for a place on their next parenting course. This link should help;

www.gov.uk/find-sure-start-childrens-centre

4. Take a first aid course, take an adult course and a child course. You should be able to find one locally.

www.redcrossfirstaidtraining.co.uk/Courses.aspx?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=First%20Aid%20General%20Courses%7CSearch%7CGBR&utm_term=first%20aid%20course&utm_content=First%20Aid%20General%20Courses&gclid=CPGzh63C-s8CFeVTcgodN5YOpw&gclchildren

www.sja.org.uk/sja/training-courses.aspx

5. Contact your local national autistic society, (in fact there is a great group for adults on the spectrum and families with autistic children on Facebook. Pm me if you are interested as they may have advice that I don't, there are many parents who are on the spectrum there. This is not linked to thevNAS but may actually be a better place to start) The court cannot use your autism as a means to stop you being a parent, not if you prove that you are willing to do anything it takes to make sure your child is safe!

www.autism.org.uk

Look online to see if there is an advocacy service near you, it really sounds like you need someone who can help you to communicate with social services/ your lawyer.This is really important, your exh is taking advantage of your vulnerability and using your disability against you.

www.seap.org.uk/im-looking-for-help-or-support/what-is-advocacy.html

7. Look for some sort of health and safety course,

www.childcare.co.uk/information/health-and-safety

OK so you were not able to see the possible risks of the broken glass, you can't help that. That is very much a common issue with people on the spectrum. So be proactive, contact the fire service and ask for a home safety check. And check this link out:

www.capt.org.uk/what-we-do

Your ex will use the complaints in court, so admit you were wrong, prove that you are working hard by doing all of the above. Don't focus on who is wrong, focus on proving that you are a competent and loving Mother. Ask your dp to help, if you have to have a regular cleaner come in! Take a food hygiene course;

www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/food-hygiene/?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=HST-100-Food%20Hygiene-Generic-Exact&utm_term=food%20%26%20hygiene%20courses&utm_content=food%20%26%20hygiene%20courses

Show through your actions that you are prepared to do anything and everything to protect your son and to prove you are a competent parent! Your exh will eventually show his true colours, especially when his carefully planned complaints fall through. Don't even think about your ex husband and don't try to have your son prove his love for you. He may feel safer with your husband because he has routine and familiarity there. That doesn't mean that you can't provide that for him! He needs his Mother, even if he isn't showing it right now!

MakeItRain Thu 27-Oct-16 09:51:13

Myusername is right. Judges don't have much time or sympathy for battling parents. You need to present yourself calmly.
I would do as others' have suggested. Get a cleaner and make your house really presentable. If you're questioned on the glass or the bin you say, yes i've reflected on it and I'm scrupulously up to date with the cleaning now.
You say you are there because you want to see more of your son, you have never agreed to any of the contact time so far. Your ex has decided it all, against your wishes. Your son is still young and you worry about your ex influencing his wishes with regard to contact.
You simply want to see your son 50/50, as was more like the pattern when you lived together.
As far as letters from parents of children with autism, that's just laughable and will be given no credit at all. Everyone is different and this is about you. Unless he has letters from professionals about your abilities as a parent he is on sticky ground. Judges are used to people going in making up all sorts so they need hard evidence about allegations.
If he's making up things about you, do your absolute best to refute or counter them coolly and calmly, because in a family court, being out of control of your emotions could count against you.
None of us know you and your circumstances, but f

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