Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling lonely - anyone up? ExH's new DA allegations

(16 Posts)
user1475501383 Wed 26-Oct-16 23:05:59

My lovely DP is having a rest next to me and I don't want to bother him anymore with this shit show that is the legal proceedings to try and get to see my DS more than one overnight a week...

We filed DA allegations today. ExH accuses me of being the bully and he was the victim. Apparently I 'aggravated' him...

He accuses me of looking after DS badly, by way of example, putting him to bed in dirty clothes in a bed without sheets and duvet covers. I don't recall the no sheets thing, but I do remember a few times DS refused to put PJ's on and I allowed him to sleep in daywear. Literally a couple of times over the years. Strangely enough, DS was adamant the other day that he wanted to sleep in his daywear so I let him. I think DS might have a learning difficulty but XH refuses to have DS referred to a diagnosis or to play therapy....why?

Once or twice I packed porridge with apple for his school snack 2 years ago when XH was taking psychedelic drugs across the world. This is also in XH's allegations of my abuse towards DS. Porridge with apple is actually a suitable snack in my birth culture but hey ho... It's healthier than crisps in my humble opinion but here we go.

Oh and apparently I told DS recently that I will move to South of Europe if I don't see DS... that wasn't exactly how the convo went, it was more a flippant observation made on the British weather and perhaps I also wanted to see what my son would say to that - at that point XH had convinced me DS does not want to see me more than the current minimum. It was only after that, when DS's legal guardian's report came, that I felt that actually DS does love me, and we still have a strong bond despite all of XH's efforts in distancing us from each other...

Apparently I used to point a finger at XH's face to try to antagonise a reaction...? I use hand gestures when talking, XH fully knows that my mum does finger pointing too, apparently XH considers it rude as DS the other day freaked out when I was pointing at some object, saying "Don't point IT'S RUDE!" I can only imagine who he got that hysterical reaction from...

Anyway, I'm just generally feeling lonely and tired from this Shit Show of a Circus.... looking forward to any kind of comments at all just to feel a bit less lonely, and also because I have genuinely received a crucial amount of support and help from you MNetters over the past months... I also started the Freedom Programme which I only found out thanks to you MNetters. flowers

CalleighDoodle Wed 26-Oct-16 23:11:12

It sounds very difficult. Ive no advice but didnt want to r&r.

user1475501383 Wed 26-Oct-16 23:36:03

Thanks Calleigh. Apart from DP I haven't got anyone to talk to about this IRL so it's really lonely, and your comment means a lot to me smile

ddrmum Wed 26-Oct-16 23:43:25

OP it's so hard but i too am getting the mist amazing support here. Exh is like yours & I'm currently fighting to have my DS returned home. He's an abusive bully and that will never change. You are probably also dealing with a narcissist which makes it almost impossible to co-parent. Try not to engage with him & let the process continue. Are you having a cafcass report done? Hopefully that'll pick up his behaviour which is incredibly damaging. Sending you strength for this difficult time flowers

Msqueen33 Wed 26-Oct-16 23:48:05

He sounds like a stupid arsehole. Honestly what well do these men drink out of?! Big hugs to you lovely. Keep on going.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff Wed 26-Oct-16 23:52:16

No advice I'm afraid other than believe in yourself and your child to come through this stronger and closerflowers

user1475501383 Wed 26-Oct-16 23:54:06

Thank you ddrmum! Ahh I've been following your thread loads. It's horrifying. I can't remember if I've ever posted - probably not as I felt I couldn't contribute much compared to the others but you have my full support for what it's worth!

I really hope your DS gets returned to you soon. Sounds just so vile. What really gets me is that these people, these men, are able to keep their shit shows on the road for ages without anyone able to stop it! I still find it hard to believe that they can pull these kinds of tricks on us and our DC and the rest of society is seemingly powerless, at least on the short run. I hope our patience gets rewarded soon and that we'll both achieve a positive outcome!

MN is indeed great for support. Just, so, amazing.

No cafcass report done -- I believe the Judge doesn't really take either of our allegations seriously. Some of XH's countless allegations are so petty it really beggars belief and I'm hoping the Judge has seen / will see through it. But, the Judge didn't seem too keen on me wanting to flag the DA aspects after I had unsuccessfully tried to mediate for most of the year, go for co-parenting etc.

It's so sad. You're right that it's almost impossible to co-parent with a narcissist. But gosh aren't narcissists clever at their people games... even if it is to the detriment of their own children.... arrrghhh.

Hope you sleep well, thanks a lot for your message, I'll keep eagerly following your thread having fingers crossed for you flowers

user1475501383 Wed 26-Oct-16 23:55:44

Thanks Msqueen and Flumpnslump,

your messages really cheered me up (I think it's plain to see I have no RL friends grin ) no but really, thanks a lot flowers

alvinp Thu 27-Oct-16 00:02:10

Hey OP hope it goes OK for you. Sounds like an awful situation. Is ExH currently controlling (withholding) access? Be strong, you sound genuine to me. Best of luck.

user1475501383 Thu 27-Oct-16 00:22:08

Thank you Alvinp!

Yes ExH controlling access. Didn't let me see DS at all without supervision for 4 months after I reported his busting into my flat to the police... Sadly 2 years ago I made the mistake of moving out so DS was effectively left to XH... In fact we were abroad and XH eidn't let me get on the plane back to UK so I flew back the next day... so I guess I can't entirely blame myself for that,
Knowing what I know now I would certainly done something differently than just naively trusting that we would end up coparenting DS. XH cannot be a full time dad anyway because of his work, but these days DS gets shipped of to XH's parents (ex-FIL and ex-MIL) all the time, spends more overnights with them than his mum currently!!! You just couldn't make it up...

Thanks so much for your comment re genuine. Okay full disclosure, I've got asperger's syndrome (something XH relishes in bringing up as evidence that I am an unfit mum) and I really struggle with telling anything other than the whole truth and what has particularly hurt me re XH apart from the obvious, ie withholding access to DS and making my life a misery every way he can, is that he accuses me of lying, manipulating, making false allegations etc, when I would never, ever resort to such things and he should know I'm one of the most honest people one can ever meet, this is apparently typical of aspergers... I mean, XH did live with me for nearly a decade and must have noticed how truthful I am even whenever it is to my own detriment... I find it so hard to fathom why he lies and then lies that I'm the one lying... it's a clusterfuck... so I appreciate your words re genuine! smile

thanks so much for your support, sweet dreams flowers

GrinchyMcGrincherson Thu 27-Oct-16 00:32:36

My DD who has Aspergers is honest to a fault as well. She won't even keep quiet if a small lie is told eg is this child 5? (And thus free in the bloody expensive zoo) She was 6 three days prior and told me (and the doorman) that I shouldn't lie because it's very naughty...

All you can do is keep fighting for your baby. Record every shitty thing your ex does, save every abusive text, log every refused contact etc.

I hope you (and the other OP in a similar situation) get your babies back very soon flowersflowers

user1475501383 Thu 27-Oct-16 00:53:36

Thanks Grinchy, I love your username BTW!

And your description re DD made me chuckle :D yes.... it rings a few bells.... Not just with me but with ... most of my family TBH! My uncle who is a retired uni professor is, like most of my family, probably on the spectrum (I'm the only diagnosed one tho), and there's a very similar story about him that my Dear Grandmother always likes to tell!

Separately, I also recognise DS has that type of honesty in him... and there are other signs of AS as well in him - lack of eye contact, stimming etc. I had sort of gotten used to 'Ds being DS' but when we got his legal guardian's report it really stood out to me - that he exhibits quite many telltale signs/symptoms of AS.

I have emailed XH whether we could get DS diagnosed, he declined (why?!) I then emailed both XH and DS's class teacher about it, teacher hasn't replied, but XH has, saying he doesn't think DS should be diagnosed (again - why?!)

All I'm thinking is... I would have never been diagnosed unless I had first figured it out myself 2 years ago (yep just before XH became so intolerable I couldn't live with him anymore) and then gone for diagnosis... Especially in females it is so hard to spot! If you'd like to give any advice on how you managed to get a diagnosis for your DD or even how you got to suspect it in the first place, it would be very helpful!

Also, do you feel the diagnosis has benefitted DD and your whole family?

I have a feeling that it would only make sense to evaluate whether my DS has this, as it might also impact on child arrangement proceedings and separately, it would be important surely in order to get him the right support (which I never got growing up - I was left to be bullied throughout the school years, wondering what was wrong with me).

Have you written on a thread about your DD's diagnosis? I'd be very interested in reading it. Was it an NHS diagnosis?

BlackeyedSusan Thu 27-Oct-16 01:04:15

ahh the plane ticket wanker....

yep, he is a right piece of work. he is. nasty bugger

hoping that you can prove the coercive control. the not letting you on a plane is a good example.

ps i will take the advice on autism in adult females.

and try to use your autism in a positive way. makesyou loyal, adverse to change logical, literal, consistent, able to guide ds through his difficulties as you have learned strategies yourself.

user1475501383 Thu 27-Oct-16 02:11:59

BlackeyedSusan "ahh the plane ticket wanker" haha you actually made me laugh out loud!

Thanks so much for your advice and words.

Your post made me happy flowers

Hotwaterbottle1 Thu 27-Oct-16 02:23:34

I know nothing about the law but his allegations sound so petty & ridiculous, almost laughable. If that's the best he can come up with let him!! Good luck

Montane50 Thu 27-Oct-16 02:29:01

You do sound a bit chaotic if im honest-the sheet/duvet thing? Even you dont sound totally convinced it hasn't happened (but its not a deal breaker), porridge as a school snack? Nope thats again not a deal breaker but is no doubt picked on by your dc's friends and considered odd at best. The one thing i am disappointed with is you felt the need to tell your dc you considered moving abroad, to provoke a reaction-thats really not acceptable at all in mho! You are supposed to be the adult.And finally, finger pointing? Not a deal breaker, but yes i also consider it rude.
Lots of things you have mentioned are not huge issues, but lots of small points can become very tiring especially for children.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now